Saturday, January 5, 2013

I remember

Today is Natalie's third birthday. I can hardly believe three years have gone by since she entered our lives.  I love her more than words can express.
When I went back into facebook, I found all of my posts about her birth and events that followed were gone.
I wrote this, because I don't ever want to lose it.

If facebook is gonna take it away, I'm gonna post it again!!
I remember:
I remember being in labor, telling the nurse she was sunny side up. The nurse thought I was nuts. When she was born, the nurse asked how I knew. DUUUUH.
I remember my labor with her hurt SO bad, they gave me a "cocktail" to take the edge off, but it made me sleep, and took away my memory. Slowly, over the next several days, I would remember. I was so sleepy when she was born I could barely hold her. I didn't ask for a cocktail that would make me forget or sleep, I asked for something to just get through the pain. I regret ever getting that.
I remember being in the elevator, smiling at her, so sure she was perfect, and telling her she was breathing so well that she would avoid the NICU.
I remember being in bed, looking at Matt holding her. She just had a diaper on. Swaddled. Matt took the blanket off to look at something, and she was blue. I told him to cover her up, she was cold. How did I not know??
I remember the nurse taking her for a bath.
I remember her not coming back. I told Matt to go check on her, I was too afraid to.
I remember Matt coming back. Telling me the nurse noticed she was dusky, so checked her O2 sats. She was in the 80s.
I remember thinking I would never forget that nurse.
I remember going to the nursery, listening half way to the neonatalogist as he told us they were moving her to NICU, that he couldn't call a cardiologist yet, he had to do a blood gas. I knew then that a cardiologist would be called, I had no doubt.
I remember the kids looking at her through the window. Thinking we would roll her passed them and they could meet her.
I remember being confused when they went the other direction.
I remember telling my mom what was going on, and the kids goodbye, then going downstairs to the NICU.
I remember walking into the NICU and seeing the doctor on the phone, talking about transport, and if that had to be done, how did he arrange it. It was his first night at this hospital. His daughter's name was Natalia.
I remember the cardiologist coming in. He had already been called. Her gasses were bad. I knew it was inevitable.
I remember sitting in the cold, empty hallway with Matt. In silence. We both knew.
I remember it taking too long.
I remember telling Matt that something was definitely wrong, that I knew it wasn't TAPVR, because how could it be? I just knew something else was wrong, prayed it wasn't worse.
I remember a nurse coming out in the hall, after about an hour. She asked us to come to the conference room so the doctor could talk to us. I'm not sure how I got up and walked there.
I remember the card asking us what type of TAPVR Zachy had, and asking us about it. I wanted to tell him to stop asking about Zachy, to tell us about Nannie. Then he did.
I remember him shaking his head in disbelief, "your daughter has the same exact condition as your son"
I remember joking about playing the lottery..if I wasn't joking I would break down right there.
I don't remember anything else about that meeting, except that it was long, and transport was on their way, and all I wanted to do was get out of there and to my baby, we were wasting time.
I remember going to her, holding her, and quietly sobbing.
I made Matt take a picture of her chest, for all I knew, it would be the last picture without a zipper.
I remember transport getting there. So much went into moving her one block away.
I remember them wheeling her away, and just standing there.
I remember going back to my room, and my nurse telling me she believes in a God who answers prayers, and she would be praying. I will never forget her.
I remember Matt leaving, and how very very alone I felt.
I remember posting this status..and I will never forget it... Bekki Williams is.....devastated. We just found out Natalie has the same heart condition as our son.
I remember thinking how crazy life second you are high as a kite, the next as low as low can be.
I remember Matt calling me to tell me she was settled in, her nurse was Wayne (loved him). He told me they had to test her for MRSA and we couldn't hold her without being fully gowned and gloved.
I remember him sending me pictures, and my heart breaking into a million pieces.
This is what I remember of her birthday. The highs of her being here, but mainly the crushing fear and sadness that followed.
The next week would bring open heart surgery. That surgery was almost harder than when Zachy did it. I knew the bad outcomes of TAPVR now. Yes, most TAPVR babies do well, and that's all we were told with Zachy, but by now, I knew too many who didn't do well.
I remember, and I will never forget..even if facebook takes the writing away, I will never forget that day.

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