Where's my Peace?

I feel so uneasy these days.
I have no idea why.
I have so much to be thankful for and to praise Him for, I just don't have peace.
Where is it? How do I get it? I just want a calm feeling.
Instead, I feel like my insides are always jumbled up. I always worry about everything. I worry about not doing a good enough job as a mom and wife, mainly. I don't know why. I just really want to be a good wife and mom, and I never feel like I do enough to be that. And then I stress out about it.
I often feel like crying. Over the silliest things. Again, I have no reason to cry, and yet, the feeling is almost overwhelming at times.
I really just want peace. *sigh*

Day of Rejoicing

Today, Zachy and Natalie both had appointments with the cardiologist. It was quite funny when they brought us back to the exam room. I only had Matthew, Zachy, and Natalie with me. We went to a tiny exam room. A nurse took us. Zachy got on the bed and she started working with his pacemaker. At the same time, another nurse was doing an EKG on Natalie. Then, two residents came in...one to ask me questions about Zachy, one about Natalie. We were all crammed into this little room, and it just made me chuckle.
So Zachy is doing great. His pacemaker battery still says it will last 5-7 years. Great news. The only downer was that the doctor said if Zachy grows like Matthew, then we'll be needing to replace the lead wires sooner than they thought. That's kind of a bummer. It was so hard to get those leads in, I hate to think of how it will go next time. But, that's several years from now...no sense thinking about it now. He goes back in six months, for his last visit before we move.
Good news for Natalie too. Her heart looks great. She does have a bit of narrowing at the repair site, but nothing to worry about. The doc thinks that it would be good in a couple years to do an MRI to see the structure of her heart better. However, he won't be her doctor in a couple of years, so we'll see what the new doc says. The most exciting thing is she has graduated to 6 month visits. She will go one more time with Zachy. So hard to believe, but oh so wonderful!

I'm BA-ACK

We got home from Disney World yesterday.
We had such a great time and it was such a bummer to come home and go back to life as normal. I really think I'd like to live at Disney World. I would point out buildings there and tell Matt that we could just live there. Too bad they were probably all fake!
Natalie did wonderfully. I was concerned about taking a 3 month old, but in reality, it was great.
Emily was so much fun this year. To see her interacting with the characters was awesome.
I haven't uploaded pictures, but when I do, I'm going to come back and do another entry.
For now though, it's life as usual!

The House of Mouse

Yep, we are headed there again this year.
To Disney World that is.
If you remember, we got season passes last year when we went.
We had gone back and forth about whether we were going to go again before they expired.
In the end, we decided that after the rough start to the year, the kids deserved some fun..and us too.
So, we took the plunge and are headed to Disney next week.
It should be interesting taking a 3 month old baby, but we'll survive. And it's about being together as a family anyway.
My biggest concern is that right now, Natalie HATES the car seat...and we are driving...for two whole days. Yikes. I hope she learns to not hate it so much by the end of this! Wish us luck!

Just One More Reason I Hate You, CHD...

Last night, Zachy asked me if I thought we were going to have another good Christmas this year.
I told him that sure we would
He then asked if we were going to have another baby this Christmas.
I told him that no, we wouldn't be.
He was so sad and asked me why. Then Dillon chimed in, "yes, why not?"
I had to explain to them that not all babies with CHDs live, and I could not handle losing one of them. It would just be too much.
Dillon said, "yes, but isn't it really rare to have three babies with heart defects?"
Then I had to explain that it is indeed, very, very rare...but it is also incredibly rare to have two with the same defect. A rare defect, at that.
Zachy then told me he guessed it wouldn't be a good Christmas this year,after all, not without a new baby.


Yes, CHD, we would have loved to have more kids, but you have ruined those plans for us. I hate you intensely because of that. I grieve the children we won't have, because of you. I hate you.

Not there yet

Tuesday night, our family attended a Mended Little Hearts meeting. I've been somewhat involved in this group since moving here. It's been really hit or miss with the group because I often feel further out than most of the other families. I wanted to be involved to support people, just never got the opportunity.
Fast forward to this year. I'm right back where I started. So, we decided to get more involved in the group. I really want to be on the support side of things, and I really thought I was ready.
However, on Tuesday, the leader was talking about all the different aspects of the group. Be it support or being supported. She said we are all in different places on this journey. I was fighting tears the whole time, for some reason.
I guess I'm not as ready as I wanted to be.
It's strange, really. I feel like I'm in two different places on this journey. I no longer question why Zachy was born with TAPVR, but I do with Natalie. I no longer cry over Zachy, but I do over Natalie. I guess there are things that apply to both of them, like why did this happen twice? I should say why did it happen at all, but it's always, why twice.
I truck along, usually happy, but sometimes, out of the blue, this overwhelming sadness comes.
I just really don't know where I am. And I'm not sure I need to know. I guess I just need to be. Where ever, and however that is.

Unbreakable Bond

I have been meaning to write about this..and every day it gets better.
The bond between Zachy and Natalie is unbelievable.
Zachy tells her every day that he is so glad she didn't die, and that God let her stay with us. He truly means it.
He kisses her all the time and is always whispering in her ears.
Today, he asked me if we were going to have anymore babies.
I explained to him that I didn't know, because I couldn't have handled if either of them had actually died, and we weren't sure we wanted to risk that again.
He said, "that's why I want to protect babies. I want to be a doctor"
"oh really? A doctor that takes care of babies? Or a doctor that takes care of babies hearts?"
"A doctor that takes care of their hearts. I don't ever want a baby to die because of their heart"
This is the first time he has expressed an interest in being a doctor.
We have often asked him if he wanted to grow up and be like Dr. Bush, and the answer was always no.
Apparently, seeing what it does to someone, other than yourself, totally changes things.
He never used to really talk about his heart, but now he does.
He tells me, "me and Natalie have the specialist hearts in the family".
He loves her so deeply, and it touches me so much. They will be bound for life.
He is young, and time will tell if he becomes a pediatric cardiologist, but I can't imagine anyone more empathetic than him.

Dear TAPVR

Dear TAPVR and your faithful sidekick ASD,
I'm writing to you because they say that sometimes it is easier to talk about your feelings in writing. I'm willing to give it a shot, because I have a bone to pick with you.
You see, TAPVR, I don't particularly care for uninvited guests. And you have chosen to come to our home not once, but twice. You crept up silently, before you so rudely barged in.
Most guests come to be the life of the party. You, on the other hand, came to suck the life out of my children. I guess no one informed you that you were coming to the wrong house, because you see, my children are much stronger than you.
I guess I'm not labeling you correctly. Guests,eventually leave. But you will never leave, will you? No, you will always be around, until the day I die. When my baby has a hard time breathing, you will be the first thought that comes to the doctor's minds. They will do x-rays to be sure blood isn't backing up into her precious little lungs, because of you. When my little boy tires, it is you who will pop up into everyone's minds again.
It is also you who my kids will continue beating, every day of their lives. Again, I'm sorry no one informed you of their ability to do that.
I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. And I don't hate easily. In fact, I can't think of anyone else I hate. To hate is to murder. How I wish I could literally murder you. I would do it in a heartbeat...no pun intended.
I guess though, that I do owe you some thanks. How can that be?
Because of you, I have fallen to my knees more than I would have had you not shown your face. I'm so ashamed to admit that.
You have taught me not to take anything for granted. So many women get pregnant and just assume their baby will be healthy. Not me, no, you took that naivety from me.
You taught me just how precious life is, and that in a beat of a heart it can be gone.
Lastly, you have shown me how strong my children are. Oh how I admire them. I wish I was that strong. I know though, that all of our strength comes from our heavenly Father.
For these things, I thank you.
I hate you and wish I didn't know you, but I do appreciate all you have taught me.
Your host..forever,
The mom of 2 of the most precious babies, who just so happen to know you far too well.

Coming out of my hole

I feel like I'm coming out of a hole.
When I'm pregnant, I tend to become a hermit. I really don't know why. I don't feel depressed or anything like that, I just like to be home with my family. The kids did their play, I helped with that, and there was always church involvement, but that was about it.
We are part of a home school group that meets every Friday for park day.
Last week was the first one we have gotten to this year.
This week, we have kicked school up into high gear and are back to our four day schedule. Usually, Friday is our catch up day. So whatever they were unable to complete during the week, gets done Friday.
Today, Dillon and Matthew both have a little bit of lap booking to do, and when I say little, I mean they both have one mini book to complete...which is not a lot.
Which all means we're hitting the park again today!
Last night, we had some friends over for dinner, so I got the house all clean for that. And that means I have very little preparation for Sabbath.
It's almost like a day off today! Woo Hoo!
I do have some picking up and laundry to do, and some errands to run, but for the most part, it will be a laid back day.
I feel like things are starting to move along like they did in the days before I was pregnant and in my hole. I like it.
And once the trees start to bloom, I'll feel even better! I can't wait! I'm so envious of all the people in the northwest who are talking about flowers that are starting to peek through the ground. I miss bulb flowers so much. I guess it doesn't get cold enough here to do to the bulbs what has to be done during the winter. So for now, everything is dead. That gets old real quick.
Spring is just around the corner though! My second favorite season.
Good times are ahead! I can feel it.

