Great Wolf Lodge

Since we have three birthdays in August, we decided to take a trip to Dallas to the Great Wolf Lodge. We figured this would be cheaper than taking them each to do something special on their birthdays.
It was really nice, because we just had nice quiet evenings for their birthdays, with just our family.
We headed up to the Lodge early Sunday morning. We arrived at 10:30 and got all checked in. Then we hit the water park.
We had bought disposable underwater cameras, and all the pictures inside didn't turn out. Thankfully, there's a part of the park that is outside, so we got a few pics outside.
We had such a great time. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. The kids got along great and it was just wonderful, the whole time.

Our Homeschooling Story

It seems like I've been asked about homeschooling quite a bit, lately. So, I decided to write an entry about why we homeschool, how we homeschool, and what we use.
I'll be the first to admit that I am a paranoid mom. No one is going to hurt my babies. When Matthew was getting to be school age, the school shootings were at an all time high. Either that, or we were just hearing about it on the news a lot more.
Growing up, I went to a great school. The country school that was "safe". I'll never forget seeing the brother of one of my classmates on the Sally Jesse Rafael show. He had been expelled because he had a hit list of who he was going to kill in the school. Around the same time, there was another shooting in a small town a couple hours away, another "safe" school.
If all this was happening at these schools, how could any school be safe for my kids??
Along with all of my fears, was the fact that Matthew was born with some facial differences. We learned very quickly that kids were cruel, very cruel. We also knew that Matthew would be facing surgeries during his early years of school. We couldn't figure out how he would manage to stay caught up in school with all the doctor's appointments we would be dealing with.
And finally, there was the fact that I really enjoy my kids. I couldn't fathom sending them to school for eight hours a day. I couldn't figure out how we could have a meaningful relationship if we only saw them a couple hours a day.
The idea of homeschooling appealed more and more to us, and we decided to give it a go. My kids have never been in public school, we've homeschooled from the word Go.
Over the years, our reasons for keeping them home have definitely changed. Yes, we still deal with the doctor's appointments, we still like being with our kids, and we still worry about their safety, but now it has become so much more.
We started learning about schools and how they teach for the tests. The higher the test scores, the more money they get. The schools have also started dictating what an acceptable absence is. When I was a kid, we could go on vacation, and my parents saying that we were with them, was enough to excuse the absence. Now, if you go on vacation, you get zeros for the time missed. When did the schools take the right to determine what is OK for their kids away from the parents?
There is also the fact that some of my kids have struggled a bit. I have been able to help them through, but worry if they had been in school they would have been left behind. Now, I don't know that for sure, but it seems like something that could easily happen.
Most importantly for us, is that we control what our children learn. Yes, my kids know about evolution, but we haven't taught it as truth. We believe in creation, and so those are the beliefs we've instilled in our kids. We like being able to pray whenever we want. On many occasions, we say a prayer before a test, or if things are getting difficult. We are allowed to talk about God whenever we want.
We have never said we will homeschool forever, we've always said we will homeschool for as long as it works for us. It still works for us, so we are still homeschooling.
As for what we do, I'm schooling four different levels right now. Matthew and Dillon are old enough that they are quite independent. Don't get me wrong, I help them whenever they need it, but for example, I don't have to sit and walk them through every math problem. They have instruction and then can pretty much go on their own.
I am using the workbox system for Collin and Zachary. I started it last year, towards the end of the year, and it seems to be what they need. Collin is one of my kids that struggles. Last year, and probably this year, I sit Zachy and Emily down with an activity (lacing beads in a pattern, or playing Jr boggle, etc) and I work with Collin. Then I switch. Collin plays with the girls and I work with Zachy. We switch back and forth until they are done with their school.
How we choose our curriculum could be it's own post, but I'm lazy so I'll pop a bit in here. In short, it has been years of trial and error.
We have stuck with Math U See our math, but everything else changes yearly. I keep coming back to Alpha Omega Lifepacs, though. Also,. Apologia Science is our science curriculum of choice. This year, we are using Switched on Schoolhouse for the older two boys. Not for all subjects, but some. We'll see how they like it. I'm not sure that Matthew is going to dig doing his schoolwork on the computer, but we'll give it a whirl. We are also using Horizons this year for Zachy. Emily is only 3, but I'll be working on letters and crafty goodness with her.
Is it easy? Nope. Am I organized? Not really. In fact, in most things, I'm quite lazy and I never follow through. This is how I know that God wants us to do this. We pray about it all the time. I couldn't do it without being able to go to God on a daily basis and lean on Him.
I hope this answered some questions. I want to add that I know there are wonderful schools out there, and since my kids have never been to public school the things I said are all things that I've heard from other parents. I don't mean to knock the public school system at all, it just isn't for us.

Seven Years Ago

~This ended up being far lengthier than I intended. I understand if you don't read it all. I needed to write this out, for me.


Today is the seventh anniversary of Zachy's heart being fixed.
It was on this day, seven years ago, that we were thrust into the world of open heart surgery.
I remember most of that day, as if it were yesterday. A few things are hazy, but for the most part, it's etched in my mind.
I've never written about this, and decided it was time. Some images may be disturbing to some people, but he's my baby, and he is beautiful.

