Friday, July 17, 2009

I'm angry

I am struggling to write this post.
The last thing I ever want to do is cause someone to struggle in their walk because of something I do or say. Please know that these are my own feelings and I do not want anyone else to feel them on account of me. Keep walking strong!
As for me...I'm angry. God and I are having a disagreement right now. And it's OK. He knows I get angry, and He loves me anyway.
Yesterday, Matthew had an eye appointment. If you are new to this blog, Matthew is 12 years old and has glaucoma in his right eye. The goal for the last several years has been to keep the pressure under control in an effort to 1)preserve the tiny amount of vision in that eye (he can see shadows only, which helps him to avoid running into things) and 2)keep him out of pain.
He has been on several different medications over the years. They start out great, but over time, stop working.
We knew we were getting to the end, we just weren't really ready for it.
His drop is no longer working. And now his cornea is swelling. The question is, is it swelling because of the pressure, or because it is failing? No one really knows.
The doctor mentioned a couple different surgeries that would probably destroy any vision, but may reduce the pressure, and possibly the swelling. It would basically be to ease any pain.
The doctor didn't seem to really think that surgery was worth doing because of the loss of vision.
So, if the pressure continues uncontrolled, it will hurt, and the cornea swelling will hurt.
Eventually, he will most likely lose his eye.
Matthew is growing up, and we've talked with him about what he wants. How much more does he want to be put through?
He has decided that he doesn't want to be in pain, and he doesn't want to lose his eye. He wants to do any surgeries, even if they fail, to try and avoid those two scenarios.
The doctor added another drop, I'm not sure why, and we go back on Monday to see how it's working. I think if it helps, it's just a matter of time before it stops, and the doctor said the same thing.
I feel like the last 13 years have been for nothing. All that he has been through, will he end up losing the eye anyway?? Why have we been put through this trial? For nothing.
OK. OK. I know there must be some reason. I just cannot understand how putting a child through so much for nothing, can possibly be God's will. But then, I'm not God, and I don't see the whole picture.
I know some of you are sitting there thinking, 'what's the big deal, it's just an eye, there are much worse things'. Believe me, I know first hand that there are much worse things, but he's my baby..and well, I'm pregnant so everything seems worse.
I think I'm not so upset by this latest appointment, but I feel like we've lost the battle we've fought for so long. The rotten eye won! We'll show it in the end though, when it's removed, never to torment us again!! HA!
I have always said I would gladly give both my eyes, to fix his one eye. I still mean it. What I wouldn't do to take this all away from him. *sigh*
If only it were that easy.
Let me just say though, that Matthew is the most amazing kid. He takes it all, and doesn't let it get him down. It's gotta be hard, but you'd never know it by looking at him. I'm so proud to be his mom.


Maria said...

Big hugs to you... I know u and your family and all I can say is that ya'll are strong in your faith and God will see you thru this TOO!!! I am so sorry to hear all this....

Sarah Dawn said...

Dear one, just found your site via CSAHM. I don't understand always, I struggle and yell too, but I know that I know that I know that God is good. When I take all my frustrations to Him, He hold me, even when I throw a fit and run away. He will carry your precious one close to His heart and gently lead the mommy.

Delighted to meet you! You amaze me, as I am homeschoolin' as well, but just 2 little ones.

Hugs from this missionary mommy,
Sarah Dawn

Anonymous said...

Bekki, You are so strong and so is Matthew. 13 years were not for nothing. Matthew has had the ability to see the shadows. That has been a real blessing. Now he is growing up as you say and he can make the decisions. Let him do that. Let him feel in control of the situation. Let him feel good about himself. Even in the end if the eye fails Matthew will know he has done everything possible to save that eye. This will make him even stronger.

I love you all so much I would give him one of my eyes but right now they arn't much better then MatthewsLOL.

We all will make it through this just like everything else we have been through. And never forget GOD LOVES YOU AND MATTHEW SO MUCH. In heaven we will understand and be able to say this is what we would have chosen if we had been able to see the future.

Love to you and Matt and all my little munchkins.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bekki! I truly feel that God has led me to your blog today :) You mention in your post "Why have we been put through this trial? For nothing". I immediately felt that you needed to read my first post on my new blog. It is all about trials and why God allows us to go through them; what the purpose is. I encourage you to read it and this trial wasn't for nothing! :)

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