Alone

Do you ever feel entirely alone in the world?

Like you are the only one going through trials and tribulations? And you can't show yourself to the world, because you have to appear like everyone else?

Do you ever feel like you are the only one who battles internal demons?

I know this is foolish. I know we all have our own battles. It is so hard to see this when you look around and see anything but people fighting battles. I know other people are struggling. I know other people are beyond stressed. I just feel like I'm the only one who isn't strong enough to handle it. I feel weak. I am weak.

I told Matt the other day that I am weak and have absolutely no idea how in the world I have managed to get through my adult life when it has been almost constant stress. Don't get me wrong, we definitely have our non stressful times. Times when we are just flitting through life without a care in the world. But those times seem so overshadowed by the stress we have endured. I am so grateful to have Matt beside me through the good and bad.

I don't know where this post is going, because really, today is a very good day. Not much stress. There are upcoming tests to be done, which will be stressful, but I'll survive.

And I know that ultimately, maybe I'm not as weak as I feel. I've made it this far, that must say something.

OK, ignore this whole post..it is rambly and doesn't make any sense..and today is a good day...it's just been a stressful week.

YAY Maria!!

My friend, Maria, has a little boy born with the same heart defect as Zachy.
She just told me they got their wish granted through Make-A-Wish and will be headed to Disney in April.
I'm so very happy for them...they deserve some carefree time!!

This is not good

Matt is in Ohio for the week. He will return home late Friday night, be home Saturday, and fly out to Arizona on Sunday. Bleh.
I'm exhausted. Just wiped out. I tell you, this is not a good way to start out single motherhood.
And just in case you were keeping track, my sweet little baby will be TWO on March 3. We will have a little family celebration on Saturday when Matt is home. I have no idea what to get for the little darling, and I'm sad there are no friends to share a party with, but it's ok. We'll have our own little shin dig....as long as I don't die from exhaustion first!

Crazy Busy

It's been hard to sit down long enough to write an entry. I'm not sure I'll get through this one either, but I'll try.
School has us very, very busy. We are starting some new things. Matthew and Dillon are participating in the Science Fair this year, so we've been brainstorming. My sister recommended growing bacteria, of course Dillon jumped on that idea. So he will be doing a bacterial experiment of some sort. And Matthew will be growing plants using different types of lights. I'm excited that they are getting this opportunity. I never participated in a science fair, and honestly don't ever remember our school holding one.
We are also taking a stab at lapbooking.

Lapbooking can be done by any learner-- from preschoolers to adults. With this educational method, you make mini-books covering details that you've studied. After making a variety of mini-books about a larger topic, all the books are put together in a large folder. The finished product is called a lapbook because it's large and covers your lap.

The completed lapbook will serve as a review tool as your children refer to it over and over again. And if you have to keep a homeschool portfolio to document learning each year, lapbooks can be a very impressive addition- from http://www.squidoo.com/lapbooking

I've been wanting to try this for years, but it always seemed like so much work. It is not at all. It's fun! I decided that we would learn about Disney World before our trip. So in addition to our regular schooling, we are doing a study of Disneyland (since it was the original). The kids are having a blast with it, and when we are done, I'll post pictures.

The Pathfinders hosted a valentine's banquet at church to help them raise money for Osh Kosh. They raised about $500, but it was an awful lot of work. Matthew told us that night that he was never going to be a pathfinder director because it was too much work. Poor kid!

Emily is doing better after her last med raise. I think, though, that it won't be too awful long before we have to go up again. I cannot believe that her birthday is right around the corner. March 3 will be here soon, and she'll be 2 years old. How did that happen? She has renewed our love for Sandra Boynton books, especially 'Blue Hat, Green Hat'. They have to be the best books ever written. We've also discovered that she is awfully cute in orange! Who wouldda thunk??

Our healthy living group at church is trucking along, and I'm down 9 pounds. It seems to be going soooo slow. It's frustrating. But with the support of the ladies at church, I'm not giving up!