August 5, 2003, I was induced. Our fourth baby was coming. Our fourth boy. What a joyous occasion! Labor was fast and very painful. I had decided to go with no epidural, and he was sunny side up. When it came time to push, it hurt so bad, I couldn't stop pushing. He was born in four short minutes, and his face would later show the evidence of this. I was told that he didn't actually come face up, but that he came face first, so his nose came out first..no molding of his head, no wonder it hurt so bad.
When he was born, they plopped him on my belly. He was lifeless. I couldn't look at him. All I could do was ask, over and over, "what's wrong with my baby?" The midwife insisted that he was fine, perfect even. After what felt like an eternity (in reality, it was one minute) he let out a cry. A puny, little cry. They whisked him off to be cleaned up and weighed.
We were then allowed to hold him, and the kids and grandparents came in to meet the newest edition to the family.
What I saw, and what others saw, were drastically different. I saw a perfect beautiful baby. The first words out of my mom's mouth were, "he's black". I was so irritated by that comment. Little did I know that my step dad had turned around and left the room. Unbeknownst to me, an argument between him and the nurses was taking place in the hallway outside. He was insisting that they call the doctor, now. They were telling him they knew how to do their jobs and that he was fine, no need for the pediatrician to come. They told him she would be there when she did her rounds. He wouldn't stand for it. After much insistence, they finally called the pediatrician.
When she got there, they took him away, assuring us that they would bring him right back, after they examined him and bathed him.
The next thing we knew, the doctor was talking to us, telling us that his oxygen levels were low and he was on oxygen. They told us he was probably just born too fast and his lungs were still wet. They'd wean him off the oxygen over time.
This was not to be, and before we knew it, we were being blown a terrible blow.
Our baby had a heart defect, and would be transferring to a different hospital.
I was in such shock and so naive, that I asked them how we would get him to the hospital an hour away in our car, with oxygen. They informed me that the helicopter was on it's way. That's when it hit me that this was serious. Much more serious than I wanted to admit.
This all took place August 7. By the time we got to the other hospital, they had him settled in his room in the PICU, and we were greeted by many doctors. They took us in a room to explain to us that Zachary's pulmonary veins hadn't connected right, and that the only option was open heart surgery. They told us that TAPVR occurs in 1 in 15,000 babies. They also told us that he had a 95% chance of survival.
Most people would be thrilled with those odds, but we had just hit something that had a .0015% chance of happening..so 5% seemed huge.
That night, they wanted to put a line in his belly button. They told us it would take about a half an hour. Three hours went by, and when we saw him again, he was intubated. We weren't expecting to see him on a vent. That was hard. Really, really hard.
August 8 came. Surgery day. I will never forget riding in the elevator with him, and kissing him goodbye in the hallway. What a horrible thing. I was trying not to break down and cry, but all I could think about was that this could be the last time I saw my baby alive.
The surgery was to take six hours.
I remember the waiting room so clearly. I remember it being filled with people. My mom and step dad were there, and Matt's parents. Some people from some one's church came to sit. I have no idea who they were, and kept thinking I didn't have it in me to be sociable with people I didn't know. I purposely kept my distance from them. They could pray with my in laws, but I needed them to leave me alone.
Being in the waiting room, was somewhat like being in a fish tank...everything around me was hazy. All the sounds were muffled. And yet, it was all so clear.
At some point, my step dad asked me what I was scared about. I said I was afraid of him dying. He informed me that if he did, we would get through, and to not be scared. I didn't believe him and thought it was a horrible thing to say. I know now, he was just trying to help.
There was a time that I went to the PICU to pump. I rode in the elevator, carrying my "personal belongings" bag that held my pump pieces. There was a lady on the elevator who looked at me excitedly and said, "are you here for the reason I think you're here???" I don't know how I didn't cry. I just quietly told her no. When I got to the PICU the cardiologist expressed his concern about me. He told me I had to sleep, I had to take care of me, or I would end up being readmitted to the hospital. I hadn't left Zachy's side. People wanted me to leave the hospital, but home was 2 hours away. They talked about the Ronald McDonald House. I insisted I had to stay at the hospital to be able to pump. My mind was so set on him not getting formula, only breast milk, when the time came. It was the only thing I felt like I could control. The hospital ended up giving us a cot, and I slept on the cot in the family waiting room in the PICU, and Matt slept on the couch. Some nights, he went home, but I never left. As a side note, I wasn't able to do this with Natalie, and going home without a baby every night was so incredibly difficult.
When I returned from pumping, an elderly lady met me in the hall. She asked me if I had a baby having heart surgery. I told her yes, and she proceeded to tell me that her husband was supposed to have had the first surgery of the morning, but he was pushed back for a very sick little baby. She told us she was thinking of us, and wished us the best.
Somehow, everyone in the waiting room must have known we had a baby in surgery. They all stared, often.
After only four and a half hours, the cardiologist came into the waiting room. A hush fell on the room. You could almost see everyone leaning towards us as the cardiologist spoke to us.
Zachy was out of surgery. And he was doing great.
We were finally reunited with our baby. Mother's eyes are amazing, because when we saw him, I never focused on all the tubes coming out of him. I saw past it all, to my precious baby. People always commented on how many IVs and wires and tubes he had, but I just didn't see it.
The one thing I have no recollection of from that day, is where my other kids were. I'm thinking maybe with Matt's grandparents. I have pictures of my mom holding Collin over Zachy, saying goodbye. At some point, they were there. Did they stay the whole time? I really don't think so. But in all honesty, I don't know. Neither does Matt.
The following days would be a blur. I never left, for fear that something would go wrong, and I wouldn't be there. Matt had to go to work, we were so poor at the time, there was no paid time off. I would miss him fiercely on those days.
One week later, we got to bring our baby home. He had no complications while in the hospital.
He not only survived, but thrived.
By the time he was four, he had developed sick sinus syndrome, and would need a pacemaker. His future holds surgeries for the rest of his life. But that's a different story, for another time.
We know what we have. We know what a gift we were given, and how precious life is. There is not a single day that the thought doesn't go through my head of what could have so easily been. I thank God every day for blessing us with this amazing boy, and all our kids for that matter. We truly are blessed.

Please excuse the quality of the phots, they are either scans of pictures, or pictures of pictures. No digital camera back then!



Being weighed, after birth. Notice, no crying. He really never cried very much.

This was right after he was born..well after they got him to cry.


His poor face was so swollen from being delivered so quickly. He couldn't even open his eyes, and his face was completely purple from the bruising.


Getting ready to go for a ride in the helicopter.


This is what we were greeted with after they told us they wanted to put a line in his belly button. He ended up intubated.


The morning of surgery. In all of these pictures, we are smiling. I think we were at a place of trying so hard not to break down, so we laughed instead.


Right after surgery. I was certain he would end up bald, because for days all I could touch was his head. I would just sit and rub his head, I will never forget the feel of that baby fuzz.


Another pic from right after surgery.


On his birthday...surviving..and THRIVING!! Love you, Zachy!