The Wait

Part 1
.Part 2


The next morning, I was dying to get to my baby. Of course, I had to wait for my doctor to discharge me. Unfortunately, I didn't see her until about one in the afternoon. She had no idea that Natalie had been transferred, and immediately discharged me when she heard.
Matt took me to the other hospital, where I was finally reunited with our sweet girl.
We didn't get to stay too long with her because the cardiologist was there and took us into a room to show us the angiogram they had done that morning. He also told us she would be having her surgery on Friday or Monday. It was Wednesday. Later that day, we were told it would for sure be Monday. The reason for the wait was to get her eating well. Apparently, feeding issues are the main reason a baby stays in the NICU after surgery.
The end of the week was pretty uneventful. Natalie looked so good that it was very, very hard for me to tell my head she did indeed need surgery.
It was quite the emotional roller coaster, that week. For one thing, I had all the post partum hormones on board, and they were swinging.
The other thing was, when you are waiting for open heart surgery, you flip between being so thankful you get to wait, and wanting it done RIGHT NOW. You know, just in case they wait too long.
I wanted to be with her every moment, in the back of my head was the thought that this could be the only week we had with her. I don't know that you can understand that. I think any heart mom can, but unless you've been there, I'm not sure you get it, completely.
Unfortunately, there was no way for us to stay at the hospital. So we were commuting back and forth. This meant we were normally at the hospital from about 11 till 6. That wasn't nearly enough time for me. While we were there, I was nursing her, and pumping. She was feeding very well.
On Saturday, things started to change.
While we were there, her O2 sats were dropping. The alarms would sound at 75 and it was going off almost constantly. Finally, they just muted it.
By Sunday they had set the alarm at 65. Her sats were still low, and her respirations were up. So in addition to the alarms for her sats going off, the alarms for her respirations was going off as well.
Being her parents, this was so stressful for us. In our minds at any moment she could crash. Although, I don't think that's how it works, but again, as her parent, that's how your mind goes.
Sunday, Matt's parents also flew in to be with us. We are so very grateful for all the support from our family, and were very, very glad they came to be with us.
Monday morning was surgery. For some reason, she was the second case, so we had to wait on the surgeon.
In the NICU, we noticed her nails and lips were blue. The nurse said it was definitely time to do the surgery.
I felt like it was almost like watching someone die. Each day, something new happened. It was really rough.
We ended going to the holding room around noon. The poor baby was so hungry and crying like crazy by then.
I was trying to hold it together. All I could think about was what if she didn't make it through surgery. And the fact that after this, everything may change. I couldn't even hold her because she was attached to several lines. I just wanted to scoop her up and snuggle with her and nurse her. All I could do was rub her head and talk to her while she cried. At one point, it was too much for me and I just had to sit down. I felt like I was betraying her, sitting there and not being with her. I just felt so helpless. I shed so many tears, and said so many prayers.
Finally, they took her back. Again with the mixed feelings. Relief that if all went well, she would be fixed. Sadness to know that if all went well, she would be hurting. And fear of it not going well. I wanted to take her and just run and never deal with any of it. I wanted it all gone.
We headed to the waiting room to wait for what would feel like an eternity.
Finally, the cardiologist came to talk to us and tell us everything went well.
The tears just poured out. I was so very, very relieved.
We would head to the PICU for a bit of recovery before being sent back to the NICU.
In a way, the ride was just beginning. We didn't know what we were in for, and it would probably be what brought me to needing to write all of this out. It was very, very difficult, but that's a different story, for a different entry.

Caridologist appt.

I'm taking a little break from my story to let you know about Natalie's appointment yesterday.
She weighs 11 pounds 2 ounces now. I knew once the lasix was stopped she'd start putting on the weight, and she has. Almost 2 pounds in a month! WAY TO GO NATALIE!!
She has an upper left pulmonary vein that is narrow..however, it has always been narrow. If you look at the picture, you can see that it actually attaches to the lower left pulmonary vein. It's something that we have to keep an eye on. If it gets too narrow, it may need surgery. The doctor said that since it is only one vein, if she doesn't have any issues then it may not need anything. We'll pray for that!
Also, she has a bit of narrowing at the repair site. This is the one that will be more important. As she grows, the scar may or may not grow well with her. If it doesn't, then they will have to redo things and fix that. If it stays the same narrowness (is that a word?!?!) that it is now, it should be fine. Again, we're praying for that!
In a few months, Dr Bush thinks he will probably do an MRI to see things more clearly, but maybe not.
It feels like everything is wait and see! God really must think I need to work on my patience. Who am I kidding? He's right!!
Also, Dr Bush still thinks her rhythms are good. If she needs paced he thinks it won't be for "decades and decades". I'll take that!! None of this four year old business.
So for now, we wait. Which is good. I'd rather have that then some issue that needs to be taken care of right now.
Here are some pictures from before her heart was fixed.
The first is her pulmonary veins that are clearly, not attached to the back of her heart. The vein that they are attached to, isn't even supposed to be there.
The second is just showing how much bigger the right half of her heart was. It is all back to it's normal size now, thank goodness!

The Discovery

Part 1



The morning of January 5, 2010 couldn't get here soon enough. I was suddenly tired of being pregnant, but probably more excited to finally meet our little girl. Interestingly, Zachary's birthday is August 5. We would soon come to realize all the similarities that were about to be. They would share more than just a number.
We arrived at the hospital at 5 AM. I was so afraid to get my IV. Strangely, I fear the IV more than anything else in childbirth. They took me to my room and made Matt stay in the waiting room until I was settled. I had to get my IV without Matt there to hold my hand. Thankfully, it was the best placement I'd ever had and it really was pretty simple.
The induction was started, and everything progressed as expected. I told the nurse when we started that my baby was posterior. She said we would see. I could tell though, by the movements I'd been feeling that she was facing the wrong way.
I managed to get through my sixth induced labor without an epidural for only the second time. The first being with Zachy.
As she was coming out, the doctor said, "oh, there's her face!" and the nurse asked how I knew she was face up. She was pretty surprised that I was able to tell her that. Zachy was my other sunny side up baby.
I have no idea how it came to be that with these two I didn't do an epidural. I'm sure their births were more painful than the other four together. And yet, I was determined, both times.

Natalie Grace was born at 1:32 PM weighing 8 lbs 13 oz and was 19 inches long.
When she came out, there was no putting her on my belly. They whisked her away to the warmer. She wasn't crying. I've had another baby not put on my belly because he wasn't crying. Guess who? Yep, Zachy. I'm not sure how, but they gave her apgars of 8 and 9. They got her crying and finally brought her to me. At which time I tried to nurse her. But she wouldn't latch very well. The nurse told me to go skin to skin with her to help. It did help, a little. If you're thinking that I probably had this problem with Zachy..you would be right!
Since I had had no epidural, I was able to move from the labor and delivery room to the post partum room pretty quickly. The rooms are on separate floors, and in the elevator I told Natalie that she was such a good girl. She was breathing so well and I told her she would be our baby to avoid a NICU stay. Several of the kids have grunted when they breathed and had to be checked over in the NICU, but she wasn't grunting. I was so happy!
We went to our room and Matt started calling people. He was holding her, and she wasn't wrapped in her blanket. I noticed she was a bit blue, and told Matt she must be cold and to cover her up. Right about that time, the nurse came in to take her to the nursery to transition her.
At the hospital I gave birth at, they take the baby to the nursery to give them their first bath and just check the babies over. She said it would take about an hour.
An hour came and went. Matt was still calling people. I was having quite a bit of bleeding, and asked him to please go check on her. He said we could wait for awhile, that they would bring her back, or tell us if something was wrong. More time passed and I couldn't take it anymore, I told him he had to go check on her. This time he went.
When he came back, he informed me that the nurse noticed that Natalie was a bit dusky and did a pulse ox and her O2 Sats were low. I would later come to learn that they were in the low 70s mid 60s. She had put blow by oxygen in her crib and had called the pediatrician. He then asked if I thought we should tell her about Zachary's heart. I said of course we needed to do that.
The next time he returned he said the plan had changed. The neonatalogist was now coming instead of the pediatrician.
The neonatalogist came and talked to us and said he had to take her to the NICU and run several tests to see if we were dealing with her heart or something else. He talked to us for quite awhile about different things that could be wrong, but it is all a blur to me.