And finally, please keep Zachy in your prayers. He is back to tiring out easily. I hate that. I assume it will be another adjustment to his pacemaker. I just wonder if it will be a life long thing, this tiredness. He is supposed to see his doctor in May, but I'm going to try to get the appointment in April instead since we will be gone most of May.

Phew! That was long, and it took me a very long time to write it. I had to read books and play a game of Candyland during the writing of this post. Thanks for hanging out with me for this long!

CHD Awareness Week

This has been CHD Awareness week, tomorrow is CHD Awareness day.
I'm reposting the information I posted last year.

~~1 in 85 babies in the US will be born with a CHD. This does NOT include the babies who are lost during pregnancy.

~~CHDs are the most common type of birth defect, and the #1 cause of DEATH from a birth defect

~~CHDS are 2 times as likely and kill 2 times as many children as cancer EVERY YEAR

~~ There are 35 known types of CHDs

~~Most Drs believe that CHD is a genetic defect, but new research shows that mothers who take antidepressants and painkillers while pregnant raise the risk of CHD by 3 times.

~~Many children born with a CHD will not live to see their first birthday

~~CHDs are not always found at birth. Some are found years later. And sometimes after death, when it is too late.

~~CHD can NOT be cured. The heart will NEVER be normal. It must be treated for life.

~~Only one penny of every dollar donated to the American Heart Association goes towards pediatric cardiology research.

So many people do not know about CHDs...it doesn't make the news like cancer does. Why is this? The word needs to get out so that research can be done. Zachy's surgery has only been performed for about 40 years. So much can happen in the future, but research needs to be done!!

Hug your children today, and thank God for their hearts...even if they are special hearts.

Just a quick update on Em

For those of you who have been asking, Emily is still struggling.
She went back to the doc yesterday who increased her reflux meds. The doctor is actually doing a gastro rotation right now and talked with the docs there about Emily. They said to increase her meds two more times, and if no improvement to refer her to them so they can scope her.
I really don't want to have to go down the scoping path, so we are praying that the meds will help.
Part of me thinks maybe she is just a difficult child, but then I remember December and part of November and January. She was so pleasant, and happy. It is really easy to get into the thinking that this has always been and probably always will be, because we are talking one and a half months out of 23 that she has been ok.
So there you go, update on Miss Emily.

Warm Fuzzies

As you may or may not know, Matt and I are very involved in children's ministries in our church.
Matt leads the junior class and pathfinders. I float and cover for Kindergarten and Cradle Roll when the need arises and help lead Adventurers. Until this year, we were VBS directors.
We love being involved with the kids.
Today, a family gave us a card and a little gift (ok it was a big gift..one I am still shocked about) and thanked us for being such a good influence on their kids and that they appreciate us and all that we do.
Wow. Someone cares about what we do.
It makes us feel good!

I need more..

hours in the day? days in the week? Something. I need more time. Don't we all though?
This week I dropped my Bible study. I just couldn't do it anymore. I have something going on almost every night of the week, and it was just too much.
But now, I want to add weight watchers. What a foolish idea. If I don't have time for Bible study, how will I have time for WW? Here's my plan. There is a meeting on Tuesday at 6. I have another meeting at church at 7. Maybe I can just do both, and not see Matt much that night. Ugh, I just don't know.
School is going really, really well these days. It is taking us a lot longer than it used to, but it's going well. We've decided to go four months before taking a break, instead of three. Because our first month back would be May, and we'll be gone for two weeks in May.
Once again, I feel like I have much rumbling around in my brain, but just not getting onto the screen well. Oh well.
Emily may have turned another corner. She has had a hard time, which has been hard on me. She was crying all the time again, and that just gets really, really tiring. But they doubled her reflux meds and she finally seems to be doing better. It's only been two days so I hope I'm not jumping the gun. Time will tell!
Thanks for hanging in with me when I disappear for these long periods, I'm just running out of time!