God's Plans are Always Best

When I was a little girl, I used to say I wanted to be a "baby doctor" or a "nurse for babies".
It made sense, after all, I came from a family of nurses, and my dad is a doctor.
When my dad would do rounds on the weekend, I would beg to go. He would take me, and drop me off at the floor with the nursery. I'm not sure what floor it was, but it didn't matter, it was the baby floor.
He would do rounds, and I would stand at the window, watching the babies, and the nurses. Longing to be in there with the tiny little babies.
I had nineteen cabbage patch dolls, and they were each my babies. I remember going to Anaheim, and I insisted that we go to the cabbage patch hospital. I expected to see little bassinets, just like the nursery at the hospital. I didn't see that, and was secretly a bit disappointed that it was just a store.
As I grew, I started to get lazy. And I realized that to be a doctor or nurse required a lot of school. This didn't appeal to me, so I changed my thinking, sure I would be a teacher.
Well, as we all know, that didn't happen either. I got married at the ripe age of eighteen, and only went to a small amount of college.
I figured I had to help bring in some money, so I went to cosmetology school. Pretty funny, huh? What else could have such short schooling that would produce a career?
While I was in school, I found myself pregnant, with Matthew. The school insisted I have a waiver signed by my doctor, saying I could be around all the chemicals. My doctor refused to sign it. Stating that we don't know what affects all those chemicals could have on a baby.
I quit school, with the intention to go back and finish after Matthew was born.
That never happened. Instead, I became a stay at home mom.
Fast forward fourteen years, to today.
I have been a part of the CHD world for nearly seven years now. I have seen heartache. I have seen baby after baby pass away. On facebook, almost daily, there is an announcement of another sweet baby who has lost his or her fight with CHD.
My heart hurts for these parents. I cannot imagine the pain they endure.
And then I realize, that if I were a nurse or a doctor, I would be intimately involved with these parents. If it hurts me so badly when I don't even know the parents personally, I can't fathom how it would be to be involved in their care.
And yet, the best nurses I know have been personally affected by a sick baby, or even a baby who has passed. I just don't know how they do it. I've heard it said that they grow a thick skin. But I know it has to affect them.
I will never forget, when Natalie was in the NICU. The buzz around the unit was that they were getting a twenty-something week baby. The nurses were all preparing. At some point, Matt and I headed out for a break. We passed the neonatalogist and nurses in the hall. The isolette they were pushing, was empty. The looks on their faces was somber. Now, we never did ask, because we wouldn't have been told anyway, but we assume the baby didn't make it.
How do you deal with that day after day?
I couldn't.
Today, I've been teary-eyed thinking of all those babies. I would be a basket case if I were dealing with their care.
God had a better plan for me. Even though I had the plan for as long as I can remember. He knew it wasn't something I could handle. I am so thankful for that.

Diagnoses

The other day, I once again, felt that kick in the gut.

In the military, there is a program called the exceptional family member program, or the EFMP. The purpose of the program is to make sure that the base you are stationed at has sufficient medical facilities, or educational programs, for every member of your family.

So, for example, Zachy and Natalie are enrolled in the program. When we go to move, a red flag will go up in Matt's file saying we have special needs. The base we go to will have to be able to accommodate their needs, or we can't go to that base.

Since we are getting ready to move (PCS, permanently change stations), we have to update all their EFMP paperwork.

The paperwork requires letters from their doctor, stating what exactly, they need. Since we are PCSing, the doctor also gave us a copy of their records.

Since I always feel the need to read every report I'm ever given, I decided to read this one too.

I read through Zachy's. His diagnoses were, TAPVR, Sick Sinus Syndrome, and pacemaker present. Yep, all pretty straight forward.

I then went to Natalie's. Her diagnoses read TAPVR, and Pulmonary Vein Stenosis.
It also goes on to state that there is a chance, although slight, that she will need another surgery to correct the stenosis.

So here's where I felt the kick in the gut....we have always said, in passing, that one of her veins might be slightly narrow, but I never thought it was something that would be a diagnosis. I never really thought she would need another surgery. And, she probably won't. But the fact that it was written in her records, it just makes it that much more real.

I'm sure her nurse from the NICU, Jeremy, would be telling me she is doing everything that is expected. He was always good at telling me that. Still, even if it is to be expected, I just never expected to see it in print.

Stenosis is not something we ever dealt with with Zachy. And we know it is the main complication of TAPVR after repair. It's just not supposed to happen to us. She is supposed to have one diagnosis..not two diagnoses.

I know everything will be just fine, it was just another one of those times that took my breath right out of me.

Oh dear!

My blog background is gone!
And what's worse..I can't figure out how to delete the stupid little box that talks about photobucket.
I just plunk my codes into the HTML box, and I usually find it to delete it, then redo it. Only, now I can't find it! I've gone through everything.
This stinks. I've been thinking of changing things up..the url, title, design...maybe now is the time to do that. After all, I no longer have 5 monkeys.
*sigh* I'm so sorry it's so ugly to look at right now.
I'll keep working on things.

Things I Just Don't Understand

There are things in this life that I just don't understand. Ranging from simple things to more complex things.
And sometimes, I think I may be a little crazy. But that's OK, we're all a little crazy. Right? Somebody please tell me I'm right!



For instance...
Why does Rockin Green Laundry soap work so well? I can fill my washer up with the soap and water and it's crystal clear. I add my clothes, and I can no longer see through the water. How are our clothes so dirty? I've washed clean diapers in it, same thing. How long does it take for all the built up laundry soap to be removed? Will our clothes always cause the water to be filthy? I just don't understand.
And on the topic of laundry...I don't understand how Collin can insist on wearing the same clothes day in and day out, and yet when I wash his clothes, he has a bigger pile of clothes to be put away than anyone.

How come when Matt leaves, and tells the kids they can't come with him, it suddenly becomes my fault? Today, Matt has been cleaning out the van. He took out all the seats so he could vacuum it. When he left to vacuum it, of course no one could go with him. Emily cried her eyes out. And it was me she was mad at. As if I was the one who took all the seats out and wouldn't let her go.
I just don't understand.

I just don't understand how it can be, that doctors can go through years of medical school, learn a fraction of the workings of the human body, and still not believe in God. How can you learn all the intricate details of cells and think it all happened by chance? I do understand that they see people die, and it could cause them to wonder how a loving God could allow an innocent person to die. I get that. I don't get how they can't recognize all the miracles that happen around them, daily.

