May be changing things

So, I've been having a really hard time dealing with all that has happened.
I just had my post partum appointment where we talked about depression. The doctor is convinced that I will come out of this on my own as Natalie continues to improve. The plan for now is to go back in a month to see how I'm doing. I decided I would start writing again, telling my story. Sort of a type of therapy for me.
The only problem I'm having is where to start.
I keep thinking of totally changing up my blog and making it just my story. I do all my updating about the kids on facebook anyway. But then, my story could get old. And again, where do I start? And do I tell my story as if to someone who knows nothing about us? I need to think about what would serve as therapy the best.
What is important to know, is that Natalie is currently doing well. Things were just so crazy. She is still on the formula, and I'm still pumping and praying that someday she'll come back to breastfeeding. I think when that happens I'll feel much better. Oh, and she is home. All our family has left, and Matt has gone back to work. The kids started school this week, and we are just trying to get life back on track.
As for me, I'm in an angry phase. Not angry with God or anything, just angry. I'm so so mad that this has happened again. I need to get through this, hence the reason for my writing it all out.
If you have any great ideas for how to begin writing, please let me know.

So Perfect

A friend sent this to me today. I pray my Natalie does this,

Once upon a special day,
In heaven up above
The tiniest souls sat at God's feet
Surrounded by his love.
The time was coming very soon
God said "Do not be scared"
Your family awaits your arrival
Now let us get prepared
and so.....God looked upon these souls
In mute consideration
He knew the life each one would live
He weighed each situation
The souls chatted amongst themselves
And wondered who they'd be.
They knew the day grew closer..and so on
They'd meet their family.
"How would you like to change the world?"
God asked each soul in fun
"The chance to make a difference
is held by only one."


I'm going to make the world laugh
One soul said with a smile.
For laughter heals a broken heart.
And helps us through each trial.
Then take with you the biggest smile
and share your laughter well
The soul thanked God immensely
And down to earth he fell.


And I'll remind the world to sing
A sweet little soul told the world
I have the gift of a beautiful voice .
I can hit every note, every chord
You'll have the gift of music then
A voice lovely and strong
Share your gift with others
Let them hear your song.


I will show compassion
The next little soul raised his hand
Some people only need a friend
Someone to understand
Compassion is a good thing
God said with much delight
To you...I will give mercy
You'll perceive wrong from right.

and so each soul....shared every thought
their plans their hopes their dreams
As God explained that life.....
is much harder than it seems
And as each soul began to leave
in a scurry of laughter and fun
heaven became quiet
left was only one....
Come sit with me my little child
God said with just a sigh
Do you know how many you will touch
in a world left wondering why
From the moment that your life begins
You will know strife
But you'll touch those that know you
To cherish the small things in life
and some may only know you
through a simple photograph
they'll never hold you in their arms
Or memorize your laugh
some may only know you
through the words they read each day
But you'll do something wonderful
You'll make them stop to pray
The tiniest soul raised her head up
To touch God's strong firm hand
Father I am ready for
The life that you have planned
And I will do the best I can
without a word or deed
for you Lord are the planter
And I will be your seed
She could already hear many praying
and although they had not seen her face
they were praying for her safe arrival
they were asking for mercy and grace
What talent do I leave with Lord
what gift to you impart?
All that you will need God said
I've placed within your heart
and so God kissed this tiny child
knowing all that she would be
and whispered as he watched her go
You'll teach them to see me.

Update on Natalie

What a long week this has been. Natalie had her surgery on Monday. Surgery went well. The day after surgery Natalie did GREAT. They extubated her and we got to hold her all day. She even nursed quite a bit on Tuesday. By Tuesday evening they moved her from PICU to NICU. This was a great step. And they had said she was doing so well that she would probably be home by the weekend.
However, Wednesday's chest x-ray showed fluid around her right lung. The dr tried to drain it just with a needle, but only got 10 ccs. They knew there was more so opted to do a chest tube. As of today that tube has drained over 200 ccs of fluid. A lot of fluid for a little baby.
The day after the tube was placed the nurse let us hold her and nurse. Since then, no nurse has let us hold her. :-(
Yesterday, they told us that she now had fluid around her left lung and had to do another chest tube on that side.
Today, we found out she has chylothorax...basically the fluid she is having is lymph. So, they put her on a special formula that has a very low fat content, to try and seal that up.
At this point, we've been told she will be in the NICU indefinitely. Most likely at least 2 more weeks.
My mom and Dave are still here, and Matt's parents have been here the last week. They leave tomorrow. I have no idea what we would do without them...it is really hard trying to figure out how to divide our time between the hospital and the kids. Thankfully, Matt has taken the month of January off. It's just been really hard.
Prayers would be appreciated. She's a little fighter and I know we'll get through this, it's just a matter of time.
I cannot wait to get her home with us, and to be able to snuggle with her whenever I want.