I just really don't want to do anything

I'm tired.
I don't know why. I'm just pooped.
I have things I need to be doing (History lesson with the boys anyone?), and I just don't want to.
I started out today being revved and ready to take on the world. I have no idea where that feeling went. Instead, now I just want to curl up and take a nap.
In Emily news, I hadn't told ya'll that her reflux has been giving her troubles again. And it has been so difficult. The constant crying. The constant nursing. The constant crying.
Took her to the doctor today, fully expecting to be blown off. Last time we were there, the doc said that it wasn't normal for someone her age to still have reflux and if we were still having problems at 2 it was off to the gastro doc we go. So I was just expecting a referral to the gastro, but instead I got an increase in her current meds. We go back in 2 weeks to check the progress. But can I say, "HALLELUJAH!!" Hopefully, this will help things and we can have our happy girl back.
OK, I'm done procrastinating, sort of. I must go teach those kids something from the past. I'm not entirely sure what today's lesson is, but I shall see soon enough.
Oh, and totally unrelated to anything (because that seems to be the theme of this post!) Matt is going backpacking with a bunch of guys from church this weekend. They are going far away, almost to Mexico. I am hoping that he doesn't freeze, cause that would just make me sad.
Keeping up the randomness..how about some pictures?
The kids worked on a cake decorating honor for Pathfinders. Their cakes.





Oh and here's Emily from the Mended Little Hearts Christmas party!

You're not my brother

Overheard the other day.....


Collin, "Zachy you're not my brother, Matthew is"

Zachy, "I am too your brother!"

Collin, "No Zachy, Dillon is your brother. Matthew and me were born with glasses and you and Dillon weren't, so Matthew is my brother and Dillon is yours"

The things these kids think about!

Little Piggies

Yesterday was January 24. Emily will be two on March 3.
I have longed for her hair to grow so I could do something with it. It is growing mullet style. The back is getting quite long. Sides, not so much.
But yesterday...lookie what happened!!


After I put them in, she froze. She wouldn't move from this spot. But then the boys started telling her she was so cute and she finally moved. She kept them in the rest of the day. Of course they fell out a couple times, but she stood still for me to put them back in.



Matt had gone to church early, you should have seen the look on his face when he saw her for the first time! I think he was as excited as me!!



As usual, kids had to pile into a picture with her. And how cute is she, resting her head on Collin's??



As a total aside, the other day we were at the park. I had my camera. Emmie was so funny, she would go somewhere..stop...wait for me to take a picture then move on.

In the market for a new stroller

We are in the market for a stroller.
We know we will have a ton of walking to do at Disney World, and we know that Zachy will not make it.
I think even without his stamina issues he'd have a hard time, but throw in the stamina issues and it's a given.
His activity level is much better these days, but his stamina is still lower than what I would expect.
I find it interesting. I've been conversing with another mom whose son is paced and she says her son also has lower stamina. Her doctor, like ours, seems to think there should be no reason for this. We are beginning to wonder if that is what they say when they don't know. I'm starting to think that he will never been quite as energetic as his counterparts, but that's ok. It is only times like now that it is even an issue.
At any rate, we should be able to get a special pass that will allow us to take a stroller in line with us, making it so we don't have to lug him when he wears out.
So we are looking for a compact stroller, but one that is big enough to hold him.
I don't want to go special needs simply because they are really expensive.
We are currently thinking about a MacLaren stroller and wonder if anyone has experience with them. They are a bit spendy, but I'm thinking it would be quite worth it.
Please let me know if you have any input...if you've never commented..now is the time to do so..I need help!

The Monkey Family Olympics

Last week, the kids learned about the first olympics in Greece.
They learned that the men participated alone, which was good since they competed in the nude.
Can you imagine this? The first olympics consisted of relay races, discuss throwing, high jumps, and javelin throws. In the nude. That's crazy.
So we set out on Sunday to have our own olympic games. Only we were fully clothed.
We went to a park where we had a javelin throw(we used old bamboo tiki torch holders), a discuss throw (frisbee), a relay race (we used sinking water rings), and a long jump.
It was lots of fun, and we decided everyone tied. The prize was a crown (the same sinking water rings) and a whole bunch of fun!
We then piled into the great white to head to Babies R Us. We are in the market for a new stroller. We need something big enough for Zachy at DisneyWorld.
When we pulled Emmie out of the van, we noticed an ant.
I took her into the bathroom and stripped her down. Sixteen stupid fire ant bites all over her torso and arms, and one on her face. The poor thing! She never cried though. What a tough kid.
I'm ending this abruptly because my beloved just got home bringing me flowers. Awww, what a guy!!

