Could y'all pray for me?

There are people in my life that I very much need to forgive.
But, quite frankly, I am hating them right now.
I know this is awful. Hate is as bad a murder...but still...I have this hatred. And I hate that I have this hatred.
The only way I know how to deal with this is through prayer. I honestly have no other ideas. I don't want to hate these individuals. I really don't. But I don't know how to take it away. I don't know how to forgive them for the pain they have inflicted on me. And not to just say it. To really mean it. Because honestly, I've said many times over the years that I forgive these people, but I must not, because I still have the hatred.
So please, just pray for me, that I might overcome these feelings, and be able to truly forgive.

Spinning my wheels

Today is one of those days.
One of those days where I feel like I'm working and working, yet nothing seems to be getting done.
I need a maid.

Just to clarify

In my last post, I wrote that what my sister was going through was killing us.
I want to clarify, and say that we are so optimistic about how this will all turn out. What is killing us is what my sister and brother in law are going through. We know, to some degree, what they are going through. And it is something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I can't pretend to know exactly what they're going through, because everyone deals differently with things, but I know the jist. And it stinks.
I just wanted you all to know, that we really are very optimistic about the outcome of all of this, it is just this in between time that is hard.

As my sister says...

Life's hard...eat ice cream.

Boy is she right.

A kid at our old church, who isn't really a kid anymore, was in a serious car accident two nights ago. Serious brain injuries. Matt and I are sick over it. We have always said, 'if our kids turn out as good as their kids, we will have done well' And it's so true. Such a good good family. Please say a little prayer for them.

And my sister is going through some really rough stuff. I don't think I'm a liberty to talk about it here, but dang..it is really rough. And it's something that is also killing Matt and myself.

A lady on my heart list just lost her son. Totally unexpectedly. So sad.

Bad things happening all around.

BUT...in good news..Zachy seems to be doing well. Except the last couple days he's been really pale and pretty tired. If it keeps up, I will probably call the doctor. I don't know how long it takes to recover from an 8 hour surgery. But he was doing pretty well, and then whammy...exhaustion and pale pale paleness. Hopefully, he'll be all bettr tomorrow.

Emmie has her fifth tooth. She sure is a slow teether. And she is now standing in the middle of the room, and has taken two steps. It's all downhill from here!

I'm trying to lose weight, so I'm not going to go get ice cream, but we are definitely trying to celebrate the little things. For instance, tonight we all blew bubbles at Dillon because he FINALLY spelled could, should and would correctly.

We must celebrate the little things, because they may be all we have. So, go get some ice cream, and find something to celebrate...even if it is just making it through the day.

Post op appointment

Matthew and Dillon are at a birthday party. Matt is watching Scooby Doo with Zachy and Collin, and Emmie is sitting here happily chewing on a lid. So, instead of doing some much needed cleaning, I'm stealing a few moments to talk about Zachy's appiontment on Friday.

It was all very interesting. His regular cardiologist saw us in the hall so he came in to talk to us about things. He asked if we'd seen any difference. I told him that I hadn't, other than not being able to see his pulse. He told me that this was totally normal, and that he would expect it to take up to six months to see an increase in energy. I explained to him that I was having such a hard time wrapping my head around things. I mean, I get that his heart is beating more efficiently, but it just seems like he would tire out just from it beating so much faster. He told me some specific things about the workings of the heart, and explained that Zach had been running on about 30% less blood flow than normal. And that now his heart is beating at an acceptable rate, where as before it was not. But he said that his body has been running on this decreased blood flow for so long that it would take awhile for it to figure out what was happening, and adjust it's energy levels and whatnot.
Then the pacemaker doc came in and talked with us about the pacemaker. Right now it is set to go if his rate drops below 80 bpm. Which is basically, all the time. In three weeks, we will see him again and he will lower this threshold. Our hearts have several of their own pacemakers. And his has been running on a back up pacemaker for a long time. He said he isn't going to totally prevent that, because that part of his heart has been working for so long that way. And if he did totally prevent it, we would be lucky to get the battery to last 3 years. For now, we are going to try to get the battery to last at least 5 years. But his heart is so slow, that we might not make 5 years. Talk about depressing! But that's the goal.
Friday, we received the machine that will transmit the pacemaker info via the phone line. Zachy was pretty excited about it. Of course, it will be quite awhile before we use it, because we'll be seeing the doctor routinely for several months.
He also told us that where the vein was narrowed, was where his pulmonary veins were initially connected, so that is why it was narrow.
And through all of this, we are thinking that Zachy has a nickel allergy. He has had several reactions to metal in the past. Where the metal was on the pulse ox is still a sore on his thumb.
Anyway, things look good. And things are more clear now. It's all so much to take in. I imagine over the course of the next appointments they will become even more clear.
I'm just really glad to have this behind us now. Zachy acts like he never even had surgery. Kids are so amazing, they bounce back so quickly.