And finally, how can I be going about my day, cleaning out a cupboard, and have my world flipped upside down again? Every once in awhile, this happens. Today, I was cleaning a cupboard. It happens to be the cupboard that holds some meds. I came across a bunch of tiny medicine droppers. Droppers that were given to us when we took Natalie home from the hospital. Droppers for Lasix. And my heart dropped. All the feelings came rushing back, and for a moment, it was as if someone had sucked the breath out of me.
How can this still happen??? Why does this still affect me this way? Why is it so much harder this time than when it was Zachy? Or is it? Maybe it was like this with him, and I just got over it. I know I'll get over it this time too. I know I am so blessed. My baby is here. Alive. THRIVING. And yet, these things still hit me like a kick in the gut. Why?
I just don't understand.

I really need to stop ranting!

I know I've been a bit ranty lately, but please, allow me to rant one more time.
If you are a member of facebook, you have undoubtedly heard of the Chase Community Giving. If not, here's a rundown. Every person on FB has 20 votes they can use to vote for their favorite charities. Now, you can't use all 20 one one charity, you have to spread them out.
The top two hundred charities split a huge amount of money. I can't remember exactly how much it is, but it is enough per charity to make a difference.
So, the voting ended, and you could check out the winners.
What I saw really made me so mad.
Charity after charity related to animals. ANIMALS!!
Now, don't get me wrong, I like animals as much as the next person, but COME ON!!
You know what I didn't see?
I didn't see Saving Little Hearts, or any other CHD charity. I'm sure if any others signed up, but I know that SLH came in like 234 or something.
People...CHDs are REAL. They aren't something that is minor. They are major.
There were pediatric charities that won, which is wonderful. But CHDs will kill more children in one year than all childhood cancers combined.
Does anyone know that? Nope.
Why?
The awareness isn't out there. I cannot understand that. I'm sure it's hard for me because CHD is everywhere I look. I have many CHD friends, and it almost seems like the norm.
But here's a problem. Everyone knows about childhood cancer, it's visible. Everyone has seen the heart wrenching pictures of the child with no hair. Everyone has seen the St. Jude commercials. It's out there.
No one knows about CHD because, unless you see the children with their shirts off, you don't see it. There are no heart wrenching stories on TV. We have celebrities that do nothing, Shaun White, Brett Michaels, a Backstreet Boy, and I'm sure the list goes on. Why aren't they saying anything? They have the perfect platform to spread awareness. It makes me so upset to think about it. Because I'm just a person, I don't have the platform, but they are out there.
Then there was Boston Med. Those of us in the heart community were so excited. Finally, reality was going to be shown. And then. It wasn't. It was totally sugar coated. The baby was born with HLHS, which is serious. Many babies die from HLHS. But in the show, they just showed the baby going home like all would be fine.
And that's how many people think of CHD. That it gets fixed and everything is fine.
Only it's not.
These kids have to live with this for the rest of their lives. It is never fixed.
Yes, they can lead normal lives, sometime, but it will never be normal like a heart healthy child.
And the parents are never fine either. There is always worry in the back of our minds. When anything goes somewhat askew, we wonder. We wonder 'what if something is happening?' It never, EVER goes away.
And yet, we vote for animals. Animals.
And so, to show you the heart wrenching, I'm sharing what CHD is. The heart wrenching part of it.
It is this.

Natalie


Zachary

And it is funerals for babies or children who passed away far too young.
It isn't pretty. But it is very real.
There is hope, though. Back when Zachy was born, we were hard pressed to find anything regarding TAPVR on the Internet. Not so much, anymore. And through networking sites like Facebook, we are able to connect with so many more people, and spread the word.
CHD is real.

Zachy is so smart!

I took down my VBS montage because I wanted the music back on my blog. Also, something happened and the one that showed up here wasn't the finished product. Only, now we can't find the finished product.

Anyhow, as I was saying, Zachy is so smart.

The boys are all hungry and complaining that there is nothing to eat.
Zachy says, "you could have an apple"
Then, "you could have carrots"
"ORRR you could eat everything in the fridge!!"

He is so silly, but really if we would all think like he does, we would all be nice and skinny. Apples and carrots indeed!

I cannot comprehend this

I know I said I was going to be MIA, but something happened today, and I just had to blog about it!
Today was the day we had waited for...Emily got her cast off. Hip Hip Hooray! We came home and she promptly took a bubble bath and laid all the way down in the tub!
But that's not what I want to blog about.
When we arrived at the doctor's office we sat down in the waiting room. Where Headline News was playing.
The story that was playing was about how having kids makes parents miserable.
Let me give you a minute to pick your jaw up off the ground.
.
.
.
.
It's true. They say that studies have shown that parents aren't happy. Wanna know some of the reasons why?
One I heard was that the kids had so many activities that parents don't have time for themselves.
Also, that kids cost so much there isn't enough money left over for the parents' wants.
Do you see the common thread??
.
.
SELFISHNESS.

I'm sorry. I don't get it. Why in the world would you even have kids if you want to carry on with your own life just the way it is??!! Why would you think that they aren't going to take time???

What is this world coming to? I'm just flabbergasted by this. And what's worse, when I went to try to find the story to link here, I googled things like, "more kids less happy parents" and "parents not happy" and I got article after article after article, you understand, about parents not being happy..BECAUSE THEY HAVE KIDS.

I have to imagine that these people being interviewed are not Christians. Although, I know some are. In the churches, no one thinks twice about things like birth control. No one thinks about the fact that the Bible consistently calls women with open wombs "blessed". Or about the fact that we are called to raise children for God. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely understand that there are infertile people out there, who are living Godly lives. I don't think they are not blessed. I truly believe they are called to adopt. It takes very special people to adopt, and I believe God calls them.

Selfish. That's what these people are. And I just don't understand. We have become so wrapped up in our own wants and needs that we don't ever look to others needs. How often do we do something for someone else, if it means sacrificing something we want to do? I'll tell you...not often. And I'm not just talking about you, or your neighbor, I am talking about me too. We are all guilty of this little demon called selfishness.