One year ago today..

My baby got his first pacemaker.
Our lives changed forever, and yet, not so much.
Zachy's still a normal 5 year old kid.
Sure, we have to be more careful about what he does, and he has a lifetime of surgeries to look forward to, but he is healthy, happy, and normal.
Whatever that is.
I hate that this is part of our lives, but oh so thankful that Zachy is ours and we get to keep him here with us.
I love that boy so much, and am thankful for all the medical advancements that have happened to allow him to live!
We are just so very thankful.

Some people think I'm crazy!

OK, probably a lot of people think I'm crazy. That's ok..I probably am. At least that's what Matt tells me!
Last summer, remember when I was doing all my sewing? Did I ever tell y'all that I was making jammie pants for everyone? I ended up making fourteen pairs of pants for various family members and friends.
I made some for Matthew's best friend, Leanne (for her birthday). Well, Leanne's sister, Clarissa (Dillon's best friend coincidentally) wanted some too. So I said I'd make some for her birthday. Which was yesterday.
So as I was deciding what fabric to use, I found Disney fabrics. So of course I had the brilliant idea to make my kids jammie pants to take to Disney World.
My sister thinks I'm nuts. Matt just thinks I'm me. I don't see anything strange about it at all. Neither did the lady in the fabric department last night. In fact, she thought I was brilliant! I need to get to know that lady!
Anyway, now I need to be cleaning, but I want to be sewing. I know I have to get Clarissa's pants done today to take to her at church tomorrow, but other than that, they can wait.
I just say there can never be enough Disney!!

Hip Hip Hooray!

Matthew had an appointment with the glaucoma doc this morning. His pressure was down! HOORAY!!!
This is such great news. Last med we tried just kind of fizzled out, and it looked like this was going to also. But no! It's still working!
We get six months until the next trip back to see him.
The only downer of the appointment was that Matthew used to be able to make out how many fingers someone was holding up using his right eye. He can no longer do that. He could see the tech's hand waving, but couldn't make anything out. The doc says his eye is very damaged.
In six months they are going to try to do some sort of scan, and if I understand correctly it is to be able to keep track of the damage a bit better. Please correct me if I'm wrong, Papa.
But hooray! The pressure is down and he relatively pain free these days! WOOT!!

How did I survive all of this??

I've been tripping down memory lane, and got to thinking about when Matthew was first born.
The year was 1996, and I was mere 20 years old. We were surprised to find out he had a cleft nose, and later to discover he had a cataract in his right eye.
We were poor. Very poor. Matt worked 3 jobs for quite awhile to make ends meet for us. I had always planned on going back to work after Matthew was born (somehow I didn't know how much daycare cost!) but that would prove impossible, as you will see. This memory simply involves traveling. What it leaves out is the hard time we had with drops, and the terrible things that came with a baby wearing a contact. The good thing I will never forget about this time is how wonderful our family friend and optician, Gary, was to us. I owe that man so much, and will never be able to repay him for all he did for us. I remember many, many times, being in his office, him trying to get a contact in little Matthew's eye. He would always be wearing a sweater, it seems like. It wouldn't take long before he was stripping it off and working in a cooler shirt. He would be sweating up a storm. It was NOT easy, by any stretch of the imagination.
But again..this is about traveling, not those things.