We went with him to the nursery to see her before they took her to the NICU. Also, our kids had just arrived at the hospital with their grandparents. They saw Natalie through the window before they took her away. During that visit, the doctor told us we should have some answers in about an hour.
The kids went home, and we waited. An hour passed and we headed downstairs.
I will never forget walking into the NICU that night. The doctor was a retired military doctor and this was his first night at this hospital. As we walked in, I overheard him talking with the nurses about where they transfer babies to. I felt my face go white and turned to Matt and said, "they're transporting her". Matt said we didn't know that for sure.
The doctor then came and said the tests indicated that it was her heart, and the cardiologist had been called in. My heart sank. I think at that point, though I didn't want to admit it, I knew exactly what was coming.
Right away, the cardiologist was there to do an echo. He introduced himself and then asked us to leave and wait out in the hallway while they did the echo.
We made our way to the hallway to wait. What a long day of waiting it had been.
We tried to make small talk, but we both knew what was happening.
At one point I said the echo was taking too long, and that something was wrong with her heart, but surely it couldn't be TAPVR. I hoped and prayed it was something simple.
After what felt like an eternity, a nurse came out to the hallway and announced that the doctor wanted to speak to us in the conference room. Just so you know, if a doctor wants to talk to you in a conference room, it's usually not good.
I'll never forget the doctor coming and the words that followed.
He said, "I understand you have a son with TAPVR"
"yes," we answered.
"Do you know what type he has"
"yes, supracardiac".
*sigh* "That's exactly what we found with your daughter."
I knew it was coming..I did..but I still felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me, and that this was a horrible dream.
How could this be happening again?? As the doctor continued to talk I just kept wondering why and how. I have no idea what else he said. I was dying inside. I wanted to rewind the day. I wanted her back inside me, where she was safe. I wanted a do-over. I wanted anything but to be sitting there listening to this. I was holding tight to Matt's hand, probably tighter than while I was in labor. And as strong as I tried to be, the tears were just flowing..silently. He kept talking..I remember thinking, "please, just let me go be with my baby". I do know he was talking about how unusual this is, that he's never seen TAPVR repeat in siblings, that this just doesn't happen.
But it does happen.
And it did happen.
And a piece of me died.
I was changed when we went through this with Zachy, I didn't realize I'd be changed even more, but I was. I haven't decided if it is a change for the better or worse.

Finally, we got to go be with our sweet, sweet girl. The transport team was already there, but bless them, they just hung out for awhile and let me hold my baby. For that,I was very grateful.


Sending her to a hospital away from me was so hard.
It came time for her to go. I didn't want to let go. Somehow, I managed.
Before they took her, I had Matt take some pictures of her. I knew there would be very, very few pictures of her without a scar on her chest. For the rest of her life.


We headed back upstairs to my room so Matt could get his stuff and follow Natalie.
My nurse asked me how it went. We had to tell her it wasn't good. She said, "lucky for you, you have a nurse who believes in the prayer. And you have a nurse who serves a God that answers prayers." I will never, ever forget that. I can't remember her name, but I will never forget those words.
I truly believe that had the first nurse not decided to do a pulse ox test on Natalie, she would not have been diagnosed when she was. She seemed so healthy.
Matt left, and I was alone. What a horrible feeling, to be in a post partum room, and have no baby with you. It was just me and facebook.
I didn't sleep that night. I don't think Matt did much either. He says he did, but I know him, and I don't think he did. We knew what was coming, and it wasn't pretty. Our baby girl was fighting for her life. We know people who have lost their babies to TAPVR. We knew..all to well..what might be.
And there wasn't a thing we could do about it.
Except pray. I am eternally grateful that we serve such a loving God. A God who cares what happened to our baby. And a God who held me up, when all I wanted to do was fall into a pit of despair.
Yes, through it all, we knew...God is good.

The Birth Story

The Journey Begins

On May 7, 2009, my husband, Matt, and I learned that we were pregnant for the seventh time. Much to our surprise. It was definitely a pleasant surprise, but a surprise, nonetheless.
You see, for only the second time in our married life, we were actually trying to prevent a pregnancy. Not that we didn't want another baby, but we were planning a family vacation to Walt Disney World, for two weeks in May.
Back in July of 2000, we went to the World and I was six weeks pregnant. Upon returning home, I miscarried. It was devastating to lose one of our precious babies. I did not want to go back, pregnant. I didn't want to worry the whole time, and I certainly didn't want a repeat of the last time.
But, there's always a but, one night, we threw caution to the wind. And as they say, it only takes one time.
We were leaving on our trip May 9, and my period was due to start on the 10Th. I didn't expect to be pregnant, but thought I would test..just in case. Lo and behold, two gorgeous pink lines. Six really, because I had done what any good woman does, and bought a three pack of tests. I'm not one to let a test go to waste, so I used all of them. And they all told me the same, wonderful news.
The next morning, I woke up to use the restroom and was greeted by brown spotting. I was so scared we would lose the baby, but had no other choice than to just go about getting ready for our trip. Thankfully, I knew that brown meant old blood and I just might be OK.
We left on our trip, excited but scared.
On the way over (we drove) there were all kinds of pro life signs talking about when a baby's heart beats. Matt and I had fun counting how many days pregnant I was, and determined our baby's heart was indeed, already beating.
Although we were nervous about telling the kids, we knew we had to tell the eldest two, at least. We normally wait for awhile, just in case we lose another baby, but with me not being able to ride the rides, we knew they'd wonder what was up. We ended up telling all four of the boys in the pool once we got to our condo. They were all so thrilled.
We spent two weeks at Disney World. The first was excruciatingly hot, the second, it poured. Not only did it pour, but morning sickness hit with a vengeance that second week. I felt pretty miserable, but took it as a great sign that this baby was going to stick around. There had also not been anymore spotting since the first incident.
We came home and got back to life. Which for me, meant setting up appointments with my OB and the Perinatalogist.
I am considered high risk because my fourth son, Zachary, was born with a complex heart condition. It is called TAPVR, and it happens when the pulmonary veins do not connect to the heart correctly. He had open heart surgery at less than 72 hours to correct it. I also have a minor blood clotting issue, and I take baby aspirin throughout my pregnancy.
I see the peri for monthly ultra sounds to check the blood flow to be sure there are no clots. Also, to check the heart.
I was in the peri's office by seven weeks. That was when we first met baby Tarzan. We called her that because Zachary always asked if we could call our next baby, Tarzan.
It wasn't long though, until we discovered that Tarzan, was a girl. Our second daughter. How God had richly blessed us!
Around 28 weeks, I had my fetal echo cardiogram. The doctor looked long and hard, and said she saw at least two pulmonary veins, and they appeared to be draining into the left atrium, like they were supposed to. What a relief.
When I was pregnant with my number five, Emily, I was very stressed out. I was so afraid she would also have TAPVR. But she didn't, her heart is perfect.
This time around, I prayed endlessly for strength. Not once did I pray for our baby's health. I just prayed for strength to get us through whatever may come. I felt, somehow, that something was wrong. At a brunch I attended with my women's ministries group, I confided in my pastor's wife that I knew something was wrong with my baby. I told her whatever it was, it would be OK, because I knew we could get through it, but I just had a feeling something was wrong.
Appointment after appointment, the peri declared our baby healthy. And we were at such peace.
In fact, this pregnancy was a piece of cake. I felt great, until the very end, and even Matt commented on how great I seemed to be feeling. Most of the time, it felt totally surreal that I was even pregnant.
That all changed right around 36 weeks. Suddenly, I just became really uncomfortable, and ready to meet our baby. We couldn't wait.
Oh how I had wanted a Christmas baby. It wasn't meant to be, however, and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on January 5. I was due January 14, but because of the blood clotting issue, the doctor likes to induce me early. And, as bad as it sounds, I'm totally OK with that.
My mom and step dad came down at Christmas time to be here when our newest baby was born. Little did we know, just how fortunate we were that they were here.

May be changing things

So, I've been having a really hard time dealing with all that has happened.
I just had my post partum appointment where we talked about depression. The doctor is convinced that I will come out of this on my own as Natalie continues to improve. The plan for now is to go back in a month to see how I'm doing. I decided I would start writing again, telling my story. Sort of a type of therapy for me.
The only problem I'm having is where to start.
I keep thinking of totally changing up my blog and making it just my story. I do all my updating about the kids on facebook anyway. But then, my story could get old. And again, where do I start? And do I tell my story as if to someone who knows nothing about us? I need to think about what would serve as therapy the best.
What is important to know, is that Natalie is currently doing well. Things were just so crazy. She is still on the formula, and I'm still pumping and praying that someday she'll come back to breastfeeding. I think when that happens I'll feel much better. Oh, and she is home. All our family has left, and Matt has gone back to work. The kids started school this week, and we are just trying to get life back on track.
As for me, I'm in an angry phase. Not angry with God or anything, just angry. I'm so so mad that this has happened again. I need to get through this, hence the reason for my writing it all out.
If you have any great ideas for how to begin writing, please let me know.

So Perfect

A friend sent this to me today. I pray my Natalie does this,

Once upon a special day,
In heaven up above
The tiniest souls sat at God's feet
Surrounded by his love.
The time was coming very soon
God said "Do not be scared"
Your family awaits your arrival
Now let us get prepared
and so.....God looked upon these souls
In mute consideration
He knew the life each one would live
He weighed each situation
The souls chatted amongst themselves
And wondered who they'd be.
They knew the day grew closer..and so on
They'd meet their family.
"How would you like to change the world?"
God asked each soul in fun
"The chance to make a difference
is held by only one."


I'm going to make the world laugh
One soul said with a smile.
For laughter heals a broken heart.
And helps us through each trial.
Then take with you the biggest smile
and share your laughter well
The soul thanked God immensely
And down to earth he fell.


And I'll remind the world to sing
A sweet little soul told the world
I have the gift of a beautiful voice .
I can hit every note, every chord
You'll have the gift of music then
A voice lovely and strong
Share your gift with others
Let them hear your song.