Oh boy, this entry has taken a turn. I didn't mean for it to be a rant. And honestly, I'm trying to add to my readers, not lose them. I'm sure I probably lost a lot with this one entry!

I just really cannot understand how people with kids can not be happy. Who else loves you unconditionally? Who else smiles at you, even when you are not always so happy with them? Who laughs at your jokes? Who gives you a hug, just because? Who? Your children, that's who. How can that not make you happy?

Please, accept my apologies if this post offended you, that wasn't my intent.

Psalm 127:2-4 (King James Version)

2It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.

3Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

4As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.

Lyrics, Before I go MIA

Before I leave for a bit, I wanted to share the lyrics of a song that has been speaking to me.
I've kind of been having a hard time lately, and it's nothing that anyone would understand. Well, unless you happen to be a CHD parent, then you probably would.
I went looking for the video yesterday, to post on my facebook page. Imagine my surprise to find a video about the inspiration for the song. It was inspired by the artist's friend, who has a CHD baby. And this song gets it. I can't explain what it is, but it's what the song gets.
Now that I've made zero sense at all, here are the lyrics. I added it to my playlist as well, so it could be playing as you read this.

Before the Morning, Josh Wilson


Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

It's VBS time!

Yep, it's that time of year again! VBS time!
I love VBS. There is nothing better than watching kids learn about Jesus. LOVE IT!!
We are the directors again this year, so I am pretty busy.
Which is why I'm going to be disappearing for the rest of the week.
Not that I'm always so good about updating, but I'm trying to get better.
In fact, I have two separate contest/giveaway ideas in my head. The thing stopping me is what to give away.
You could help me with that. Let me know what would be a good prize and cause you to participate in a contest!
I'll be getting on the first one next week. So let me know what you want to win!

Another Almost Wordless Wednesday

Are you sick of entries that are nothing but pictures? I have other entries brewing, but I figure these are a good way to get all my pictures that I've promised for a very long time!
So here you have it. Another picture entry!

Some shots from our trip to Disney World. The picture of Emmie on the ferry is of her with my dad.

Did I happen to mention...

Emily has a broken elbow. Did you know this? Did I ever tell my dear readers this? Well, it's true. A month ago, she fell while playing with the kids at play practice. She immediately complained about her elbow. We thought she would go to sleep and wake up having forgotten about it. Instead, the next morning, she sat up, and screamed, "MY ELBOW!!" Off to the ER it was. All they could determine was that she had an effusion, and they suspected a radial head fracture. She was splinted for two weeks. After the two weeks, we headed back. They x-rayed her and said her elbow looked good, but that since she was still having pain, they decided to be conservative in their treatment. We were told two weeks in a cast, and then she would be good to go.
The two weeks was up today. We went. They took off her cast. They did x-rays. The next thing I knew, the doctor was telling us that now a fracture was definitely showing up. She is back in a cast for two more weeks.
This seems to be exactly what I've read about, regarding radial head fractures. For some reason, x-rays don't reveal them for several weeks.
I am so glad they decided to treat it as broken a month ago!
We are headed to Chuck E Cheese tonight. We had told her we could go swimming today. Poor thing.

We told her we were going swimming because last weekend my dad was in town. He started the older boys on scuba certification. So they spent the weekend in his hotel pool. The girls and I spent it at home. She so wanted to swim.

When it finally comes off..we will have to go swimming.

Did I also neglect to mention that Dillon broke his finger? It's so hard to recall what I wrote here and what I wrote on Facebook.

About a week before Emily broke her elbow, Collin fell off the couch. His knee landed on Dillon's finger. Breaking the tip of it.

Good grief, who knew a broken finger could be such an ordeal! First, the ER just gave us a splint. Said it was just cracked a bit. After two weeks, we went to the orthopaedist who said it was broken, at the growth plate. The ER didn't reset it or anything, so his finger has a permanent bend to it. Nothing major.

However, when I took Emily in today, he had a check up also. The doctor squeezed it, as usual, and he said it hurt. This far out, it shouldn't hurt. It is also pretty swollen. So, they ordered blood work to check for infection. The doc just called me and said it was all negative, so it's a skin infection. And now he has to take antibiotics for ten days.

All for a broken finger!!! Goodness gracious!

I hope we are nearing the end of this train. It feels like we've been living at the orthopaedics clinic. I'm ready to get on with summer!

(almost) Wordless Wednesday

Our stop in Lake Charles, LA., on our way to Disney World. April 2010

The End!

Oliver! ended yesterday.
I don't know if I ever talked about it here, so here's the skinny.
Tryouts for Oliver! were in March.
Dillon (11) got the role of Oliver!
Matthew (13) was a townsperson, pauper, and bow street runner.
Collin (8) and Zachy (6) were orphans and part of Fagin's gang.
And lastly, Matt (dh!) was Bill Sykes.
If you aren't familiar with the story, Bill Sykes is the villain of the show.
I am so incredibly proud of Dillon. He did awesome. He had several solos, including a song where he was on stage all alone. Not once did he seem nervous. Some of the time, I could see the adults shaking when they were singing, but not Dillon. I'm one proud mama!!
Matt was great too. He makes a really good bad guy. Which is so funny, because he is far from a bad guy. In one scene, he was supposed to hit his girlfriend. He just couldn't bring himself to hit her, so they let him grab her and push her to the ground. The first time he did it, he pushed her down, then stopped the scene and said, "are you ok???" She was such a trooper and did so great.
The other kids did great also. Matthew had a GREAT time being included as one of the adults. He really is teetering between wanting to be an adult and wanting to be a kid. He was so happy.
All things must come to an end though, and it's now time to move on to VBS.
Yesterday, was very sad for me. This is the last production we will do with these players. We will move before the next production. We have made such great friends, and I will miss them all so much.
I keep telling myself that the adventure that awaits in Ohio, will be just as great as the Texas adventure has been. And it will be. I'll just miss everyone here.
When it's all said and done though...Mine's a fine FINE LIFE!!!

~~I'm sorry to say, I don't have many photos from the show. I already posted what I have in the Worldess Wednesday post. Flash photography isn't allowed, and I was always holding a baby anyway. If I come across any, I'll try to post them.