Natalie Grace's Birth Story

I tried everything I could think of to go into labor on my own, but it wasn't meant to be. I had been scheduled to be induced on Jan 5, and I made it to that day.
We arrived at the hospital at 5 am and got things started. I was terrified of the IV, but it was a really good placement and I did well with it. I was so proud of me! LOL
When they checked me I was still the 2 cm I had been at my last appt a week before.
I had said all along that I didn't want an epidural but that I wasn't someone who was going to let myself feel like I was dying.
Around 7 they started my pit and the doctor came in to check me. She said I was a 2 and asked if she could break my water. I told her last time they broke my water they didn't let me sit up after that, so asked that if that was the case, she not break it. But she said Natalie was low enough so she broke my water. Boy was there a lot, it just kept coming.
Matt and I started to play cards and the contractions were coming every few minutes but were very tolerable.
We made it through our game and turned on the TV. We watched a bit of the Price is Right and while we were watching that, the contractions started to get pretty painful.
The doctor had told me not to wait too long for the epi because I labor fast and she didn't want me to wait too long. The nurse said as soon as I was ready, she had filled out the paper work for the epi and she'd call the anesthesiologist. I just really felt like I could do it without.
Around 11, I asked to be checked because things were starting to pick up and I was wanting to see how far along I was to make the epi decision. I was a measley 4 cm. I thought I probably had a ways to go. I asked for something in my IV instead, just to get back on top of things.
Whatever they gave me, knocked me out. It must have been so weird to Matt, because I was out cold but every couple minutes I would wake up moaning and saying, "ow ow ow" and then I'd be out cold again. Matt went and got lunch at that time. I don't even remember him being gone.
Suddenly, at 12:30 I was in a ton of pain. My back was killing me and I wasn't sure I was going to make it through this. I was checked and was a 6. They offered me the epi, but I knew that transition was just around the corner and I'd go really fast after that. So I refused. I did ask for more IV meds because I really wanted to sleep and not deal with the pain! However, it was too soon after the first dose to give me anything.
At that point though, with nearly every contraction, I was bearing down. I couldn't help it, it was the only way to feel any sort of relief. The pain in my back was almost paralyzing. I was sitting on the end of the bed and couldn't move from that position. The contractions would just start to die down when another would come. I was crying at this point saying I couldn't do it. But I knew I had no choice. They kept checking me and it hurt sooo bad, I'd tell them they needed to get their hand out NOW. But each time I was a cm more dialated than before. Finally, they said I could push, but I got really scared. I had been pushing all along, but now was going to do it in earnest. I had so much pressure that I kept telling the dr I was going to poop on her! She said it was ok, but I was so freaked out about pooping on her! I don't think I ever did, but it was the thing I was concerned about at that time.
After pusing for about 3 contractions and 10 minutes Natalie came out, sunny side up. And it HURT. Badly. She wasn't crying so they wisked her away and Matt went to be with her. I don't remember him cutting the cord, but he says he did. I remember still being in a load of pain, with tons of burning. Finally, when the placenta came out, the pain was gone.
She was born at 1:32. It took two hours from being 4 cm to having her, not bad! She was 8 lb 13 oz and 19 inches long.
This is only the second time I've gone with no epi, strangely enough, it's been with both my TAPVR kiddos, and they both happened to be sunny side up.
I'm not sure I would recommend going without and epi in an induced labor. It is very intense and you literally go from totally tolerable contractions to 'oh my gosh I'm gonna die' contractions in a matter of minutes.
But, it's done. I didn't tear. My precious girl is here and I feel great.