I will show compassion
The next little soul raised his hand
Some people only need a friend
Someone to understand
Compassion is a good thing
God said with much delight
To you...I will give mercy
You'll perceive wrong from right.

and so each soul....shared every thought
their plans their hopes their dreams
As God explained that life.....
is much harder than it seems
And as each soul began to leave
in a scurry of laughter and fun
heaven became quiet
left was only one....
Come sit with me my little child
God said with just a sigh
Do you know how many you will touch
in a world left wondering why
From the moment that your life begins
You will know strife
But you'll touch those that know you
To cherish the small things in life
and some may only know you
through a simple photograph
they'll never hold you in their arms
Or memorize your laugh
some may only know you
through the words they read each day
But you'll do something wonderful
You'll make them stop to pray
The tiniest soul raised her head up
To touch God's strong firm hand
Father I am ready for
The life that you have planned
And I will do the best I can
without a word or deed
for you Lord are the planter
And I will be your seed
She could already hear many praying
and although they had not seen her face
they were praying for her safe arrival
they were asking for mercy and grace
What talent do I leave with Lord
what gift to you impart?
All that you will need God said
I've placed within your heart
and so God kissed this tiny child
knowing all that she would be
and whispered as he watched her go
You'll teach them to see me.

Update on Natalie

What a long week this has been. Natalie had her surgery on Monday. Surgery went well. The day after surgery Natalie did GREAT. They extubated her and we got to hold her all day. She even nursed quite a bit on Tuesday. By Tuesday evening they moved her from PICU to NICU. This was a great step. And they had said she was doing so well that she would probably be home by the weekend.
However, Wednesday's chest x-ray showed fluid around her right lung. The dr tried to drain it just with a needle, but only got 10 ccs. They knew there was more so opted to do a chest tube. As of today that tube has drained over 200 ccs of fluid. A lot of fluid for a little baby.
The day after the tube was placed the nurse let us hold her and nurse. Since then, no nurse has let us hold her. :-(
Yesterday, they told us that she now had fluid around her left lung and had to do another chest tube on that side.
Today, we found out she has chylothorax...basically the fluid she is having is lymph. So, they put her on a special formula that has a very low fat content, to try and seal that up.
At this point, we've been told she will be in the NICU indefinitely. Most likely at least 2 more weeks.
My mom and Dave are still here, and Matt's parents have been here the last week. They leave tomorrow. I have no idea what we would do without them...it is really hard trying to figure out how to divide our time between the hospital and the kids. Thankfully, Matt has taken the month of January off. It's just been really hard.
Prayers would be appreciated. She's a little fighter and I know we'll get through this, it's just a matter of time.
I cannot wait to get her home with us, and to be able to snuggle with her whenever I want.

Natalie Grace's Birth Story

I tried everything I could think of to go into labor on my own, but it wasn't meant to be. I had been scheduled to be induced on Jan 5, and I made it to that day.
We arrived at the hospital at 5 am and got things started. I was terrified of the IV, but it was a really good placement and I did well with it. I was so proud of me! LOL
When they checked me I was still the 2 cm I had been at my last appt a week before.
I had said all along that I didn't want an epidural but that I wasn't someone who was going to let myself feel like I was dying.
Around 7 they started my pit and the doctor came in to check me. She said I was a 2 and asked if she could break my water. I told her last time they broke my water they didn't let me sit up after that, so asked that if that was the case, she not break it. But she said Natalie was low enough so she broke my water. Boy was there a lot, it just kept coming.
Matt and I started to play cards and the contractions were coming every few minutes but were very tolerable.
We made it through our game and turned on the TV. We watched a bit of the Price is Right and while we were watching that, the contractions started to get pretty painful.
The doctor had told me not to wait too long for the epi because I labor fast and she didn't want me to wait too long. The nurse said as soon as I was ready, she had filled out the paper work for the epi and she'd call the anesthesiologist. I just really felt like I could do it without.
Around 11, I asked to be checked because things were starting to pick up and I was wanting to see how far along I was to make the epi decision. I was a measley 4 cm. I thought I probably had a ways to go. I asked for something in my IV instead, just to get back on top of things.
Whatever they gave me, knocked me out. It must have been so weird to Matt, because I was out cold but every couple minutes I would wake up moaning and saying, "ow ow ow" and then I'd be out cold again. Matt went and got lunch at that time. I don't even remember him being gone.
Suddenly, at 12:30 I was in a ton of pain. My back was killing me and I wasn't sure I was going to make it through this. I was checked and was a 6. They offered me the epi, but I knew that transition was just around the corner and I'd go really fast after that. So I refused. I did ask for more IV meds because I really wanted to sleep and not deal with the pain! However, it was too soon after the first dose to give me anything.
At that point though, with nearly every contraction, I was bearing down. I couldn't help it, it was the only way to feel any sort of relief. The pain in my back was almost paralyzing. I was sitting on the end of the bed and couldn't move from that position. The contractions would just start to die down when another would come. I was crying at this point saying I couldn't do it. But I knew I had no choice. They kept checking me and it hurt sooo bad, I'd tell them they needed to get their hand out NOW. But each time I was a cm more dialated than before. Finally, they said I could push, but I got really scared. I had been pushing all along, but now was going to do it in earnest. I had so much pressure that I kept telling the dr I was going to poop on her! She said it was ok, but I was so freaked out about pooping on her! I don't think I ever did, but it was the thing I was concerned about at that time.
After pusing for about 3 contractions and 10 minutes Natalie came out, sunny side up. And it HURT. Badly. She wasn't crying so they wisked her away and Matt went to be with her. I don't remember him cutting the cord, but he says he did. I remember still being in a load of pain, with tons of burning. Finally, when the placenta came out, the pain was gone.
She was born at 1:32. It took two hours from being 4 cm to having her, not bad! She was 8 lb 13 oz and 19 inches long.
This is only the second time I've gone with no epi, strangely enough, it's been with both my TAPVR kiddos, and they both happened to be sunny side up.
I'm not sure I would recommend going without and epi in an induced labor. It is very intense and you literally go from totally tolerable contractions to 'oh my gosh I'm gonna die' contractions in a matter of minutes.
But, it's done. I didn't tear. My precious girl is here and I feel great.

Short update

I just wanted to let everyone know that Natalie Grace was born on January 5. She weighed 8lbs 13oz and was 19 inches long.
She is about the cutest thing I've ever seen!
I was induced at about 7 AM and she was born at 1:32 PM. Once things started going, it was a pretty intense labor. She was born sunny side up like Zachary which made things incredibly painful. But, we survived.
After having her with us for a couple hours the nurse took her to be "transitioned". This is a time they give them a bath and just generally look the baby over.
During this time, the nurse noticed she was "slightly dusky" and she did a pulse ox test. Pulse ox tests are not routine, for reasons I cannot fathom. Her O2 sats were in the low 90s so the nurse called in the ped.
When Matt went to check on Natalie he was told we were waiting on the pediatrician. At that point, Matt mentioned Zachary and his heart defect, TAPVR.
The nurse spread the word and shortly the neonatologist was called in. He explained to us all the tests that needed to be run before calling the cardiologist. They then transferred her to the NICU, and we were told we would have some news in about an hour.
About an hour later, we went down to the NICU, where we were told that all the tests indicated it was probably her heart, and they were waiting on the cardiolgist to get there to do an echo.
When that was done we were taken to a conference room (never a good sign) where we were told that Natalie has the same defect as Zachary. She has unobstructed, supracardiac TAPVR. What a blow! This defect is so very rare to begin with, and it is even more rare for it to repeat in siblings.
She was then transferred to a different hospital. I had to stay the night at the other hospital, which was very hard for me. Matt went over with Natalie.
The good news is, she is in much better shape than Zachary was. She isn't even on any oxygen. She will have her repair on Monday. It is so very hard to look at her and know that this HAS to happen for her to survive, she just seems so healthy.
So for now, we sit at the hospital holding her, and loving on her. Come Monday, all that will change and we won't be able to hold her for awhile. Breaks my heart!
Please remember Natalie in your prayers this upcoming week, she could really use them!

Still Here

I have neglected my blog so badly.
I've had such computer issues..and just yesterday sent my laptop back to the company to be fixed for the second time in 2 months. What a pain. And I'm lazy, on top of that. It's so much easier to get here when it's all in my favorites.
Anyway, I am still here. Still pregnant.
I am now 38 weeks. I haven't gone past 38 weeks since I had Dillon, 11 years ago. It's weird. My doctor would really like me to go into labor on my own. But if I don't, there is an induction date set. I'm not going to say it here, because it will be a surprise to some people who would like a surprise!
We had a great Christmas. My mom and step dad are here and it was a nice, quiet, family Christmas. Although, we are praying that next year, in Ohio, we'll get a white Christmas. It is really hard for it to feel like Christmas when it's warm outside!
The kids are done with school for now, until after the baby is born, so we've all just been hanging out playing with the new Christmas toys.
Oh, I wanted this to be longer, but Emily is wanting some attention, and I'm trying to give her lots in these last few days.
I'll update when Natalie is here!

