The post that has no title

Tonight probably isn't the best night for me to be writing.
I'm a bit down tonight.
There's actually a whole entry I'd love to write, but I can almost hear people's thoughts. Unless you've walked in our shoes, there is no way you could understand, so I don't even think I'll bother trying to explain it.
I just want to write it out. I guess the old fashioned paper journals still have their place. There isn't anywhere online that I feel safe. Too many judgements can be made, and it just isn't worth it.
Instead, I'll write about Ohio.
It's weird.
I know I said this about Texas too, but it just is.
It's hard to imagine Ohio ever feeling like home.
So far, we've visited two churches. The first was way too big for us. No one talked to us, and it was just..blah. The second holds more promise.
It seems, though, that people around here just float from church to church, and in fact some have told us that that is what they do. They go to whatever church happens to be having something fun going on. Apparently, this particularly applies to the youth.
The only problem with that is that we want to have a home. We don't want to go here and there.
It's strange too, the whole area has one Pathfinder club. We took the older boys to the meeting on Tuesday and it seems to be OK. It's just so bizarre to us to have one choice. I mean, if we don't like it, there is no where else to go. Same with Adventurers, but we haven't tried that out yet. In fact, I think there might be a meeting this Sabbath. However, it's supposed to snow on Sabbath, several inches. It's been so long since we've driven in snow, that we are both a little hesitant to drive the great white in anything slick. We are worried that a van that heavy will just slide around like crazy. So, we'll see what we decide to do.
I'm feeling pretty lonely right now.
Matt has started back to work. His whole section moved up here, so he is working with all his old friends, and nothing but location has changed for him.
I am so very glad I have six children. I know that has made this easier for them, having each other. I know they still miss their friends, but they are all fairing quite well.
I'm trying to put a happy face on for them, but this part is hard. It takes awhile to get used to things, and to meet people. It doesn't help that people here don't seem all that friendly. Everyone seems so hurried, and that they don't have time for you. There was one lady at pathfinders that may be a potential friend. *sigh* Who knows. Time will tell. And it will get easier, I know this. It will just take awhile.

Where's my Peace?

I feel so uneasy these days.
I have no idea why.
I have so much to be thankful for and to praise Him for, I just don't have peace.
Where is it? How do I get it? I just want a calm feeling.
Instead, I feel like my insides are always jumbled up. I always worry about everything. I worry about not doing a good enough job as a mom and wife, mainly. I don't know why. I just really want to be a good wife and mom, and I never feel like I do enough to be that. And then I stress out about it.
I often feel like crying. Over the silliest things. Again, I have no reason to cry, and yet, the feeling is almost overwhelming at times.
I really just want peace. *sigh*

As my sister says...

Life's hard...eat ice cream.

Boy is she right.

A kid at our old church, who isn't really a kid anymore, was in a serious car accident two nights ago. Serious brain injuries. Matt and I are sick over it. We have always said, 'if our kids turn out as good as their kids, we will have done well' And it's so true. Such a good good family. Please say a little prayer for them.

And my sister is going through some really rough stuff. I don't think I'm a liberty to talk about it here, but dang..it is really rough. And it's something that is also killing Matt and myself.

A lady on my heart list just lost her son. Totally unexpectedly. So sad.

Bad things happening all around.

BUT...in good news..Zachy seems to be doing well. Except the last couple days he's been really pale and pretty tired. If it keeps up, I will probably call the doctor. I don't know how long it takes to recover from an 8 hour surgery. But he was doing pretty well, and then whammy...exhaustion and pale pale paleness. Hopefully, he'll be all bettr tomorrow.

Emmie has her fifth tooth. She sure is a slow teether. And she is now standing in the middle of the room, and has taken two steps. It's all downhill from here!

I'm trying to lose weight, so I'm not going to go get ice cream, but we are definitely trying to celebrate the little things. For instance, tonight we all blew bubbles at Dillon because he FINALLY spelled could, should and would correctly.

We must celebrate the little things, because they may be all we have. So, go get some ice cream, and find something to celebrate...even if it is just making it through the day.

Grandpa

I've often wondered why the mean people live so long, and the good ones die young. Grandpa was one of the good ones. And he lived a good long life. He went downhill the last several years, and the last time we saw him, he was very frail. I have those images in my mind, but I'm going to remember the good times.
This was in 1994, when he drove all the way from southern California to eastern Washington, just to be at my high school graduation. He then turned around, a month later, to come to my wedding. In fact, he was the only extended member of my family to be at my graduation.



He did that a lot. And I totally took it for granted. He came when Matthew was born, and later in the year when Matthew was dedicated.
I just wish I hadn't taken it for granted.

This was at his 80th birthday party. When some people reach the cranky stage. Not him. He was there, lifting Matthew up to help him blow out his candles. I wish my kids knew him better. But as Dillon said, I can tell him the stories about watermelons, and make them his famous fried potatoes. I guess it will have to do.

