Alone

Do you ever feel entirely alone in the world?

Like you are the only one going through trials and tribulations? And you can't show yourself to the world, because you have to appear like everyone else?

Do you ever feel like you are the only one who battles internal demons?

I know this is foolish. I know we all have our own battles. It is so hard to see this when you look around and see anything but people fighting battles. I know other people are struggling. I know other people are beyond stressed. I just feel like I'm the only one who isn't strong enough to handle it. I feel weak. I am weak.

I told Matt the other day that I am weak and have absolutely no idea how in the world I have managed to get through my adult life when it has been almost constant stress. Don't get me wrong, we definitely have our non stressful times. Times when we are just flitting through life without a care in the world. But those times seem so overshadowed by the stress we have endured. I am so grateful to have Matt beside me through the good and bad.

I don't know where this post is going, because really, today is a very good day. Not much stress. There are upcoming tests to be done, which will be stressful, but I'll survive.

And I know that ultimately, maybe I'm not as weak as I feel. I've made it this far, that must say something.

OK, ignore this whole post..it is rambly and doesn't make any sense..and today is a good day...it's just been a stressful week.

YAY Maria!!

My friend, Maria, has a little boy born with the same heart defect as Zachy.
She just told me they got their wish granted through Make-A-Wish and will be headed to Disney in April.
I'm so very happy for them...they deserve some carefree time!!

This is not good

Matt is in Ohio for the week. He will return home late Friday night, be home Saturday, and fly out to Arizona on Sunday. Bleh.
I'm exhausted. Just wiped out. I tell you, this is not a good way to start out single motherhood.
And just in case you were keeping track, my sweet little baby will be TWO on March 3. We will have a little family celebration on Saturday when Matt is home. I have no idea what to get for the little darling, and I'm sad there are no friends to share a party with, but it's ok. We'll have our own little shin dig....as long as I don't die from exhaustion first!

Crazy Busy

It's been hard to sit down long enough to write an entry. I'm not sure I'll get through this one either, but I'll try.
School has us very, very busy. We are starting some new things. Matthew and Dillon are participating in the Science Fair this year, so we've been brainstorming. My sister recommended growing bacteria, of course Dillon jumped on that idea. So he will be doing a bacterial experiment of some sort. And Matthew will be growing plants using different types of lights. I'm excited that they are getting this opportunity. I never participated in a science fair, and honestly don't ever remember our school holding one.
We are also taking a stab at lapbooking.

Lapbooking can be done by any learner-- from preschoolers to adults. With this educational method, you make mini-books covering details that you've studied. After making a variety of mini-books about a larger topic, all the books are put together in a large folder. The finished product is called a lapbook because it's large and covers your lap.

The completed lapbook will serve as a review tool as your children refer to it over and over again. And if you have to keep a homeschool portfolio to document learning each year, lapbooks can be a very impressive addition- from http://www.squidoo.com/lapbooking

I've been wanting to try this for years, but it always seemed like so much work. It is not at all. It's fun! I decided that we would learn about Disney World before our trip. So in addition to our regular schooling, we are doing a study of Disneyland (since it was the original). The kids are having a blast with it, and when we are done, I'll post pictures.

The Pathfinders hosted a valentine's banquet at church to help them raise money for Osh Kosh. They raised about $500, but it was an awful lot of work. Matthew told us that night that he was never going to be a pathfinder director because it was too much work. Poor kid!

Emily is doing better after her last med raise. I think, though, that it won't be too awful long before we have to go up again. I cannot believe that her birthday is right around the corner. March 3 will be here soon, and she'll be 2 years old. How did that happen? She has renewed our love for Sandra Boynton books, especially 'Blue Hat, Green Hat'. They have to be the best books ever written. We've also discovered that she is awfully cute in orange! Who wouldda thunk??

Our healthy living group at church is trucking along, and I'm down 9 pounds. It seems to be going soooo slow. It's frustrating. But with the support of the ladies at church, I'm not giving up!