It is highly possible that I am the worst mother alive

I am sitting in bed, listening to Emily scream her head off.
She is with Matt, but is throwing a huge, ginormous fit.
I honestly don't know what to do.
You see, she still nurses. Yes, yes, I do know she will be 3 in March. And yes, I know there is going to be a new baby in a matter of weeks. I know all of this.
To wean or not to wean has been the ongoing question here.
On the one hand it would be really great for her to be weaned before the baby is born.
On the other hand, I do not want her to feel rejected by me. And I really don't want her to hate Natalie.
It is such a hard, hard decision. She really enjoys nursing. And I really do not at this point.
So tonight, I let her nurse to sleep, which is about the only time she nurses. But she woke up after about an hour. And not just a little. She must have dreamt something bad because she woke up nearly screaming. So, I scooped her up, and naturally, she wanted to nurse. Normally, she will latch on and nurse for just a few minutes and I can tell her that's enough and she's fine with that. Not tonight though. She just wanted to nurse and nurse. And I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I'm reading a book about tandem nursing, and it turns out this is a totally normal feeling when you are nursing while pregnant.
I told her that was enough, and she lost it. And she's been screaming ever since. And it's breaking my heart. I'm not sure what we are trying to accomplish here. All I know is I don't want to nurse her right now.
How selfish. She needs comfort and all I care about is my own comfort.
See. I told you..worst mother alive.
This all sucks. Really, really bad. My mother would tell me that she has told me all along to wean her, we have just really struggled with if that was the best thing for her. It's funny, because my mom likes to spout off about me weaning her, she has no idea what we have been going through regarding the whole weaning issue. It isn't one we are taking lightly, it has been a source of major stress for us for some time. It's hard to know what the right decisions are when it comes to our babies!
I need a fairy godmother to come wave a wand and make this all better. *sigh*

Where is my music?

Do you hear my wonderful Christmas music???
I don't even see the box. It's in the html but it isn't showing up to me. Where did it go???

My head hurts

Matt has been in New Jersey for the week. He is coming home tonight. He can't get here quick enough.
It has just been a very trying week. Several things have gone wrong. The kids have been trying my patience. And well, I'm just tired.
My head is killing me this afternoon and I'm trying to decide what to do for dinner. I'm thinking maybe fast food, because I just don't have it in me to do much else. Maybe Taco Bell, we never eat there. Or Arby's.
Matt bought me a gift certificate last Christmas to be used for a massage. I found a place where I can get two 45 minute massages for the price of the gc he got me. I was wanting to do one next week on veteran's day because Matt has the day off, but we'll see. For some reason, I'm a bit nervous to make the appointment. Mainly because I know nothing about the place (though it got good reviews) and because I've never had a massage. I keep thinking that the people will take one look at me and think, "oh heaven's NO..I am NOT putting my hands on HER!!"
Anyway, Matt comes home tonight, but I won't see him much this weekend. He is doing and evangelistic series at church. I'm really proud of him for this, but meetings that normally are spread out over several weeks, have been condensed into two weekends worth of all day long meetings.
Next week the kids' play start. They have practice every night then the play starts Thursday. Usually, one of us takes the boys and the other stays home with Emily. If we do that, it means more time to not see him.
OK this was a really whiny post, I'm sorry. I'm just spent right now and felt the need to share that with all of you!

Birth Announcements or No??

Originally, I had planned on not doing Christmas cards, and just sending out birth announcements with the required picture and letter.
And I've been thinking lots about announcements and what I want them to say.
But then, I got to thinking...should I even do announcements?
I have always done them, but wonder if people get them and think, "oh, Matt and Bekki had another baby, big surprise". I also wonder if people think we send announcements to get gifts. This has been an issue for me for several babies. I do not want people to think they need to send anything, we send announcements to share our excitement with them, nothing else.
Then there is the issue of making them. I have made all the other announcements, but am not sure I want to do that this time. But since I've done it five other times, would it make sense to change now? Assuming I even do them!
AAAGGGHHHHH, who knew birth announcements could create such a dilemma for me??
I realize this entry makes very little sense, and is quite grammatically incorrect, I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

Update of sorts

I know it's been forever since I wrote anything significant. I just get in these modes where I just don't have it in me. Besides, it is so much easier to just throw a status update up on Facebook than it is to post here.
The first big update is on Zachy. Last I wrote the nurse had called concerned about some fast rhythms he was having. When we saw the Doctor he wasn't concerned at all. He said it registered as too high on the equipment because pacemakers aren't made for children. So what is a normal active rhythm for a child is too high for an adult. So all is well with Zachy. Thank goodness!
Matthew has been saving his money for a very long time, and yesterday was finally able to buy himself an iPod. He got the nano which has a camcorder on it as well. He has been taking videos all morning. He would probably be just fine with it even if it never played music. He loves making videos.
Their play is in two weeks. I will be glad when it's done. We love it, but by the end it is always nice to be able to stop making the drive twice a week. It's hard because the practices are 1 1/2 hours on Thursday and 2 hours on Sunday. Well, it is far enough away that by the time you turn around to go home it would be time to turn right back around to pick them up, but too long to just sit there. Although this year, I've been helping make the costumes and Matt's been staying home with Emily.
As far as the pregnancy, this has to be the easiest pregnancy I've ever had. In the beginning I was really sick, but since that has passed I have felt great. I'm 29 weeks and time is still flying. Natalie will be here before we know it.
Other than that, we've just been busy doing yearly eye exams, doctors visits for me, and dentist appointments. Oh yes, school too. Which is going great.
I wish this entry had been more entertaining, but alas, that's what happens when you wait so long in between entries! Sorry.

My apologies

I know it is far to early for Christmas for some of you, but I just cannot resist being in the Christmas spirit.
It is my favorite time of year and it is just too short, if you ask me!
This year is especially special because Miss Natalie will be joining our family right around Christmas, can you imagine anything more wonderful?? I can't.
Speaking of Natalie, what am I going to do about this blog? I won't have 5 little monkeys anymore, but 6. Is that an appropriate name? Six Little Monkeys? I don't know. If anyone has any great ideas for a new title, I'd love to hear them.
For now, sit back, relax, sip some hot cocoa and enjoy the Christmas spirit!

Where did you say you are from??

Today in southern Texas it is pretty brisk. The temp is in the 60s and it has been raining off and on all day.
Half of us are in pants, the other half are in shorts.
We had to run to Wally World to get some batteries earlier. While there, we saw several people in winter coats.
Matthew and I started commenting about the fact that to us this is great weather and to people around here, it's cold.
We then laughed about the fact that Emily kept saying she was cold, and she is the only one amongst us who is a Texan.
So Matthew says we are Ohioans...then said, "well, Collin anyway".
I said it was because we were northerners.
While we were talking about this Collin said, "I'm a what?" And we told him an Ohioan. We had to explain that meant he was born in Ohio.
Dillon says, "Am I an organic, since I was born in Oregon?"
Oh my, it was priceless.

Double Digits!!

Check out my ticker!! Less than 100 days to go! Time's a flyin!!

This Really Chaps my Hide

On our way home from play practice, there are two billboards.
They have a picture of a young lady with the words, "you have the power to have a healthy baby".
It's an ad for a health clinic, I think.
What does this imply?
UGH! It implies that if you only get proper prenatal care, you will have a healthy baby. And you have the power to make that happen.
Well darn. I wish someone had told me I had the power to have a healthy baby. If only I'd known that I possess that power!
For the record, I have always gotten the proper prenatal care.
I don't go to the doctor on a normal basis, but when I'm pregnant I never miss an appointment.
I just hate that they are trying to tell people that they can have a healthy baby.

Sometimes, it just isn't up to us.

Post Script and other Happenings

As a post script to yesterday's post..my sympathies go out to all young men of this generation.
Have you any idea how hard it is to teach these young men to keep their eyes and thoughts pure, when they are bombarded with just the opposite all around them?
Matt commented on the fact that they had just finished the respect CD, and talked about keeping thoughts pure. One way to do that, is to not fill your mind with images of scantily clad girls. They went ice skating after that, and what do you think all the girls were wearing? Next to nothing, of course.
Our kids are met with it everywhere. For us, even in the church. Girls wear clothes that leave nothing to the imagination, to church. What kind of message does that send the boys?
God gave them these hormones. We instruct them to keep them in check, and then WHAM! they can't get away from it.
It has to be so hard on them.

ANYWAY..onto other things.
Dillon's birthday is coming up. It is on Columbus Day this year, and we are going to try to go to Sea World for it. Once a year, military members and their dependents get free admission. We haven't used ours for this year, so we are going to go on his body. Hopefully, the weather cooperates. By this I mean either it isn't scorching hot or pouring rain. Anything in between will be just fine.

Our pastor's wife is teaching the kids guitar lessons every Sabbath after pot luck. It is really great. They are learning lots and I hope by the time we leave they have a great understanding of how to play the guitar. The only problem is, it doesn't address the ability to read music. Yes, they are learning cords, but not regular music. But then, do you really need to know how to read music to get by in life? I'm not so sure.

I posted after our first week of school that Zachy was trucking along with everything. That has definitely stopped. Collin has taken the lead now and does his work without complaint and...are you ready for this?? I see signs of the switch almost being switched and him being able to read! WAHOO!!!!!

Emily is as cute as ever. She is such a character and cracks us up all the time. She does everything the boys do, but the last couple of days she has wanted to wear dresses, so maybe there is hope that she won't be a total tom boy!!

Matt says he feels like a divorced dad getting visitation with his kids this week. He also says he is ready to have a night alone with me. HA! That hasn't happened in over 13 years, I don't see it happening anytime soon! Oh well, I'll just be glad to have him home tonight, I've missed him. He leaves next week to teach a hearing conservation course. He'll be gone all week. Then home the next week. Then off again the following week. He's a busy beaver!