Short update

I just wanted to let everyone know that Natalie Grace was born on January 5. She weighed 8lbs 13oz and was 19 inches long.
She is about the cutest thing I've ever seen!
I was induced at about 7 AM and she was born at 1:32 PM. Once things started going, it was a pretty intense labor. She was born sunny side up like Zachary which made things incredibly painful. But, we survived.
After having her with us for a couple hours the nurse took her to be "transitioned". This is a time they give them a bath and just generally look the baby over.
During this time, the nurse noticed she was "slightly dusky" and she did a pulse ox test. Pulse ox tests are not routine, for reasons I cannot fathom. Her O2 sats were in the low 90s so the nurse called in the ped.
When Matt went to check on Natalie he was told we were waiting on the pediatrician. At that point, Matt mentioned Zachary and his heart defect, TAPVR.
The nurse spread the word and shortly the neonatologist was called in. He explained to us all the tests that needed to be run before calling the cardiologist. They then transferred her to the NICU, and we were told we would have some news in about an hour.
About an hour later, we went down to the NICU, where we were told that all the tests indicated it was probably her heart, and they were waiting on the cardiolgist to get there to do an echo.
When that was done we were taken to a conference room (never a good sign) where we were told that Natalie has the same defect as Zachary. She has unobstructed, supracardiac TAPVR. What a blow! This defect is so very rare to begin with, and it is even more rare for it to repeat in siblings.
She was then transferred to a different hospital. I had to stay the night at the other hospital, which was very hard for me. Matt went over with Natalie.
The good news is, she is in much better shape than Zachary was. She isn't even on any oxygen. She will have her repair on Monday. It is so very hard to look at her and know that this HAS to happen for her to survive, she just seems so healthy.
So for now, we sit at the hospital holding her, and loving on her. Come Monday, all that will change and we won't be able to hold her for awhile. Breaks my heart!
Please remember Natalie in your prayers this upcoming week, she could really use them!

Still Here

I have neglected my blog so badly.
I've had such computer issues..and just yesterday sent my laptop back to the company to be fixed for the second time in 2 months. What a pain. And I'm lazy, on top of that. It's so much easier to get here when it's all in my favorites.
Anyway, I am still here. Still pregnant.
I am now 38 weeks. I haven't gone past 38 weeks since I had Dillon, 11 years ago. It's weird. My doctor would really like me to go into labor on my own. But if I don't, there is an induction date set. I'm not going to say it here, because it will be a surprise to some people who would like a surprise!
We had a great Christmas. My mom and step dad are here and it was a nice, quiet, family Christmas. Although, we are praying that next year, in Ohio, we'll get a white Christmas. It is really hard for it to feel like Christmas when it's warm outside!
The kids are done with school for now, until after the baby is born, so we've all just been hanging out playing with the new Christmas toys.
Oh, I wanted this to be longer, but Emily is wanting some attention, and I'm trying to give her lots in these last few days.
I'll update when Natalie is here!

It is highly possible that I am the worst mother alive

I am sitting in bed, listening to Emily scream her head off.
She is with Matt, but is throwing a huge, ginormous fit.
I honestly don't know what to do.
You see, she still nurses. Yes, yes, I do know she will be 3 in March. And yes, I know there is going to be a new baby in a matter of weeks. I know all of this.
To wean or not to wean has been the ongoing question here.
On the one hand it would be really great for her to be weaned before the baby is born.
On the other hand, I do not want her to feel rejected by me. And I really don't want her to hate Natalie.
It is such a hard, hard decision. She really enjoys nursing. And I really do not at this point.
So tonight, I let her nurse to sleep, which is about the only time she nurses. But she woke up after about an hour. And not just a little. She must have dreamt something bad because she woke up nearly screaming. So, I scooped her up, and naturally, she wanted to nurse. Normally, she will latch on and nurse for just a few minutes and I can tell her that's enough and she's fine with that. Not tonight though. She just wanted to nurse and nurse. And I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I'm reading a book about tandem nursing, and it turns out this is a totally normal feeling when you are nursing while pregnant.
I told her that was enough, and she lost it. And she's been screaming ever since. And it's breaking my heart. I'm not sure what we are trying to accomplish here. All I know is I don't want to nurse her right now.
How selfish. She needs comfort and all I care about is my own comfort.
See. I told you..worst mother alive.
This all sucks. Really, really bad. My mother would tell me that she has told me all along to wean her, we have just really struggled with if that was the best thing for her. It's funny, because my mom likes to spout off about me weaning her, she has no idea what we have been going through regarding the whole weaning issue. It isn't one we are taking lightly, it has been a source of major stress for us for some time. It's hard to know what the right decisions are when it comes to our babies!
I need a fairy godmother to come wave a wand and make this all better. *sigh*

Where is my music?

