Friday, July 14, 2006

Becoming me

This has been a rough week. Sickness and just various other rough things this week. But alas, I think I'm finally able to write an intelligible entry!
My mom has made the comment that I "seem so much better since having that IUD out" Meaning less depressed. I suddenly seem so..Happy. I'm not sure I agree, but whatever.
So I've been thinking about why I might seem that way, and what might really be different.
I've come up with a much different theory than the removal of the IUD.
I call it, becoming me.
You see, my entire life I've felt like I'm living in someone's shadow.
Growing up, I was either, Dr. B's daugher, or Aimee's little sister. When my mom got remarried, she married a school counselor. We moved and I immediately became, Mr. M's step daughter. I was thrilled when I switched school's my Junior year. FINALLY, I would just be Bekki. No one would know any of my family. Unfortunately, they all knew Matt, and I instantly became Matt's girlfriend.
On and on it has gone. It hasn't helped that I have basically followed my mom around the country. Every church we went to, mom and D were members already, and we became their kids. Coming here was ok, initially though, I was Lt. W's wife. But I am Bekki. I am an adult. Something I haven't ever really felt like.
We are very involved in church and I am Bekki. No one knows any other members of our families and it has, in a lot of ways, been so much easier.
Have you ever been to a church potluck? Have you ever noticed the kitchen? Where all the women stand and do dishes and talk away. That was always my mom's place. But here, I am one of the women standing in the kitchen, getting to know everyone for myself, and not through my mom, or anyone else.
I am finally becoming me, and I think I like it. And I think it has lifted my mood.
Of course, I still have my bad days, but who doesn't. All in all, life is just getting good.
Really, really good.


Papa said...

It's called growing up. And it take a lifetime!
A necessary part of growing up is seeing yourself as an individual. Another is seeing your parents as individuals as well.
It's fun for me to try to think, "o.k. I'm xx years old. what was my dad doing at that age?""what were his concerns, struggles?""What was he thinking".
Love you TONS!

Mama Gina said...

thats awesome hon!

Maria said...

that IS a great feeling! so happy for you that you have gone there :) glad that life is gett ing REALLY GOOD!!! :)

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