Just Showing Off

Matt and Dillon have been doing stained glass pieces. It has been so great for them to have this hobby together.
Matt is currently working on a 4 foot by 6 foot piece for the church, with another lady.
He is also doing custom orders for people. It's pretty cool.
Here are a couple things they just finished up.
Dillon made this eye for our pastor's wife. She is starting her ophthalmology residency this year.


Matt made this for the same person. I wish the picture were better, because it is an amazing piece.

Thoughtful Thursday

Painted by Nathan Greene, this is arguably one of my favorite pictures.
I know this scene has played out several times in my own life. Well, not mine, but the lives of my children.
So many people prayed so hard for them, and I know that God heard those prayers, and He was there, guiding the surgeons hands every step of the way.
I've been thinking lately, and I have to say, I think that CHD parents are amongst the strongest people around. Only, I don't feel strong. Not at all. I know that most of them are leaning heavily on Christ. It's only by the grace of God that we have gotten through what we have.
People tell me all the time that they don't know how we do what we do. The reality is, we have no choice. These children are our precious gifts from God, and He has a plan for them. What are we to do? Deny that gift? I think not.
I am so thankful to know a kind and loving God, who wants nothing but the best for our family. He is so wise! He knows the perfect kids for us. He knows exactly what we can handle (and what we can't). Isn't it wonderful to know that there is someone out there in charge? That we aren't just walking around by chance. That whatever happens, there is a plan. It might not be our plan, but we are at peace with the knowledge that there is a plan. And His plan is far better than ours could ever be.
And just as He guides us day to day, I know He guides the surgeons hands when they are operating on our tiny little babies.
Thank you, Jesus, for all you do for us. We are so unworthy of your care, and yet, you give it without a second thought. You, my Lord, are mighty and wonderful. I cannot wait for the day when we are all together, worshipping you all day long, in Your presence.

Wordless Wednesday

Totally Random Edition

Time Flies

I keep meaning to get here and write. There's so much I want to write about. But somehow, I say I'll get to it later, and it never happens.
I think mainly because I want to post pictures. We got a new camera, and I totally rely on Matt to upload the photos for me..which means it doesn't get done.
Tonight, Oliver! opens. I am so excited for Dillon. This is his big moment. The other boys are doing great too, but it really is Dillon's thing. I'm so very very proud of him.
I will try to get back and update with those pictures later! Hopefully, time won't keep slipping away from me!

Having a Rough Time Tonight

My heart is heavy tonight.
On facebook, there have been so many posts about babies losing their battles with CHD. Or babies in the hospital dealing with surgeries and infections.
It is just killing me. The pain these families who have lost their little ones, I cannot imagine.
I feel so blessed to have my babies here with me, alive and well.
I just wish there was something I could do to make CHD go away, and the pain these families are going through.
Big heavy sigh.

code....ignore this post

Ignore this post.....
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When I look in the mirror

As I stood looking in the mirror, I paused a moment and pondered what I saw.
Surely, what you see is far different from what I see.*
When I look, I see gray hairs, slowly taking their rightful place on my head. To me, they say wisdom. They say the years are passing, and I am learning more each and every day.
You may see someone who doesn't care enough about herself to cover them up.
I see creases at my eyes. You see an aging woman. I see millions of smiles. And tears. My eyes hold all the emotion I have experienced over the years, especially since becoming a mom.
I keep scanning downward. You may see saggy breasts that need a lift. I see six perfectly plump babies that these breasts have nourished. I am proud of this accomplishment.
Oh, please, don't look any further. If you do, you may feel the desire to judge me. The large belly may say lazy, unhealthy, fat person.
I see something much different.
I see an emotional eater. I see someone who has had her share of stress, and sleepless nights, all in the name of motherhood. I try to control the bulge, but I fail. I got this way, though, from years of overeating due to emotions. Loving my children so fiercely and not being able to take away their pain through the years has taken it's toll.
Scanning up and down, I see beyond the obvious. I see a woman who would die in an instant for her family. I see a heart so full of love that it feels like it may burst. I know I am beyond blessed.
If only we could look at everyone and see the not so obvious. What a world this would be!

*I long to see these things every time I look in the mirror, sadly, I often see the obvious. I'm working on this.

Where's my Peace?

I feel so uneasy these days.
I have no idea why.
I have so much to be thankful for and to praise Him for, I just don't have peace.
Where is it? How do I get it? I just want a calm feeling.
Instead, I feel like my insides are always jumbled up. I always worry about everything. I worry about not doing a good enough job as a mom and wife, mainly. I don't know why. I just really want to be a good wife and mom, and I never feel like I do enough to be that. And then I stress out about it.
I often feel like crying. Over the silliest things. Again, I have no reason to cry, and yet, the feeling is almost overwhelming at times.
I really just want peace. *sigh*

Day of Rejoicing

Today, Zachy and Natalie both had appointments with the cardiologist. It was quite funny when they brought us back to the exam room. I only had Matthew, Zachy, and Natalie with me. We went to a tiny exam room. A nurse took us. Zachy got on the bed and she started working with his pacemaker. At the same time, another nurse was doing an EKG on Natalie. Then, two residents came in...one to ask me questions about Zachy, one about Natalie. We were all crammed into this little room, and it just made me chuckle.
So Zachy is doing great. His pacemaker battery still says it will last 5-7 years. Great news. The only downer was that the doctor said if Zachy grows like Matthew, then we'll be needing to replace the lead wires sooner than they thought. That's kind of a bummer. It was so hard to get those leads in, I hate to think of how it will go next time. But, that's several years from now...no sense thinking about it now. He goes back in six months, for his last visit before we move.
Good news for Natalie too. Her heart looks great. She does have a bit of narrowing at the repair site, but nothing to worry about. The doc thinks that it would be good in a couple years to do an MRI to see the structure of her heart better. However, he won't be her doctor in a couple of years, so we'll see what the new doc says. The most exciting thing is she has graduated to 6 month visits. She will go one more time with Zachy. So hard to believe, but oh so wonderful!