And finally, please keep Zachy in your prayers. He is back to tiring out easily. I hate that. I assume it will be another adjustment to his pacemaker. I just wonder if it will be a life long thing, this tiredness. He is supposed to see his doctor in May, but I'm going to try to get the appointment in April instead since we will be gone most of May.

Phew! That was long, and it took me a very long time to write it. I had to read books and play a game of Candyland during the writing of this post. Thanks for hanging out with me for this long!

CHD Awareness Week

This has been CHD Awareness week, tomorrow is CHD Awareness day.
I'm reposting the information I posted last year.

~~1 in 85 babies in the US will be born with a CHD. This does NOT include the babies who are lost during pregnancy.

~~CHDs are the most common type of birth defect, and the #1 cause of DEATH from a birth defect

~~CHDS are 2 times as likely and kill 2 times as many children as cancer EVERY YEAR

~~ There are 35 known types of CHDs

~~Most Drs believe that CHD is a genetic defect, but new research shows that mothers who take antidepressants and painkillers while pregnant raise the risk of CHD by 3 times.

~~Many children born with a CHD will not live to see their first birthday

~~CHDs are not always found at birth. Some are found years later. And sometimes after death, when it is too late.

~~CHD can NOT be cured. The heart will NEVER be normal. It must be treated for life.

~~Only one penny of every dollar donated to the American Heart Association goes towards pediatric cardiology research.

So many people do not know about CHDs...it doesn't make the news like cancer does. Why is this? The word needs to get out so that research can be done. Zachy's surgery has only been performed for about 40 years. So much can happen in the future, but research needs to be done!!

Hug your children today, and thank God for their hearts...even if they are special hearts.

Just a quick update on Em

For those of you who have been asking, Emily is still struggling.
She went back to the doc yesterday who increased her reflux meds. The doctor is actually doing a gastro rotation right now and talked with the docs there about Emily. They said to increase her meds two more times, and if no improvement to refer her to them so they can scope her.
I really don't want to have to go down the scoping path, so we are praying that the meds will help.
Part of me thinks maybe she is just a difficult child, but then I remember December and part of November and January. She was so pleasant, and happy. It is really easy to get into the thinking that this has always been and probably always will be, because we are talking one and a half months out of 23 that she has been ok.
So there you go, update on Miss Emily.

Warm Fuzzies

As you may or may not know, Matt and I are very involved in children's ministries in our church.
Matt leads the junior class and pathfinders. I float and cover for Kindergarten and Cradle Roll when the need arises and help lead Adventurers. Until this year, we were VBS directors.
We love being involved with the kids.
Today, a family gave us a card and a little gift (ok it was a big gift..one I am still shocked about) and thanked us for being such a good influence on their kids and that they appreciate us and all that we do.
Wow. Someone cares about what we do.
It makes us feel good!

I need more..

hours in the day? days in the week? Something. I need more time. Don't we all though?
This week I dropped my Bible study. I just couldn't do it anymore. I have something going on almost every night of the week, and it was just too much.
But now, I want to add weight watchers. What a foolish idea. If I don't have time for Bible study, how will I have time for WW? Here's my plan. There is a meeting on Tuesday at 6. I have another meeting at church at 7. Maybe I can just do both, and not see Matt much that night. Ugh, I just don't know.
School is going really, really well these days. It is taking us a lot longer than it used to, but it's going well. We've decided to go four months before taking a break, instead of three. Because our first month back would be May, and we'll be gone for two weeks in May.
Once again, I feel like I have much rumbling around in my brain, but just not getting onto the screen well. Oh well.
Emily may have turned another corner. She has had a hard time, which has been hard on me. She was crying all the time again, and that just gets really, really tiring. But they doubled her reflux meds and she finally seems to be doing better. It's only been two days so I hope I'm not jumping the gun. Time will tell!
Thanks for hanging in with me when I disappear for these long periods, I'm just running out of time!