So very strange

Last night, Emmie wanted nothing to do with me. She would go to Matthew and cry for him to pick him up. Once, Matthew came and sat by me, and she climbed far over on his lap.
Then, Matt had her. Same thing. No matter what I tried, she would climb up on Matt to get away from me.
Finally, Matt said, "she's acting like she doesn't know you"
It then occurred to me that my hair was in a pony tail. So I took it down.
She immediately started cuddling with me, with huge smiles. It was like she was saying, "I missed you so much". It was really quite odd.
I put it back up later, and she got a bit leery again. Once I took it down, she was all smiles again.
Silly girl!

Toothless

Matthew had 7 teeth pulled this morning. He now has one molar on the top, and his front 10 teeth. Poor thing.
They said it took longer to get him to sleep than to get the teeth out. He's doing well now, but keeps complaining about the taste of the gas in his mouth.
Glad that is over with!

grr

Those pictures were too big. So here they are. The descriptions are in the post below. Sorry.

Pictures

I'm happy to say that Zachy is doing great. I've also noticed that I can no longer see his pulse pulsing in his neck. It used to be that I could see it from several feet away. His heart must be working pretty efficiently. I did feel his pulse, and it was so wierd...I had a hard time finding it. And then, it was pretty fast. I didn't count it since I know it isn't below 80, but it just felt really wierd. HOORAY!!
Anyway, here are some pictures from the surgery.

Waiting to have vitals taken.



Here we are in the pre op area. It was actually in the cath lab, and we were the only ones there. As a result, they allowed all the boys and grandparents back with him to give hugs and kisses. It was nice. They also didn't change him out of his clothes and into a gown until he was on the bed and out.
He had just had versed and was starting to relax a little.


And now the versed has kicked in and he is really silly.



Waiting in the waiting room, for 8 long, long hours.

Matthew


Dillon


Collin with grandma and grandpa


Grandma


Emmie


Finally done and in his room.


Day after surgery


Collin helping entertain him.


On these pictures, you can see white marks amongst the green. The white is everytime the pacemaker strikes. He would go several minutes with no strikes, then several with them.



Incision is on the left pec.


Playing in the playroom on Thursday.



Picture Matthew drew for him, of him. The pacemaker is down below his heart.


Watching TV in a wagon. We had taken a ride around the ward, and he decided he needed to stay in the wagon.



Bandages covering the pressure marks on his back. They were very sore red marks across his upper back. It was what he complained about more than anything. I'm happy to say they are almost gone now. And I don't know why I don't have pictures of the marks. Other than the fact that he would scream anytime we got near his back.



Visits from everyone


And finally, he got to come home. His mood suddenly changed and he started singing songs.

Zachy is home!