Do you hear my wonderful Christmas music???
I don't even see the box. It's in the html but it isn't showing up to me. Where did it go???

My head hurts

Matt has been in New Jersey for the week. He is coming home tonight. He can't get here quick enough.
It has just been a very trying week. Several things have gone wrong. The kids have been trying my patience. And well, I'm just tired.
My head is killing me this afternoon and I'm trying to decide what to do for dinner. I'm thinking maybe fast food, because I just don't have it in me to do much else. Maybe Taco Bell, we never eat there. Or Arby's.
Matt bought me a gift certificate last Christmas to be used for a massage. I found a place where I can get two 45 minute massages for the price of the gc he got me. I was wanting to do one next week on veteran's day because Matt has the day off, but we'll see. For some reason, I'm a bit nervous to make the appointment. Mainly because I know nothing about the place (though it got good reviews) and because I've never had a massage. I keep thinking that the people will take one look at me and think, "oh heaven's NO..I am NOT putting my hands on HER!!"
Anyway, Matt comes home tonight, but I won't see him much this weekend. He is doing and evangelistic series at church. I'm really proud of him for this, but meetings that normally are spread out over several weeks, have been condensed into two weekends worth of all day long meetings.
Next week the kids' play start. They have practice every night then the play starts Thursday. Usually, one of us takes the boys and the other stays home with Emily. If we do that, it means more time to not see him.
OK this was a really whiny post, I'm sorry. I'm just spent right now and felt the need to share that with all of you!

Birth Announcements or No??

Originally, I had planned on not doing Christmas cards, and just sending out birth announcements with the required picture and letter.
And I've been thinking lots about announcements and what I want them to say.
But then, I got to thinking...should I even do announcements?
I have always done them, but wonder if people get them and think, "oh, Matt and Bekki had another baby, big surprise". I also wonder if people think we send announcements to get gifts. This has been an issue for me for several babies. I do not want people to think they need to send anything, we send announcements to share our excitement with them, nothing else.
Then there is the issue of making them. I have made all the other announcements, but am not sure I want to do that this time. But since I've done it five other times, would it make sense to change now? Assuming I even do them!
AAAGGGHHHHH, who knew birth announcements could create such a dilemma for me??
I realize this entry makes very little sense, and is quite grammatically incorrect, I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

Update of sorts

I know it's been forever since I wrote anything significant. I just get in these modes where I just don't have it in me. Besides, it is so much easier to just throw a status update up on Facebook than it is to post here.
The first big update is on Zachy. Last I wrote the nurse had called concerned about some fast rhythms he was having. When we saw the Doctor he wasn't concerned at all. He said it registered as too high on the equipment because pacemakers aren't made for children. So what is a normal active rhythm for a child is too high for an adult. So all is well with Zachy. Thank goodness!
Matthew has been saving his money for a very long time, and yesterday was finally able to buy himself an iPod. He got the nano which has a camcorder on it as well. He has been taking videos all morning. He would probably be just fine with it even if it never played music. He loves making videos.
Their play is in two weeks. I will be glad when it's done. We love it, but by the end it is always nice to be able to stop making the drive twice a week. It's hard because the practices are 1 1/2 hours on Thursday and 2 hours on Sunday. Well, it is far enough away that by the time you turn around to go home it would be time to turn right back around to pick them up, but too long to just sit there. Although this year, I've been helping make the costumes and Matt's been staying home with Emily.
As far as the pregnancy, this has to be the easiest pregnancy I've ever had. In the beginning I was really sick, but since that has passed I have felt great. I'm 29 weeks and time is still flying. Natalie will be here before we know it.
Other than that, we've just been busy doing yearly eye exams, doctors visits for me, and dentist appointments. Oh yes, school too. Which is going great.
I wish this entry had been more entertaining, but alas, that's what happens when you wait so long in between entries! Sorry.

My apologies

I know it is far to early for Christmas for some of you, but I just cannot resist being in the Christmas spirit.
It is my favorite time of year and it is just too short, if you ask me!
This year is especially special because Miss Natalie will be joining our family right around Christmas, can you imagine anything more wonderful?? I can't.
Speaking of Natalie, what am I going to do about this blog? I won't have 5 little monkeys anymore, but 6. Is that an appropriate name? Six Little Monkeys? I don't know. If anyone has any great ideas for a new title, I'd love to hear them.
For now, sit back, relax, sip some hot cocoa and enjoy the Christmas spirit!