Matthew's eye doctor was a 6 hour drive away. He started seeing him at 2 weeks old. Had his first surgery at one month old. After that, he wore a contact lens in his right eye because they had removed his lens during the first surgery. During his first two years, he would go on to have four more surgeries on his eye.
During the first year, while he wore his contact, we had to go to the doctor every two-three weeks. Well, we were poor and couldn't afford for Matt to take off. We had one car then, so Matt would arrange for people to take him to and from his jobs.
I would drive me and Matthew up there the day before the appointment, spend the night, and come home the next day after his appointment. Sometimes, he would have several appointments with different doctors. On those trips we'd have to stay the night a second night. Many of the appointments were sedated, so that would add another level to it. If they weren't sedated, they would wrap him in a blanket on a papoose board, then use a tiny little speculum to hold his eyelids open while he screamed. These were awful, awful times for me.
OK, so what is crazy to me is...we didn't even have cell phones back then! I would have to wait till I got home, or till that night to be able to call Matt, using a calling card, to tell him what transpired! Often, if I got bad news, I would call my mother-in-law from the hospital pay phone, collect,to tell SOMEONE what had happened.
Also crazy to me is that we toyed with the idea of getting a CB radio. A CB!!! CRAZY!! But there was a mountain pass I had to go over and in the winter it was white knuckle driving. The only reason we didn't get a CB was because we couldn't afford it.
Luckily, Matt was able to be with us for those first surgeries, but nothing else because we just couldn't afford it.
Apropos to nothing, Matthew started having his nose reconstructed when he was 6. He has had 3 surgeries to date on it, Matt has been there for one. The first one, he was in Spain. He was due to be home, but they changed the orders on us, so he was in Spain. The second, he was there for, and the third he was in school, I think it was probably finals week or something. Or else, as usual, we couldn't afford for him to take off from work and pay for a trip.
Somehow, I have managed to do all of this, and survive it! Through the years I have seen more medical procedures done on my children than I thought possible. And I have been there for every one. Holding that sweet child after the procedure.
I don't know how I managed to survive through the early years with Matthew. God was definitely watching out for us.
If I've learned anything through the years, it is that while I may feel weak, I am strong.
I AM A SURVIVOR!

I am so boring!

I know I've been sparse around these parts, I just have nothing to say.
We've started back to school for a couple weeks now and it's been..well..rough. I don't know why. Maybe wintertime blues. Who knows. But no one, including me, is into it yet. Hopefully, soon, we'll be back in the swing of things. Otherwise, one of us might lose their minds!
I also started a weight loss support group at church. Because, you know, I can never have enough to do! I lost a couple pounds last week, which is better than nothing, but dang is it hard work. I did really well until the weekend hit. I just really do not know how to get through the weekends with Matt here. Will power is not my forte and he likes to eat! I did order a Richard Simmons video though to help with that. Hey...don't laugh! I love me some Richard!! Plus, they are relatively easy and I am in horrible shape! Anyway, I can't wait to get it.
I don't quite know why I'm even writing. I have nothing at all to say. Oh hey, how about this..I'll share a code with you!!
Until January 20, you can get a photobook from Hoorray.com for just shipping. Even their most expensive ones. Well, up to the $35 one. I have to say, Shutterfly is MUCH easier to use, but you can't beat the price! The code you enter is bzzalbum. I hope someone gets to use this! I just ordered mine last night, and am looking forward to receiving it!
OK that's it. Nothing else to say. Boring I am!!

The Kingdom calls!

We've made our reservations and will be arriving at the Magic Kingdom on May 2. We will stay 12 days and visit the parks for 10 of those days. All this made possible by the awesomeness of being military. If you are military and don't know, right now you can get 40% Disney resort rooms. And free 5 day passes for the active member with companion tickets for $99 each. If you aren't military they are doing a buy 4 nights get 3 free deal.
I have spent countless hours researching our options and planning this trip. Last night it hit me.
There is a bigger Kingdom calling me. A better Kingdom. And I need to be spending as much time researching It as I have been researching the Magic Kingdom.
Paul told the Corinths that they had been given all the tools they need while they eagerly await the return of Jesus.*
Friends, we have those tools. We have all we need to get to the Kingdom, but we have to spend time in the Word. We need to eagerly be waiting for the return of Jesus, and our trip to the Kingdom.
I know it is so much easier to focus on going to the magic kingdom because it is sooner (maybe!). But I must keep my eyes turned heavenward. I must have the Kingdom in the front of my mind. I must focus on the Heavenly Kingdom.

*1 Corinthians 1-4.

School starts tomorrow

Just a little fun to start your year off right!