As for me, I'm 25 weeks pregnant today. Baby is moving around so much sometimes it makes me nauseous. I do love it though! She is currently breech, though I'm not concerned at this point. I think if she would turn, I would be more comfortable. Right now, I feel like she is going to kick right through my cervix. Other than that, though, I am still feeling really good. I still look fat. No one has asked me if I'm pregnant, so that's a sure sign. I don't think anyone at the kids' play have any idea I am indeed pregnant and not just fat. Oh well, in due time I guess.

So that's about it. That's all she wrote.

I don't normally do this

Today I want to highly recommend a product. I am in no way being paid to do this, I am just impressed.
Awhile ago, it became clear that our boys were growing up, and it was time to have some serious talks about *gasp* the birds and the bees.
The problem was, Matt didn't really know how to go about doing this. He remembers the talk his dad had with him and just remembers both of them being very embarassed. This isn't what we wanted, but we weren't real sure how to avoid it.
Enter Passport 2 Purity.
This program is great!
Basically, you go on a getaway with your child. About 24 hours worth.
You start by taking them to dinner and telling them what the weekend (or night) is going to be about. You give them their adventure journal that they will use to fill in answers to tough questions. Then on your way to your destination, you listen to the first of five cds. You cannot imagine the relief Matt felt knowing that someone else would be presenting this information in a Biblical manner.
The first topic is about peer pressure. They listen to the disc and fill in the blanks, then discuss things with their parent. They get to listen to their parents talk about mistakes they made! What fun!
The topics covered are peer pressure, your changing body, sex, dating, and staying pure.
After each topic they do an experiment to drive the point home. For example, the first experiment is trying to put together a puzzle with no picture to go by. The point behind this is to show how we need instructions in life. And those are in the Bible.
After the heavy topics on the second day, you do something fun with your child.
Then after the last topic, you wrap up with a nice dinner where you present them with a gift to congratulate them for taking these steps towards maturity.
So Matt took Matthew to a local hotel on Monday night. For their fun time, they went ice skating and to a movie. For his gift, he got an electric razor. He's grown a caterpillar on his lip!
Then last night, Zachy and Collin spent the night with Matt just to spend some time with him. They went to Chuck E Cheese and then also to a movie.
Tonight is Dillon's night to complete the program.
Matthew came home and had had a great time. I was worried about how he would respond to all of this, but he really enjoyed it.
I asked Matthew if he thought Dillon was too young and he said that no he wasn't, and he wished we had done this when he was 11.
I am just really, really pleased with how this has turned out.
If you have preteens, I highly recommend this program to you.

Now That's What I'm Talkin About!

Today it is rainy and a cool 68 degrees outside.
It feels almost like fall.
Of course, the rain we've gotten the last couple weeks has greened up all the trees and lawns. So no changing of leaves, but still!
It is so wonderful. Even though yesterday it was in the upper 90s. I am willing to forget about yesterday and move on with fall.
Matt planted mums in my pots the other day and even bought me a pumpkin to help me feel like it is fall. What a wonderful man I have!
We have candles lit and Christmas music playing, and it is just a good day.

Not a call I really wanted

So I got a call bright and early this morning. It was the nurse from the electrophysiologist's office.
By the way, I've never gotten a call from her before, which of course makes my heart drop.
She told me that Zachy's last phone transmission showed his leads all look great, but he is having several episodes of high rates. She said it's nothing life threatening..yet..and that he needs to be seen.
We already had an appointment set up for October 14, and we are just keeping that appointment.
I am praying it is an easy fix. However, one of the reasons we paced him when we did, was to avoid getting to the point of tachy rhythms. Tachy is much harder to correct than brady. The hope was that by getting the brady under control, it would be like a normal heart and he wouldn't ever get to the tachy point.
I don't know how they are going to correct it. Before they paced him the doc talked about having to control tachy rhythms with meds. I keep hoping maybe the can just set a high threshold. But that doesn't make sense to me. It is easy to zap a heart and make it beat, but how do you zap it to make it slow down? Of course, I'm not the doctor and it may very well be possible. We'll see.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate CHD. I hate that any child has to suffer through any of this.
I wish the Lord would just reach down and heal my baby's heart. And at the same time, I know how incredibly selfish that is. My baby is here and alive, so many aren't that lucky.
I find it almost comical that this is happening now. This seems to be our pattern. Things will be quiet in our house for awhile, then Matthew and Zachy will be hit at the same time. In fact, when Zachy was paced, Matthew had surgery a week later. So it figures that we would be dealing with all we are with Matthew and things would pop up with Zachy!
Anyway, his appointment isn't until the 14TH and I am going to try hard to not think about it until then!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

Yesterday morning, Zachy was praying for our breakfast.
He was saying, "thank you for the food. Thank you for our family." etc. Then he ended with, "and thank you, thank you, thank you that we are getting a new baby sister".
So sweet! He is so excited and asks all the time if it is Christmas yet.

Just *sigh*

Today is a *sigh* kind of day.
I'm down. I keep saying it's for no good reason, but I just feel blah.
We had a church board meeting last night, and I really don't like the way things went. In fact, there have been a few things that I'm just not really happy with right now.
A wise lady told me last night that there is no perfect church, so we just have to be happy with what we have.
I know this is true. But...*sigh*.
Matt tells me all the time, 'one more year" We leave in one year and then we can just have a fresh start.
My goal is to not be involved heavily in a new church. It is highly over rated being this involved, let me tell ya.
I don't know why I'm even writing any of this. I just feel so down and dumpy today and wish the feeling would go away so I can get on with my happy little life!
In due time, I suppose.

Things learned today

I was reminded today that babies who co-sleep and breastfeed need very few other necessities. I was registering at Target (they give you a $20 gift card to register with them right now..cool!) and realized there just isn't much we need. Which is fine by me..that means more money for fun stuff!
I also decided to tackle washing Emily's carseat. We have one of these.

Do you see all those parts?? When I first bought it, I read reviews about how hard it is to take apart to wash. I believed them, and have always dreaded taking it apart. But tonight I decided to try it. And taking it apart wasn't that hard. Boy was it gross though. Carseats should not go two years without being cleaned. Hopefully, I can get it back together, since taking it apart is only half the challenge!
And finally, I learned that pregnant women, should not wear low cut shirts with no bra. They need to take care of their girls! But more importantly, I don't want to see your saggy boobies!
Oh the valuable things we learn every day!

Week in Review

So the first week of school started out great. With a holiday!
No, just kidding, it was great starting on Tuesday.
But boy, by Friday, we were back in the swing of things and the trials that come with that.
It is amazing to me how much Collin is like Dillon when it comes to school. This isn't a good thing, in case you were wondering.
But Zachy, boy, he just whips right along willing to do everything.
We did lots of baking this week, and quite honestly, I'm exhausted now.
Emily is awfully cute and just sits with us at the table doing her own thing.
Next week I have an OB appointment, I think on Friday, so we will have to be sure get everything done before it.
Wish us luck.

A little bit of this and that

This has been a great week.
The weather has been a bit cooler (OK the 80s, but that's cool for here), and we are finally being blessed with rain. Oh, sweet glorious rain. I love the rain.
I love fall. So much. And if I keep the doors closed, I can pretend that it is fall. But then, I open the doors, and it's hot, and I am reminded once again that things are going to get green instead of orange and red. And that there won't be any snow this winter. It will just be like every other day. So disappointing.
I need to buy some mums, but I haven't seen any in the stores yet. That makes me feel a bit more fallish.
Oh well. Time is flying. Before I know it, I will have a sweet little newborn to snuggle with. And it's a good thing too, since Emily has suddenly decided she is a total daddy's girl. When he's around I'm worthless. Unless, of course, we happen to be at church or somewhere I want to be alone at, then I'm all that will do. Figures. It's alright though, because she is growing up so quickly, and soon she'll want nothing to do with either of us. She has turned into this sweet, silly, HAPPY girl. Given her babyhood, this is shocking to us, almost every single day. I was just telling Matt the other day that I often look at my kids and thank God that we didn't stop after just two. We would be missing out on so much! They are all such a blessing in their own little ways.
OK, the banana bread is baking, the big kids are running lines, and the little three are playing outside. I'm going to kick my feet up for a bit and just relax.

Fat Tummy

Zachy was sitting with me, patting my tummy.
He said, "why do mommies' tummies get fat when a baby is in there?"
I told him because they were growing babies, and asked where else they would grow if not in their mommy's tummy.
He replied, "in the house!" while looking at me like I must not be very smart.

Collin was talking to Emmy when I heard him singing. He was singing "Soon and very Soon" Only instead of "soon and very soon, we are going to see the King" he was singing, "soon and very soon, we are going to have a baby sister". So cute.

Random Dozen

1. What is something that you have changed your mind about either recently or over a number of years?
Oh golly, just one thing? Birth control. Circumcision. What duties I want in the church. Oh the list could go on and on....

2. Choose either subject, but does your a) church b) job feel more like a dental chair experience or an easy chair (recliner) experience?
Honestly, my church life is starting to feel more dental chairish..see number one..too many responsibilities. But it is probably somewhere in the middle.

3. Kisses or hugs?
Depends on whose giving them. I'm quite fond of both from my family. Especially, slobbery Emily kisses!

4. What do you think is the biggest threat to families today?
I think that the biggest threat comes from both parents working full time. The kids are put in school, then to a million extra curricular activities. I have no idea how a family can bond and stay together in that kind of situation. Do they even know each other?