I'm BA-ACK

We got home from Disney World yesterday.
We had such a great time and it was such a bummer to come home and go back to life as normal. I really think I'd like to live at Disney World. I would point out buildings there and tell Matt that we could just live there. Too bad they were probably all fake!
Natalie did wonderfully. I was concerned about taking a 3 month old, but in reality, it was great.
Emily was so much fun this year. To see her interacting with the characters was awesome.
I haven't uploaded pictures, but when I do, I'm going to come back and do another entry.
For now though, it's life as usual!

The House of Mouse

Yep, we are headed there again this year.
To Disney World that is.
If you remember, we got season passes last year when we went.
We had gone back and forth about whether we were going to go again before they expired.
In the end, we decided that after the rough start to the year, the kids deserved some fun..and us too.
So, we took the plunge and are headed to Disney next week.
It should be interesting taking a 3 month old baby, but we'll survive. And it's about being together as a family anyway.
My biggest concern is that right now, Natalie HATES the car seat...and we are driving...for two whole days. Yikes. I hope she learns to not hate it so much by the end of this! Wish us luck!

Just One More Reason I Hate You, CHD...

Last night, Zachy asked me if I thought we were going to have another good Christmas this year.
I told him that sure we would
He then asked if we were going to have another baby this Christmas.
I told him that no, we wouldn't be.
He was so sad and asked me why. Then Dillon chimed in, "yes, why not?"
I had to explain to them that not all babies with CHDs live, and I could not handle losing one of them. It would just be too much.
Dillon said, "yes, but isn't it really rare to have three babies with heart defects?"
Then I had to explain that it is indeed, very, very rare...but it is also incredibly rare to have two with the same defect. A rare defect, at that.
Zachy then told me he guessed it wouldn't be a good Christmas this year,after all, not without a new baby.


Yes, CHD, we would have loved to have more kids, but you have ruined those plans for us. I hate you intensely because of that. I grieve the children we won't have, because of you. I hate you.

Not there yet

Tuesday night, our family attended a Mended Little Hearts meeting. I've been somewhat involved in this group since moving here. It's been really hit or miss with the group because I often feel further out than most of the other families. I wanted to be involved to support people, just never got the opportunity.
Fast forward to this year. I'm right back where I started. So, we decided to get more involved in the group. I really want to be on the support side of things, and I really thought I was ready.
However, on Tuesday, the leader was talking about all the different aspects of the group. Be it support or being supported. She said we are all in different places on this journey. I was fighting tears the whole time, for some reason.
I guess I'm not as ready as I wanted to be.
It's strange, really. I feel like I'm in two different places on this journey. I no longer question why Zachy was born with TAPVR, but I do with Natalie. I no longer cry over Zachy, but I do over Natalie. I guess there are things that apply to both of them, like why did this happen twice? I should say why did it happen at all, but it's always, why twice.
I truck along, usually happy, but sometimes, out of the blue, this overwhelming sadness comes.
I just really don't know where I am. And I'm not sure I need to know. I guess I just need to be. Where ever, and however that is.

Unbreakable Bond

I have been meaning to write about this..and every day it gets better.
The bond between Zachy and Natalie is unbelievable.
Zachy tells her every day that he is so glad she didn't die, and that God let her stay with us. He truly means it.
He kisses her all the time and is always whispering in her ears.
Today, he asked me if we were going to have anymore babies.
I explained to him that I didn't know, because I couldn't have handled if either of them had actually died, and we weren't sure we wanted to risk that again.
He said, "that's why I want to protect babies. I want to be a doctor"
"oh really? A doctor that takes care of babies? Or a doctor that takes care of babies hearts?"
"A doctor that takes care of their hearts. I don't ever want a baby to die because of their heart"
This is the first time he has expressed an interest in being a doctor.
We have often asked him if he wanted to grow up and be like Dr. Bush, and the answer was always no.
Apparently, seeing what it does to someone, other than yourself, totally changes things.
He never used to really talk about his heart, but now he does.
He tells me, "me and Natalie have the specialist hearts in the family".
He loves her so deeply, and it touches me so much. They will be bound for life.
He is young, and time will tell if he becomes a pediatric cardiologist, but I can't imagine anyone more empathetic than him.

Dear TAPVR

Dear TAPVR and your faithful sidekick ASD,
I'm writing to you because they say that sometimes it is easier to talk about your feelings in writing. I'm willing to give it a shot, because I have a bone to pick with you.
You see, TAPVR, I don't particularly care for uninvited guests. And you have chosen to come to our home not once, but twice. You crept up silently, before you so rudely barged in.
Most guests come to be the life of the party. You, on the other hand, came to suck the life out of my children. I guess no one informed you that you were coming to the wrong house, because you see, my children are much stronger than you.
I guess I'm not labeling you correctly. Guests,eventually leave. But you will never leave, will you? No, you will always be around, until the day I die. When my baby has a hard time breathing, you will be the first thought that comes to the doctor's minds. They will do x-rays to be sure blood isn't backing up into her precious little lungs, because of you. When my little boy tires, it is you who will pop up into everyone's minds again.
It is also you who my kids will continue beating, every day of their lives. Again, I'm sorry no one informed you of their ability to do that.
I don't like you. In fact, I hate you. And I don't hate easily. In fact, I can't think of anyone else I hate. To hate is to murder. How I wish I could literally murder you. I would do it in a heartbeat...no pun intended.
I guess though, that I do owe you some thanks. How can that be?
Because of you, I have fallen to my knees more than I would have had you not shown your face. I'm so ashamed to admit that.
You have taught me not to take anything for granted. So many women get pregnant and just assume their baby will be healthy. Not me, no, you took that naivety from me.
You taught me just how precious life is, and that in a beat of a heart it can be gone.
Lastly, you have shown me how strong my children are. Oh how I admire them. I wish I was that strong. I know though, that all of our strength comes from our heavenly Father.
For these things, I thank you.
I hate you and wish I didn't know you, but I do appreciate all you have taught me.
Your host..forever,
The mom of 2 of the most precious babies, who just so happen to know you far too well.

