Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Having a Rough Time Tonight

My heart is heavy tonight.
On facebook, there have been so many posts about babies losing their battles with CHD. Or babies in the hospital dealing with surgeries and infections.
It is just killing me. The pain these families who have lost their little ones, I cannot imagine.
I feel so blessed to have my babies here with me, alive and well.
I just wish there was something I could do to make CHD go away, and the pain these families are going through.
Big heavy sigh.

Monday, May 17, 2010

code....ignore this post

Ignore this post.....

When I look in the mirror

As I stood looking in the mirror, I paused a moment and pondered what I saw.
Surely, what you see is far different from what I see.*
When I look, I see gray hairs, slowly taking their rightful place on my head. To me, they say wisdom. They say the years are passing, and I am learning more each and every day.
You may see someone who doesn't care enough about herself to cover them up.
I see creases at my eyes. You see an aging woman. I see millions of smiles. And tears. My eyes hold all the emotion I have experienced over the years, especially since becoming a mom.
I keep scanning downward. You may see saggy breasts that need a lift. I see six perfectly plump babies that these breasts have nourished. I am proud of this accomplishment.
Oh, please, don't look any further. If you do, you may feel the desire to judge me. The large belly may say lazy, unhealthy, fat person.
I see something much different.
I see an emotional eater. I see someone who has had her share of stress, and sleepless nights, all in the name of motherhood. I try to control the bulge, but I fail. I got this way, though, from years of overeating due to emotions. Loving my children so fiercely and not being able to take away their pain through the years has taken it's toll.
Scanning up and down, I see beyond the obvious. I see a woman who would die in an instant for her family. I see a heart so full of love that it feels like it may burst. I know I am beyond blessed.
If only we could look at everyone and see the not so obvious. What a world this would be!

*I long to see these things every time I look in the mirror, sadly, I often see the obvious. I'm working on this.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Where's my Peace?

I feel so uneasy these days.
I have no idea why.
I have so much to be thankful for and to praise Him for, I just don't have peace.
Where is it? How do I get it? I just want a calm feeling.
Instead, I feel like my insides are always jumbled up. I always worry about everything. I worry about not doing a good enough job as a mom and wife, mainly. I don't know why. I just really want to be a good wife and mom, and I never feel like I do enough to be that. And then I stress out about it.
I often feel like crying. Over the silliest things. Again, I have no reason to cry, and yet, the feeling is almost overwhelming at times.
I really just want peace. *sigh*

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day of Rejoicing

Today, Zachy and Natalie both had appointments with the cardiologist. It was quite funny when they brought us back to the exam room. I only had Matthew, Zachy, and Natalie with me. We went to a tiny exam room. A nurse took us. Zachy got on the bed and she started working with his pacemaker. At the same time, another nurse was doing an EKG on Natalie. Then, two residents came to ask me questions about Zachy, one about Natalie. We were all crammed into this little room, and it just made me chuckle.
So Zachy is doing great. His pacemaker battery still says it will last 5-7 years. Great news. The only downer was that the doctor said if Zachy grows like Matthew, then we'll be needing to replace the lead wires sooner than they thought. That's kind of a bummer. It was so hard to get those leads in, I hate to think of how it will go next time. But, that's several years from sense thinking about it now. He goes back in six months, for his last visit before we move.
Good news for Natalie too. Her heart looks great. She does have a bit of narrowing at the repair site, but nothing to worry about. The doc thinks that it would be good in a couple years to do an MRI to see the structure of her heart better. However, he won't be her doctor in a couple of years, so we'll see what the new doc says. The most exciting thing is she has graduated to 6 month visits. She will go one more time with Zachy. So hard to believe, but oh so wonderful!

Monday, May 3, 2010


We got home from Disney World yesterday.
We had such a great time and it was such a bummer to come home and go back to life as normal. I really think I'd like to live at Disney World. I would point out buildings there and tell Matt that we could just live there. Too bad they were probably all fake!
Natalie did wonderfully. I was concerned about taking a 3 month old, but in reality, it was great.
Emily was so much fun this year. To see her interacting with the characters was awesome.
I haven't uploaded pictures, but when I do, I'm going to come back and do another entry.
For now though, it's life as usual!
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