5. A day after you grocery shop, you open a perishable item that is horribly spoiled. Do you take your receipt back to the store to be reimbursed or just throw it away and forget about it?
Just throw it away and forget about it. It would be too much of a pain to take it back. I'm lazy like that.

6. What personality trait (feel free to address good or bad or both) do you notice yourself adopting from your parents?
The Betty Crocker trait. I don't do much other domestically, but I do love to bake for my family.

7. How many slices of bread do you leave in the bottom of the bag when you throw it away? Two? Three? Just the heel? None? (I really want to know if you eat the heel.)
The heels get tossed out. And if there happens to be one piece in with them, it gets tossed too. Can't make a sandwich with just one piece of bread!

8. What mispronunciation or usage error really irritates you?
Pronouncing Oregon as Ore-GONE...not Ore-GUN.

9. In honor of the uniqueness of today's date, what does the numeral 9 mean to you? (Any special life moments attached to the 9th? Are you the 9th kid in your family? Can you count by 9s really fast? etc.)
The number 9 really doesn't mean anything to me. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

10. Does the general color palette in your closet match the colors you chose to decorate your home with?
No, I have much more color in my closet. More blues and greens.

11. When you're hanging out with friends in the kitchen, do you automatically ask to help, or do you sit there and chat until the host asks if you'd like to help? I'm not implying that the 2nd choice stems from rudeness or laziness, just not a first-response like it is for some people.
Depends on whose house I'm at. I normally ask to help.

12. Let's end on a pleasant note: What do you enjoy about September the most?

Well it used to signify fall, my favorite season. But in southern Texas, there really isn't a fall. However, I do have 3 birthdays in August and one in October..so let's face it, I enjoy the extra money! HAHA

Dusting off the cobwebs

Once again, I've fallen off the blogging bandwagon. I don't know how I've managed to keep up a blog for almost ten years now..it's mind boggling to me.
So much has happened since the last time we spoke.
The big one is that Matthew had surgery. Surgery number ten, in case you're keeping count. The morning of surgery, I got a little teary eyed and asked Matt how this became our life. His answer, "because we are blessed". We'll blame my moment of weakness on hormones.
You can blame almost anything on pregnancy hormones, I've found.
So the surgery was kind of hard to explain, and I don't really feel like it, SO, I'll just tell you that is was a laser surgery that reduced the amount of fluid being produced in his eye. Thus, reducing the amount of pressure. His pressure was insanely low the day after surgery, but since then he has complained of pressure pain, and well, I'm not so hopeful anymore. He goes tomorrow for another follow up. We were told, however, that his pressure would spike for a month, and then go down, so maybe it's just spiking. We'll see.
Let me take this moment to tell you one of my pet peeves. I hate it when people (particularly those with a bit of medical knowledge) feel the need to tell me what we need to do for Matthew. Or how things could be improved. Or how there must be some way to get his vision back. You don't know the first thing about Matthew's eye. The doctors don't know much about Matthew's eye. You haven't been following him for the last 13 years and you don't know what's best for him. We, as his parents, are confident in his care, even if it doesn't seem to produce the ideal results. I am not dumb, nor is Matt. And my own dad is an ophthalmologist, so all of this is much more familiar to me than it would be your average Jane!
OK, stepping off my soap box now.
In other news, the boys all got parts in the play they are doing this year. Excalibur! It isn't your typical play though, so it would do me no good to tell you what parts they got because you wouldn't know who they were. Matthew got a pretty large role though, and I worry about him being dedicated enough to memorize his lines. I'm sure he'll be fine though. Dillon got a smaller role.
Collin and Zachary will be a tree and then knights who fight in the tournament. They are thrilled to not have to speak and to be able to sword fight. All's well.
Today, we started school. It went really well, and as usual, I'm thinking this will be the best year ever. This afternoon though, I'm exhausted. Oh well, this too shall pass.
Let's see, what else? Nothing that I can think of. And this is long anyway. Until the next time.

That was fun

I got a coupon in the mail today from Babies R Us.
If I registered with them, I got a $10 gift card.
How could I pass that up?
Now, I fully realize that registering for your sixth baby is quite silly, but it was $10!
So I went. By myself, because Matt's back is really giving him problems.
Oh my. It was so fun. I have most of the essentials so I just went with my little scanner scanning all the fun stuff.
If someone were to look at my registry they would be thinking, "doesn't this girl know about practical items??"
Ok, that's not totally accurate, I did scan some practical stuff!
It's funny to register for a sixth baby, but also, however they set it up, the registry says I want 2 of everything. So I'm extra, extra greedy! Hehe.
For registering, I got a little bag of goodies. One goodie was three teeny tiny diapers. There is nothing that says, "I'm going to have a tiny baby" like seeing the tiny diapers. So cute!!
We also pulled out the infant car seat today to see if it was alive. It's been in the shed for two years now (Em was only in it for a few months because of her reflux, she went into a more upright convertible seat), and there was no telling how it would fare.
But alas, it was fine. Hooray for that!
Anyway, fun baby day today.

Big day yesterday

Yesterday was quite the day.
First of all, Matt got Lasik done. He had a hard time of it. The doctor said he has bigger than normal pupils. He had a really hard time with the brightness afterwards, even with sunglasses, but that seems to be getting better today. Poor thing woke up with a bad back today so he is in more pain in his back than his eyes.
Good news is, he is 20/20 in one eye and 20/15 in the other. Once the brightness issue goes away this will be well worth it for him.
I'm happy for him because he really hated wearing contacts or glasses.
Then in the afternoon, I had an appointment with the perinatalogist.
The tech came in and did the ultra sound and it was awful. The picture wasn't clear at all. I did find out that I have an anterior placenta, which means the placenta is in between the baby and my belly button, as opposed to being between the baby and my spine. It has caused fewer movements to be felt. It's good to know, because honestly, it freaked me out.
The tech wasn't able to get a good look at the baby's face and the baby's legs were crossed again.
I was so upset and was nearly in tears. I told Matt that the ultra sounds were pointless at this point because we couldn't tell much about the heart, or the face, or even the gender.
Now, logically, I know that the reason they even do these ultra sounds is to check for blood flow. To make sure no blood clots are forming in the umbilical cord. But in my head, all I could think about was a fuzzy ultra sound and no news.
The doctor came in and I told her what I had been saying.
She was so kind.
She was able to get much clearer shots. She looked at the baby's face and all looks well there. She was also able to look closely at the heart. She saw two pulmonary veins that look to be draining in the right spot. She'll do a fetal echo at 28 weeks to look further, but as of right now, the heart looks good.
I really have no idea why I think we would repeat a defect, because we always just seem to get new different defects, never repeats. Still, I feel the need to know.
Then she was able to get the baby to move it's legs. She told us she was 90% certain we are having another girl. It was so funny because I asked Matt if that was a good enough percentage and he said, "it is for me!" This cracks me up because last time he would not believe that Emily was a girl.
It was so cute, all night he kept rubbing my belly saying, "we're having another little girl" We are both on cloud nine. We would have been just has happy with a boy, but think it will be so nice for Emmie to have a sister.
We wanted to do something special to tell the kids, so when we got home we baked a strawberry cake. We then frosted it white. They were so excited to see if the cake would be blue or pink. Everyone guessed right except Collin who really wanted a brother. They were so excited to cut the cake!
So good news all around yesterday! I could use more days like yesterday!

Random Acts of Kindness

~~The post that started out with one thought and then got rambly. I should have done a bullet post. Oh well.~~~

On Sabbath, the kids were watching Veggie Tales. There is always a family fun feature on the DVDs so the kids were watching that. They decided that we must do what they were seeing.
We put all our names in a hat, then each person drew a name. For a week, we have to secretly perform random acts of kindness for our person.
I was thrilled that it was the kids who wanted to do this! It has been fun and there have been lots of beds made and rooms cleaned in secret.
Sadly, it is kind of hard to think of what kind of other things one could do without giving themselves away. But it's been really cool to watch the kids.
Totally unrelated, we've taken a big step and turned off the TV. I don't know for how long, but for now, it's off.
We are starting school after Labor Day so I'm trying to get organized for that. Speaking of that, I really should run to the homeschool store and see if the books I need are back in stock.
Tomorrow is another ultra sound. I was doing fine and not even really thinking about it because of OshKosh, but now it feels like tomorrow will never get here. I really want to know who's baking in there!
Also, tomorrow Matt is having surgery on his eyes to correct his vision. Keep him in your prayers please!

Thirteen years ago

Thirteen very short years ago, my title went from being daughter, sister, wife, to the best title in the world. Mother.
I know it is cliche, but it feels like just yesterday that I was pregnant. Well, yesterday (and today) I was pregnant, but I mean heavily pregnant with my first child.
I had no idea what to expect. We were so naive. God sure had other plans for us! We wouldn't get to just play dress up with our new baby, the way most young parents expect to. No, our road would be much more difficult.
And it would change us. All for the better. Through the years, there has been much heartache. Many talks (one sided arguments) with God. Many, many tears.
But the joy that we have had through the years takes those times and fades them into distant memories.
Matthew is such an amazing person. He continues to be artistic and would prefer to draw than to read. He doesn't really like school, but what kid does? He loves the theater and would be in a play all the time if the opportunity presented itself. Just last week, he and his brothers started the audition process for Excalibur. Soon, we should know their parts. It doesn't really matter to Matthew, though, he just wants to be on stage. I wonder where he gets that??
He starts eighth grade this year, which baffles me. How did we already get here? The other day, Emily was doing her little hand in the air saying, "boo boo" (blue's clues) and it took me back to eleven years ago, when Matthew did the exact same thing. It's amazing how much she sounds like he did.
I could go on and on about him, but I think I'll close. I told him that the reason I'm pregnant right now is because when they turn thirteen, we trade them in for newer models. He doesn't seem to believe me..claiming I love him too much to get rid of him. When did he get so smart??
I love you Matthew!

