I'm angry

I am struggling to write this post.
The last thing I ever want to do is cause someone to struggle in their walk because of something I do or say. Please know that these are my own feelings and I do not want anyone else to feel them on account of me. Keep walking strong!
As for me...I'm angry. God and I are having a disagreement right now. And it's OK. He knows I get angry, and He loves me anyway.
Yesterday, Matthew had an eye appointment. If you are new to this blog, Matthew is 12 years old and has glaucoma in his right eye. The goal for the last several years has been to keep the pressure under control in an effort to 1)preserve the tiny amount of vision in that eye (he can see shadows only, which helps him to avoid running into things) and 2)keep him out of pain.
He has been on several different medications over the years. They start out great, but over time, stop working.
We knew we were getting to the end, we just weren't really ready for it.
His drop is no longer working. And now his cornea is swelling. The question is, is it swelling because of the pressure, or because it is failing? No one really knows.
The doctor mentioned a couple different surgeries that would probably destroy any vision, but may reduce the pressure, and possibly the swelling. It would basically be to ease any pain.
The doctor didn't seem to really think that surgery was worth doing because of the loss of vision.
So, if the pressure continues uncontrolled, it will hurt, and the cornea swelling will hurt.
Eventually, he will most likely lose his eye.
Matthew is growing up, and we've talked with him about what he wants. How much more does he want to be put through?
He has decided that he doesn't want to be in pain, and he doesn't want to lose his eye. He wants to do any surgeries, even if they fail, to try and avoid those two scenarios.
The doctor added another drop, I'm not sure why, and we go back on Monday to see how it's working. I think if it helps, it's just a matter of time before it stops, and the doctor said the same thing.
I feel like the last 13 years have been for nothing. All that he has been through, will he end up losing the eye anyway?? Why have we been put through this trial? For nothing.
OK. OK. I know there must be some reason. I just cannot understand how putting a child through so much for nothing, can possibly be God's will. But then, I'm not God, and I don't see the whole picture.
I know some of you are sitting there thinking, 'what's the big deal, it's just an eye, there are much worse things'. Believe me, I know first hand that there are much worse things, but he's my baby..and well, I'm pregnant so everything seems worse.
I think I'm not so upset by this latest appointment, but I feel like we've lost the battle we've fought for so long. The rotten eye won! We'll show it in the end though, when it's removed, never to torment us again!! HA!
I have always said I would gladly give both my eyes, to fix his one eye. I still mean it. What I wouldn't do to take this all away from him. *sigh*
If only it were that easy.
Let me just say though, that Matthew is the most amazing kid. He takes it all, and doesn't let it get him down. It's gotta be hard, but you'd never know it by looking at him. I'm so proud to be his mom.