Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Drowning

What a far cry from the last post, where I said I was full. I still am. I just feel like now I'm drowning under all the fullness.
Things are going well. I just have a lot to do, and it's ok. It's all good. But there is something that is weighing so very heavy on me. I had been telling Matt I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I didn't know why. Just now, it hit me.
It's amazing how something can stress you out so much that you push it far down and pretend to not be worried about it. But it is still there, festering, weighing down like a ton of bricks.
What is worrying me, you may be asking.
Zachy.
All his telephone reports from his pacemaker have been great. But, in the last few weeks, he has gotten so very tired. He can no longer make it through a day without crashing. It's de ja vu, and quite frankly, it scares the life out of me.
His pulse is hanging in right at 80, so the pacemaker is working. Why could this be happening?
I'm scared. So very scared. Since being paced, they haven't measured his heart. They said it would take a while for it to go back to his normal size, but at the same time, they have never promised us that it would return back to normal. What if it hasn't? What if he is still in the early stages of heart failure? Why am I even going there? Everything will be great. He sees his doc the first week of November. But in the meantime, I'm scared. I'm so very, very scared. Something seems off. I'm praying for something like a growth spurt, but I don't know. Would that knock a 5 year old kid out, every. single. day.? He had been doing so well...what's happening??
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