Whew, what a couple of days this has been.
Zachy's surgery was scheduled for Wednesday at 10:30. We arrived at the hospital at 9 am. While we were working on all the vitals and whatnot, the doc came in to talk to us. We talked about all the risks and whatnot. He told me he didn't expect any complications and that it should be pretty straight forward. He figured it would take 2-3 hours from start to finish.
We then moved upstairs to the cath lab, and they gave him some versed. He had been totally silent before the versed kicked in. Finally, he started smiling. As soon as the versed kicked in, they took us to the lab where they would do the surgery. They put the mask on him to gas him down, and he started laughing. It was so funny. Matthew has always fought the gas mask, but Zachy just laughed and laughed. He had the hiccoughs from laughing so much. Finally, he was asleep and we kissed him goodbye.
The plan was to get an IV in and shoot contrast up his arm to make sure his veins were open enough to get the leads in. After a bit, the doc came out to tell us that the veins were indeed wide open and he would proceed with the surgery as planned.
The next update was from a nurse who told us he was making the pocket in his chest where the generator would be placed.
I don't know how much time went by, but the next update was from the doctor. He came out with an x-ray to show us what was going on. He had been having a hard time getting the leads through his veins and couldn't figure out why. So he decided to do a heart cath and find out why out. He tried in his right leg, but for some reason was unable to get anything in that vein. It's a mystery why that artery is so small. But after that he went to his left leg and was able to go in that way. Once up there, he was able to see that while the veins were wide out far from his heart, closer in it was very narrow. He told us he had called in another doctor to decide if they should just balloon up the vein and leave it, or balloon it and place a stent to hold it open. The concern was that if they ballooned it and didn't put a stent in, then the vein would eventually collapse around the lead over time. My understanding is that this wouldn't be a big deal, but they would like to avoid that.
We waiting for probably an hour for the other doc to get there. We saw her come in, and it wasn't long before she came back out. The two of them told us they decided the best thing to do would be to place a stent, so we agreed to that. They told us one of the risks would be the stent being pushed out of place, but they said there was a very small risk of that, like 2%. So we consented to that part of the surgery.
The next update came when the second doc came out and told us the stent was in place and the first doc would be proceeding as planned. PHEW!!
Time went by, and I told Matt something must have gone wrong, because it was taking too long.
The second doc came back out to let us know that while they were feeding the lead through, the stent was pushed out of place. They decided to pull it down to his leg so that if he needs another heart cath, they will have a place to get at.
It wasn't too long after that that a nurse came to tell us he had been able to get the leads across the narrow vein. It wouldn't be long now.
But that wasn't the case. Again, I told Matt that something was wrong and it was taking too long.
Finally, the nurse came and said the doctor was closing up.
When he came out to talk to us he told us that due to all the scar tissue in his right atria it was very hard to place the lead. It finally got placed though, and they were done.
A 2-3 hour surgery ended up taking 8 hours. My poor baby. He went through so much.
Since then he has done really well. He stayed in the hospital about 48 hours to get IV antibiotics. But has really done great pain wise. The thing that bothers him the most is his back. He has red marks on his back from being on the table so long. And they are very sensitive. That's all that he really complains about. Right now, he is telling me his armpit is hurting, so he's had some tylenol.
Matt was able to stay with him both nights at the hospital.
While in the hospital they had his monitor showing when the pacemaker would go off. It was really interesting to watch. He would go for several minutes just fine. Then he would be paced for several minutes. They have it set for if his rate falls below 80 beats per minute.
We go back to the doctor next week, but for now he is comfortable at home.
Thank you for all your prayers. It was hairy, but the end result is good.

Already

Tomorrow's the big day.
I've been really preoccupied this week. But that stress has now subsided...and I'm so not ready for this.
simple procedure....simple procedure....simple procedure.... But still...he's my baby...and this involves his heart...and wel...he's my baby.
Pray for us.

Would you believe it..I'm still alive!

It's occured to me that sometimes when I'm stressed, or worried, I just don't function well.
I mean, I do in my day to day life, but to do extra, like blog, forget it.
Zachy's surgery is approaching at such a rapid speed, it's making my head spin.
My mom is here, and Matt's parents will be here tomorrow.
Zachy is so looking forward to going to the hospital. He knows there will be goodies for him. He also knows that he will go to sleep, and that he will get good medicine to help him not hurt. But dang, it's still so hard. I hurt just thinking of him going under.
It's so hard. I hate seeing my kids hurt. As any mother would. *Sigh*
We've been occupying ourselves with the Wii. My mom is playing tennis behind me. It's funny to hear her blame things on the remote. Sounds just like me.
Everyone is doing well.
Matthew is scheduled to have 7 teeth pulled on the 22nd. That should be fun too. At least Matt will have the week off. I imagine he will probably be the one to take Matthew in, because Zachy will still be out of commission.
Collin is wearing his contacts great. And with his new glasses to correct his astigmatism he is seeing 20/30. Can you believe it? It is so wonderful. He has never seen that well before. Yesterday, he looked up and said, "hey, an airplane"
Dill and Em are pretty uneventful. They just truck along, growing up way too fast.
I'll try hard to update after surgery, if not before then, but I can't make any promises.
Until then, peace be with you.