Fear

Today, as Emmie was sitting at Matthew's feet, bobbing up and down with her arms in the air, signalling him to pick her up, I was reminded of something.
After Zachy was born, we would ask the kids if they ever wanted another baby. Matthew's response was always a very hesitant yes. We would ask him why he hesitated, and he would tell us that he very much would like another baby in the family, but that he was afraid that the baby would be sick like Zachy.
And we were too. We let that fear grip us for quite awhile.
But then, I fell pregnant. And I was very frightened. I think people assume that we went into another baby completely lighthearted and carefree. In reality, nothing could have been further from the truth. We saw all the specialists I was supposed to see, and still, we were afraid. When I first went to the doctor, I was asked if I wanted to abort. Why? Because she was my fifth? I don't think so. When I first went in, I was a wreck. I told the doctor I was terrified, and wasn't sure if I was able to do this. But I never meant I wanted to abort. I had faith that no matter what was to be, God would carry us through. But still, I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn't like what it was God was about to carry us through. I was afraid that our lives would forever be changed. I was afraid our baby would die. I was afraid of seeing another baby in pain. I wasn't sure I could handle open heart surgery again, and I knew it wasn't the worst thing possible. I was afraid.
And I was afraid all throughout my pregnancy. You may remember me touring all the hospitals. All I was looking for was the NICU. How well they were equipped to handle my baby. It was something I could control, where this baby would be born.
And then she was born. All pink and perfect. All I said when she was born was, "she's pink" over and over. I sobbed. She was pink. And she cried. And suddenly, all was right in the world.
And then she was taken to the NICU because her breathing was labored. And everything they were telling me about her, was the same thing they had told me about Zachy. And I was afraid.
And now, in less than one week, that perfect pink baby, will be one year old. And she is perfect.
And I was watching how deeply she loves Matthew, and how deeply he loves her, and I was hit with this thought...you cannot let fear rule your life. If you do, you will miss out on some very wonderful things, and people.
I can't imagine life without our Emmie. And I know Matthew can't either. And had we let our fear run our lives, we wouldn't have her.
I need to learn to forever been leaning on the everlasting arms of my Lord. And then, the fear won't be there. I think I always try to take it back. I need to just give it. Because He always takes care of us. Even if something horrible had happened, He would carry us through.