Where did you say you are from??

Today in southern Texas it is pretty brisk. The temp is in the 60s and it has been raining off and on all day.
Half of us are in pants, the other half are in shorts.
We had to run to Wally World to get some batteries earlier. While there, we saw several people in winter coats.
Matthew and I started commenting about the fact that to us this is great weather and to people around here, it's cold.
We then laughed about the fact that Emily kept saying she was cold, and she is the only one amongst us who is a Texan.
So Matthew says we are Ohioans...then said, "well, Collin anyway".
I said it was because we were northerners.
While we were talking about this Collin said, "I'm a what?" And we told him an Ohioan. We had to explain that meant he was born in Ohio.
Dillon says, "Am I an organic, since I was born in Oregon?"
Oh my, it was priceless.

Double Digits!!

Check out my ticker!! Less than 100 days to go! Time's a flyin!!

This Really Chaps my Hide

On our way home from play practice, there are two billboards.
They have a picture of a young lady with the words, "you have the power to have a healthy baby".
It's an ad for a health clinic, I think.
What does this imply?
UGH! It implies that if you only get proper prenatal care, you will have a healthy baby. And you have the power to make that happen.
Well darn. I wish someone had told me I had the power to have a healthy baby. If only I'd known that I possess that power!
For the record, I have always gotten the proper prenatal care.
I don't go to the doctor on a normal basis, but when I'm pregnant I never miss an appointment.
I just hate that they are trying to tell people that they can have a healthy baby.

Sometimes, it just isn't up to us.

Post Script and other Happenings

As a post script to yesterday's post..my sympathies go out to all young men of this generation.
Have you any idea how hard it is to teach these young men to keep their eyes and thoughts pure, when they are bombarded with just the opposite all around them?
Matt commented on the fact that they had just finished the respect CD, and talked about keeping thoughts pure. One way to do that, is to not fill your mind with images of scantily clad girls. They went ice skating after that, and what do you think all the girls were wearing? Next to nothing, of course.
Our kids are met with it everywhere. For us, even in the church. Girls wear clothes that leave nothing to the imagination, to church. What kind of message does that send the boys?
God gave them these hormones. We instruct them to keep them in check, and then WHAM! they can't get away from it.
It has to be so hard on them.

ANYWAY..onto other things.
Dillon's birthday is coming up. It is on Columbus Day this year, and we are going to try to go to Sea World for it. Once a year, military members and their dependents get free admission. We haven't used ours for this year, so we are going to go on his body. Hopefully, the weather cooperates. By this I mean either it isn't scorching hot or pouring rain. Anything in between will be just fine.

Our pastor's wife is teaching the kids guitar lessons every Sabbath after pot luck. It is really great. They are learning lots and I hope by the time we leave they have a great understanding of how to play the guitar. The only problem is, it doesn't address the ability to read music. Yes, they are learning cords, but not regular music. But then, do you really need to know how to read music to get by in life? I'm not so sure.

I posted after our first week of school that Zachy was trucking along with everything. That has definitely stopped. Collin has taken the lead now and does his work without complaint and...are you ready for this?? I see signs of the switch almost being switched and him being able to read! WAHOO!!!!!

Emily is as cute as ever. She is such a character and cracks us up all the time. She does everything the boys do, but the last couple of days she has wanted to wear dresses, so maybe there is hope that she won't be a total tom boy!!

Matt says he feels like a divorced dad getting visitation with his kids this week. He also says he is ready to have a night alone with me. HA! That hasn't happened in over 13 years, I don't see it happening anytime soon! Oh well, I'll just be glad to have him home tonight, I've missed him. He leaves next week to teach a hearing conservation course. He'll be gone all week. Then home the next week. Then off again the following week. He's a busy beaver!

As for me, I'm 25 weeks pregnant today. Baby is moving around so much sometimes it makes me nauseous. I do love it though! She is currently breech, though I'm not concerned at this point. I think if she would turn, I would be more comfortable. Right now, I feel like she is going to kick right through my cervix. Other than that, though, I am still feeling really good. I still look fat. No one has asked me if I'm pregnant, so that's a sure sign. I don't think anyone at the kids' play have any idea I am indeed pregnant and not just fat. Oh well, in due time I guess.

So that's about it. That's all she wrote.