Coming out of my hole

I feel like I'm coming out of a hole.
When I'm pregnant, I tend to become a hermit. I really don't know why. I don't feel depressed or anything like that, I just like to be home with my family. The kids did their play, I helped with that, and there was always church involvement, but that was about it.
We are part of a home school group that meets every Friday for park day.
Last week was the first one we have gotten to this year.
This week, we have kicked school up into high gear and are back to our four day schedule. Usually, Friday is our catch up day. So whatever they were unable to complete during the week, gets done Friday.
Today, Dillon and Matthew both have a little bit of lap booking to do, and when I say little, I mean they both have one mini book to complete...which is not a lot.
Which all means we're hitting the park again today!
Last night, we had some friends over for dinner, so I got the house all clean for that. And that means I have very little preparation for Sabbath.
It's almost like a day off today! Woo Hoo!
I do have some picking up and laundry to do, and some errands to run, but for the most part, it will be a laid back day.
I feel like things are starting to move along like they did in the days before I was pregnant and in my hole. I like it.
And once the trees start to bloom, I'll feel even better! I can't wait! I'm so envious of all the people in the northwest who are talking about flowers that are starting to peek through the ground. I miss bulb flowers so much. I guess it doesn't get cold enough here to do to the bulbs what has to be done during the winter. So for now, everything is dead. That gets old real quick.
Spring is just around the corner though! My second favorite season.
Good times are ahead! I can feel it.

The Wait

Part 1
.Part 2


The next morning, I was dying to get to my baby. Of course, I had to wait for my doctor to discharge me. Unfortunately, I didn't see her until about one in the afternoon. She had no idea that Natalie had been transferred, and immediately discharged me when she heard.
Matt took me to the other hospital, where I was finally reunited with our sweet girl.
We didn't get to stay too long with her because the cardiologist was there and took us into a room to show us the angiogram they had done that morning. He also told us she would be having her surgery on Friday or Monday. It was Wednesday. Later that day, we were told it would for sure be Monday. The reason for the wait was to get her eating well. Apparently, feeding issues are the main reason a baby stays in the NICU after surgery.
The end of the week was pretty uneventful. Natalie looked so good that it was very, very hard for me to tell my head she did indeed need surgery.
It was quite the emotional roller coaster, that week. For one thing, I had all the post partum hormones on board, and they were swinging.
The other thing was, when you are waiting for open heart surgery, you flip between being so thankful you get to wait, and wanting it done RIGHT NOW. You know, just in case they wait too long.
I wanted to be with her every moment, in the back of my head was the thought that this could be the only week we had with her. I don't know that you can understand that. I think any heart mom can, but unless you've been there, I'm not sure you get it, completely.
Unfortunately, there was no way for us to stay at the hospital. So we were commuting back and forth. This meant we were normally at the hospital from about 11 till 6. That wasn't nearly enough time for me. While we were there, I was nursing her, and pumping. She was feeding very well.
On Saturday, things started to change.
While we were there, her O2 sats were dropping. The alarms would sound at 75 and it was going off almost constantly. Finally, they just muted it.
By Sunday they had set the alarm at 65. Her sats were still low, and her respirations were up. So in addition to the alarms for her sats going off, the alarms for her respirations was going off as well.
Being her parents, this was so stressful for us. In our minds at any moment she could crash. Although, I don't think that's how it works, but again, as her parent, that's how your mind goes.
Sunday, Matt's parents also flew in to be with us. We are so very grateful for all the support from our family, and were very, very glad they came to be with us.
Monday morning was surgery. For some reason, she was the second case, so we had to wait on the surgeon.
In the NICU, we noticed her nails and lips were blue. The nurse said it was definitely time to do the surgery.
I felt like it was almost like watching someone die. Each day, something new happened. It was really rough.
We ended going to the holding room around noon. The poor baby was so hungry and crying like crazy by then.
I was trying to hold it together. All I could think about was what if she didn't make it through surgery. And the fact that after this, everything may change. I couldn't even hold her because she was attached to several lines. I just wanted to scoop her up and snuggle with her and nurse her. All I could do was rub her head and talk to her while she cried. At one point, it was too much for me and I just had to sit down. I felt like I was betraying her, sitting there and not being with her. I just felt so helpless. I shed so many tears, and said so many prayers.
Finally, they took her back. Again with the mixed feelings. Relief that if all went well, she would be fixed. Sadness to know that if all went well, she would be hurting. And fear of it not going well. I wanted to take her and just run and never deal with any of it. I wanted it all gone.
We headed to the waiting room to wait for what would feel like an eternity.
Finally, the cardiologist came to talk to us and tell us everything went well.
The tears just poured out. I was so very, very relieved.
We would head to the PICU for a bit of recovery before being sent back to the NICU.
In a way, the ride was just beginning. We didn't know what we were in for, and it would probably be what brought me to needing to write all of this out. It was very, very difficult, but that's a different story, for a different entry.

Caridologist appt.

I'm taking a little break from my story to let you know about Natalie's appointment yesterday.
She weighs 11 pounds 2 ounces now. I knew once the lasix was stopped she'd start putting on the weight, and she has. Almost 2 pounds in a month! WAY TO GO NATALIE!!
She has an upper left pulmonary vein that is narrow..however, it has always been narrow. If you look at the picture, you can see that it actually attaches to the lower left pulmonary vein. It's something that we have to keep an eye on. If it gets too narrow, it may need surgery. The doctor said that since it is only one vein, if she doesn't have any issues then it may not need anything. We'll pray for that!
Also, she has a bit of narrowing at the repair site. This is the one that will be more important. As she grows, the scar may or may not grow well with her. If it doesn't, then they will have to redo things and fix that. If it stays the same narrowness (is that a word?!?!) that it is now, it should be fine. Again, we're praying for that!
In a few months, Dr Bush thinks he will probably do an MRI to see things more clearly, but maybe not.
It feels like everything is wait and see! God really must think I need to work on my patience. Who am I kidding? He's right!!
Also, Dr Bush still thinks her rhythms are good. If she needs paced he thinks it won't be for "decades and decades". I'll take that!! None of this four year old business.
So for now, we wait. Which is good. I'd rather have that then some issue that needs to be taken care of right now.
Here are some pictures from before her heart was fixed.
The first is her pulmonary veins that are clearly, not attached to the back of her heart. The vein that they are attached to, isn't even supposed to be there.
The second is just showing how much bigger the right half of her heart was. It is all back to it's normal size now, thank goodness!