Merry Christmas

It's been a great Christmas this year.
First of all, Collin is wearing his contacts all day. He really likes them, and can even take them out all by himself. I'm a bit concerned that someday he'll just decide to take them out for no good reason. But so far, one has come out every day and he takes it to Matt and says he needs it put back in. He has yet to let me put them in. Although, he did let Matt put some artificial tear drops in today, so I think we are definitely getting there.
We bought ourselves six flags season passes, and have been there twice so far. Both times we froze. We went Saturday night and it was so windy. Miserable, really. I can't wait to go when it is warmer.
We had made plans with some friends to take all the kids to see Alvin and the Chipmunks today, so decided we needed to do our big turkey dinner on Christmas Eve. We had those same friends over to eat and play games with us yesterday. It was so great. It makes life so much better to have good friends to share your time with. It also makes being far away from family much easier.
After they went home, we opened our family gifts. It was really great. We got mostly things we can do as a family. I love it. I made Matt a picture with all the kids' handprints on it. He had one from when we only had 3 kids, and always wanted me to add Zachy. So I made it with all five, finally.
My mom got us a new microwave. Microwaves older than 15 years can reset Zachy's pacemaker. Ours was questionable. We've had it 14 years, and have no idea if it was made 15 years ago or not. It's nice to just be safe. I don't know what to do with our old one though. It's in perfect condition, and seems silly to just donate to goodwill. Wish I knew someone who needed one.
Last night, Santa came to our house. And what did he bring? Why a Wii, of course. We are all so excited to have it! We love it. Great fun.
Today, we saw Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was cute. I've always been a fan of Theodore. So cute and cuddly. I think everyone in the city was there!
In all, it's been a really great Christmas.
But with happiness, always seems to come sadness.
Yesterday afternoon, my grandpa passed away. It was one of those things where it was good for him to die, but not for those of us who love him. He felt like he lived a good long life, and was really ready to go. But, we will miss him. Especially my dad. He didn't only lose his dad, but his best friend too. So if you could, would you just pray for him. He's really doing well. He knows it was time, but it's still hard to lose someone you love so much.
Also, I've been thinking all day, that now the holidays are over. Now Zachy's surgery will be here before we know it. And honestly, I don't want to go there. I have nothing to look forward to, to get my mind off it. I know we'll get through this, and everything will be ok. But there are always risks. And the future is not certain. And so, as a mommy, I worry. And...I pray. It's the only thing that gets me through.
OK, I've rambled far too long. I hope you all had a woderful Christmas.

How will your obituary read?

Have you ever wondered that? What will your obituary say about you? Will it say you were an encouragement to others? Will it say you touched many lives? Or will it just state the facts?
So yeah, I'm having a hard time with Damon's death. He was just so SO wonderful. He was an inspiration. I often wondered how it was that he was so nice. And the only answer is that he was walking so close with Christ. He was becoming like Him every day. And it showed. I want to be like that.
The other day, we went to a pizza place, and I sat there and thought, 'this must be a christian establishment'. I can't tell you why I thought that, because I can't put my finger on it. But, I want people to look at me and think, 'she must be a christian'
I have so far to go. I am trying to think positive thoughts these days. I'd like to eliminate the negative influences on my life. I'm stepping back from some message boards that aren't that uplifting. Not that they are bad, they just aren't uplifting. If that makes any sense.
Damon's influence continues in death. My mom said that church was packed yesterday, and that testimonies of him were cut off at 12:30. The funeral isn't till Tuesday. I can't begin to imagine how packed it will be then.
They donated organs, and were able to take stem cells, bone marrow, skin, eyes, almost everything. They said at least 50 people would be helped by him. How wonderful.
Another wonderful thing is that his grandma was able to buy him a plot right next to the very woman who introduced him to Jesus. Can you imagine that reunion when Jesus comes back? How very, very wonderful.
And so here is how his obituary reads. It speaks volumes to me.

Damon A. Huhtala, 28, a resident of Hayden; died April 18, 2007. He was born Oct. 17, 1978, at Roseville, Calif., to Diana Howe Jewell and Kerry Huhtala. Damon grew up in Sonora, Calif., where he graduated from high school.

Damon moved to Coeur d'Alene in 2000, where he attended North Idaho College Carpentry program. Later he helped construct the Hayden Lake Seventh-day Adventist Church, where he had recently become a member. He was presently employed by Edwards Construction Company. However, he had already laid plans to enroll at Weimar College, a Bible College in California to get a degree in theology and become a minister.

He loved fishing, boating, hiking, camping and all kinds of snow sports including: skiing, snowboarding and snowmobiling. He also loved children, but his favorite pastime was studying the Bible.

Damon's name means "loyal friend" and this describes him in the most accurate terms. Many people considered him their very best friend. He was a wonderful example, inspiration and encouragement to many others. His quiet, genuine and non-assuming ways were irresistible and made him the type of guy everyone wanted to be around. He will be deeply missed by all who knew him.

Do your loved ones know that you love them?

My mom called me today, to tell me that one of our friends from Idaho had tragically died today.
He worked in the construction business. Today he was walking with a nail gun when he tripped on a cord. He fell down and the nail gun went off..shooting a nail through his head.
Such a horrible thing.
He was 28 years old.
And it made me think. Did Damon know how much he was loved? His life was certainly not easy. Not by a long shot. His dad and brother are in prison. I don't know anything about his mom. He had years of drug use behind him.
But he found Christ, and his life changed. He was a deacon in the church. He probably physically built more of the church in Idaho than anyone else. He was the type of person you could depend on. Over and over I heard what a hard worker he was. When Matt was in Korea, and we were moving..Damon was right there helping me. We had game nights at our house, and he was always there.
He was a quiet guy, but once you got to know him, he impacted your life.
I can't even tell you how much he will be missed.
And yet, I wonder, did he know? Did anyone actually take the time to tell him they loved him? Because we did. Anyone who knew him, must have. But with no family to tell him, did he ever hear it?
My stomach has been upset all night. You don't usually wake up and think you are going to trip and shoot a nail through your head. You don't wake up and think that when you go to class that day, you will be shot. You never know when your last day is.
Take the time to let your loved ones know you love them. Even if you think they know. And even if they aren't family, or the usual people you tell that you love. It could be your last chance.
Goodbye Damon. We loved you, and we will miss you so much. I only wish we had taken the time to tell you.