I'm still alive

*sigh* I have no idea why I don't have it in me to post lately.
Well, I do, but I choose to ignore it.
I've just felt down lately, and really not like talking. Honestly, I don't feel like doing anything. If I could be a recluse, I would.
All is well though, in this household.
Except for the fact that I can't seem to keep the housework under control. A friend cleaned my house so well while we were at OshKosh and I look at it today, and it's a wreck. Matthew says we need to hire her, but alas, she has 4 kids of her own to take care of. Plus, I couldn't pay someone enough to take care of this house. I just really don't know how to get a handle on it. Why does it never seem to stay clean???
Anyway, OshKosh was great. The kids all had fun, and so did we. I have pics to share, but you see how well I updated about Disney..OshKosh could be the same.
This is a big week. Matthew's birthday is Monday. I'm having a had time accepting that my first baby is 13. How did that happen? How am I old enough to have a teenager??
On Wednesday, Matt is having surgery on his eyes. It isn't Lasik, and I'm not sure what it is. It will have the same result though..no more glasses. Hooray for Matt! Also on Wednesday, I have an appointment with the peri. Maybe this time the baby will decide to show us the goods. For some reason, I'm not too hopeful. Could be the pessimism I seem to be experiencing right now. I keep telling myself it would be ok to not know, but I sure do want to buy something, and I just can't bring myself to buy a gender neutral onesie. I need to go through baby clothes, but honestly, I have no idea where they are. And all I have is girl clothes, so if this babe is a boy, it would be a waste of time searching for it all. Maybe I need to buy a tiny pack of diapers. I just feel the need to buy something. We've bought nothing this go around. I just have a few big ticket items I need. However, like I said, I have no boy stuff left so if this baby is Tarzan, I have to buy a bunch.
OK, now I'm rambling. I can't stop yawning and I just slept for a couple hours.
Maybe I'm just totally exhausted and if I got more sleep I wouldn't be nearly as down. Who knows.

What we've been up to

I'm awfully sorry I have let my little blog be vacant for so long. I have just been wiped out lately, and haven't had the oomph to update.
So what have we been doing lately?
We are working on potty training. Emily does really well. She just hasn't gotten to the point of telling us she needs to poop, so unless we catch her, it's not nice. Someday, she'll tell us...I hope!
Today, Collin and Zachy went to the dentist. Collin had a tooth wiggled out. He was so scared, but did really, really well. Once he got his happy gas he was good to go.
Zachy had some fillings and sealants, and also did well.
Tarzan is doing well and growing quickly. I had an appointment on Tuesday where we were going to find out the gender. However, someone decided to show us very cute feet that were crossed tightly right in the right place. Oh well. We go back next month, and all that really matters is that everything looks good right now.
In our free time, we are focusing on getting ready to go to OshKosh. We leave in a week and a half. It will be nice to be there and then back home again. It's been an awful lot of planning and I'll be glad to have it done. I am looking forward to it though.
We are also coming up on the big birthday season for us. Zachy's birthday is the 5th and Collin's is on the 10th. We'll be taking them to chuck E cheese before we leave.
And then there is the normal planning for the upcoming school year. That always takes time.
But other than that, life goes on as usual.
I'll try to post something more exciting in another post. Maybe put some pictures up.

Update

Edited to add: my sister told me this sounds like they will be removing his eye in September. No, they will be doing a surgery to help him be comfortable. The doc talked with him about removing his eye because, at some point, that is what will happen.

Today, Matthew had a follow up appointment with the glaucoma doc.
After adding another drop, his pressure was actually higher today than last week.
The doc said it was time to start making some hard decisions. The cornea doc decided it was too soon to say his cornea is failing. But they both agreed that it definitely will. And when it does, it will be painful.
But for now, we have decided to move forward with a laser surgery. It is a procedure that will cause his eye to stop making so much fluid. This will, hopefully, reduce the pressure.
The goal is to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible.
The doctor talked him through the procedure to remove an eye, which made Matthew feel much better.
So, surgery is tentatively scheduled for the first week of September. I do hope it helps him be comfortable!

I'm angry

I am struggling to write this post.
The last thing I ever want to do is cause someone to struggle in their walk because of something I do or say. Please know that these are my own feelings and I do not want anyone else to feel them on account of me. Keep walking strong!
As for me...I'm angry. God and I are having a disagreement right now. And it's OK. He knows I get angry, and He loves me anyway.
Yesterday, Matthew had an eye appointment. If you are new to this blog, Matthew is 12 years old and has glaucoma in his right eye. The goal for the last several years has been to keep the pressure under control in an effort to 1)preserve the tiny amount of vision in that eye (he can see shadows only, which helps him to avoid running into things) and 2)keep him out of pain.
He has been on several different medications over the years. They start out great, but over time, stop working.
We knew we were getting to the end, we just weren't really ready for it.
His drop is no longer working. And now his cornea is swelling. The question is, is it swelling because of the pressure, or because it is failing? No one really knows.
The doctor mentioned a couple different surgeries that would probably destroy any vision, but may reduce the pressure, and possibly the swelling. It would basically be to ease any pain.
The doctor didn't seem to really think that surgery was worth doing because of the loss of vision.
So, if the pressure continues uncontrolled, it will hurt, and the cornea swelling will hurt.
Eventually, he will most likely lose his eye.
Matthew is growing up, and we've talked with him about what he wants. How much more does he want to be put through?
He has decided that he doesn't want to be in pain, and he doesn't want to lose his eye. He wants to do any surgeries, even if they fail, to try and avoid those two scenarios.
The doctor added another drop, I'm not sure why, and we go back on Monday to see how it's working. I think if it helps, it's just a matter of time before it stops, and the doctor said the same thing.
I feel like the last 13 years have been for nothing. All that he has been through, will he end up losing the eye anyway?? Why have we been put through this trial? For nothing.
OK. OK. I know there must be some reason. I just cannot understand how putting a child through so much for nothing, can possibly be God's will. But then, I'm not God, and I don't see the whole picture.
I know some of you are sitting there thinking, 'what's the big deal, it's just an eye, there are much worse things'. Believe me, I know first hand that there are much worse things, but he's my baby..and well, I'm pregnant so everything seems worse.
I think I'm not so upset by this latest appointment, but I feel like we've lost the battle we've fought for so long. The rotten eye won! We'll show it in the end though, when it's removed, never to torment us again!! HA!
I have always said I would gladly give both my eyes, to fix his one eye. I still mean it. What I wouldn't do to take this all away from him. *sigh*
If only it were that easy.
Let me just say though, that Matthew is the most amazing kid. He takes it all, and doesn't let it get him down. It's gotta be hard, but you'd never know it by looking at him. I'm so proud to be his mom.

Maybe we are just too overprotective

So Matthew has swimmer's ear. I had to take him to the doctor to get some drops. I don't know if they do this at all military bases, but here they divide clinics up between pediatric and adolescent. At his last physical, we were told we could keep our same doctor or he could go up to the adolescent clinic. We had decided we would keep the same doctor.
When I called to make his appointment, they had one available, and only one, in the adolescent clinic.
Dillon had a Bible study to go to, so I had Matthew and the younger 3.
They called Matthew back for his vitals and I was in shock.
The huge bulletin board was covered with nothing but info on STDs. And condoms! Yes, condoms in packages hanging on the board. Even a cartoon of cookie monster holding a condom that said, "C is for condom".
There were statistics about if you have X amount of partners, then you are having sex with all these other people. I was really horrified.
How do they get to decide that it is ok to expose my kids to all that. I watched my kids closely and none of them paid attention to the board, but had Dillon been there, it would have been a different story.
There was a very disturbing picture of a guy with herpes all over his mouth. I can imagine Dillon would have been asking me about it.
When it was time to see the doctor, the bulletin board was covered with what to do if you are raped. And on the counter, instead of cotton swabs and tongue depressors was a huge box of condoms...and a diaphragm. OK, if the point is to prevent STDs, why the diaphragm? Matt says because they consider kids an STD.
Anyway, I was really, realy upset. WE should decide when our kids learn about sex and STDs, NOT the government.
I know it is much worse in schools and it reinforced our decision to homeschool.
And you know, it isn't just adolescents going to the clinic. It is younger siblings going with them. Who are they to expose that to my kids??
The doctor also told Matthew that from now on, they would be meeting with him alone in case he had any questions about anything regarding growing up. I don't know about that either. Matthew said there is no way he's talking to a complete stranger about anything personal!
Maybe we are just way too overprotective, I don't know. I just know that we are not comfortable with him going to the adolescent clinic again. Not yet, anyway.