Thursday, December 23, 2010

Once again, I marvel

Once again I'm marveling at God's wisdom.
Last year, at this time, I was heavily pregnant.
Christmas Eve would make me 37 weeks.
Due to a blood clotting issue, my doctor induced me at 37 weeks with Emily. We assumed the same would hold true this time.
I have always wanted a Christmas baby. I cannot imagine a better Christmas gift than a new baby.
I was so excited. This might finally be the Christmas babe I'd dreamt of.
And why not? If the doc induced me right at 37 weeks before, surely she would this time.
I knew no doctor would want to work during the holidays if they had a choice, but I still held out hope.
Except, part of me was nervous about having a Christmas baby. I told Matt that part of me really wanted a Christmas baby, but part of me was terrified. What if something was wrong with this baby? What if this baby passed away? I didn't want Christmas to forever be marred with that memory. Or the memories of open heart surgery.
I knew. Deep inside, I knew.
I look back and I marvel at God's wisdom. I can celebrate Christmas with nothing but the memory of being pregnant. Joyful memories of life within me.
You see, memories of NICU stays and open heart surgery days...they stay with you. Even if your baby goes on to be healthy, those days, they haunt you. January 11 will come, and I will remember the events of that day. I will vividly remember the feelings, seeing her for the first time, the swollen baby, the vent, the incision...all of it will come rushing back.
For Christmas though, only sweet memories linger. I am so grateful.
Thank you God, for always doing what is best for us, even when we dig our heels in and think we know better than You!!

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