Thursday, November 19, 2009

It is highly possible that I am the worst mother alive

I am sitting in bed, listening to Emily scream her head off.
She is with Matt, but is throwing a huge, ginormous fit.
I honestly don't know what to do.
You see, she still nurses. Yes, yes, I do know she will be 3 in March. And yes, I know there is going to be a new baby in a matter of weeks. I know all of this.
To wean or not to wean has been the ongoing question here.
On the one hand it would be really great for her to be weaned before the baby is born.
On the other hand, I do not want her to feel rejected by me. And I really don't want her to hate Natalie.
It is such a hard, hard decision. She really enjoys nursing. And I really do not at this point.
So tonight, I let her nurse to sleep, which is about the only time she nurses. But she woke up after about an hour. And not just a little. She must have dreamt something bad because she woke up nearly screaming. So, I scooped her up, and naturally, she wanted to nurse. Normally, she will latch on and nurse for just a few minutes and I can tell her that's enough and she's fine with that. Not tonight though. She just wanted to nurse and nurse. And I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I'm reading a book about tandem nursing, and it turns out this is a totally normal feeling when you are nursing while pregnant.
I told her that was enough, and she lost it. And she's been screaming ever since. And it's breaking my heart. I'm not sure what we are trying to accomplish here. All I know is I don't want to nurse her right now.
How selfish. She needs comfort and all I care about is my own comfort.
See. I told you..worst mother alive.
This all sucks. Really, really bad. My mother would tell me that she has told me all along to wean her, we have just really struggled with if that was the best thing for her. It's funny, because my mom likes to spout off about me weaning her, she has no idea what we have been going through regarding the whole weaning issue. It isn't one we are taking lightly, it has been a source of major stress for us for some time. It's hard to know what the right decisions are when it comes to our babies!
I need a fairy godmother to come wave a wand and make this all better. *sigh*

Friday, November 6, 2009

Where is my music?

Do you hear my wonderful Christmas music???
I don't even see the box. It's in the html but it isn't showing up to me. Where did it go???

My head hurts

Matt has been in New Jersey for the week. He is coming home tonight. He can't get here quick enough.
It has just been a very trying week. Several things have gone wrong. The kids have been trying my patience. And well, I'm just tired.
My head is killing me this afternoon and I'm trying to decide what to do for dinner. I'm thinking maybe fast food, because I just don't have it in me to do much else. Maybe Taco Bell, we never eat there. Or Arby's.
Matt bought me a gift certificate last Christmas to be used for a massage. I found a place where I can get two 45 minute massages for the price of the gc he got me. I was wanting to do one next week on veteran's day because Matt has the day off, but we'll see. For some reason, I'm a bit nervous to make the appointment. Mainly because I know nothing about the place (though it got good reviews) and because I've never had a massage. I keep thinking that the people will take one look at me and think, "oh heaven's NO..I am NOT putting my hands on HER!!"
Anyway, Matt comes home tonight, but I won't see him much this weekend. He is doing and evangelistic series at church. I'm really proud of him for this, but meetings that normally are spread out over several weeks, have been condensed into two weekends worth of all day long meetings.
Next week the kids' play start. They have practice every night then the play starts Thursday. Usually, one of us takes the boys and the other stays home with Emily. If we do that, it means more time to not see him.
OK this was a really whiny post, I'm sorry. I'm just spent right now and felt the need to share that with all of you!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Birth Announcements or No??

Originally, I had planned on not doing Christmas cards, and just sending out birth announcements with the required picture and letter.
And I've been thinking lots about announcements and what I want them to say.
But then, I got to thinking...should I even do announcements?
I have always done them, but wonder if people get them and think, "oh, Matt and Bekki had another baby, big surprise". I also wonder if people think we send announcements to get gifts. This has been an issue for me for several babies. I do not want people to think they need to send anything, we send announcements to share our excitement with them, nothing else.
Then there is the issue of making them. I have made all the other announcements, but am not sure I want to do that this time. But since I've done it five other times, would it make sense to change now? Assuming I even do them!
AAAGGGHHHHH, who knew birth announcements could create such a dilemma for me??
I realize this entry makes very little sense, and is quite grammatically incorrect, I'm just trying to figure out what to do.
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