Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Why'd I have to ask??

Do you ever say something, or ask a question, and immediately wish you hadn't done it?
I did. Today. Only it wasn't immediate. It was after the answer was given that I realized I really didn't want to know. Too late. Now I have to deal with my feelings about it.
Zachy had an appointment with his electrophysiologist today. The good great news is that he was able to lower the energies of his pacemaker significantly. The machine says that with these settings his battery should last eight years. Which is a huge improvement over 3-6 years. The doctor said he was sure it'd last until he was ten, probably longer. Praise the Lord. Turns out, his leads were placed in a prime position that requires less energy to be used to let the heart know to beat. If you ask me, God was in control of that. You see, the doctor struggled with getting the leads placed. His right atrium was full of scar tissue from his previous surgery. So to have them placed right where they should be..none other than God.
And then, I asked him. I asked him what Zachy's life expectancy was. Because no one has ever told us. Because really, kids with TAPVR are just now starting to live into adulthood, so it's really an unknown. But based on his repair, and now the pacemaker the doctor said he should live into his 50's or 60's. And this is really going on having a pacemaker, not really taking into account the TAPVR.

This isn't long enough.

I know nothing is certain. I know that. And I also know how blessed we are to be able to raise him into adulthood, when so many other parents don't get that. But still. I'm sad.
I just need to process this. Then I can move on, and focus on the good.
The doctor told us that he fully expects there to be better technology in Zachy's life that could greatly extend his life. And I believe that. I just need to get through this right now. The possibility.
And I'm not sad for us. I'm sad for his wife, his children, his grandchildren. How much they will miss out on a wonderful person.
I know it's not the end. I have faith in a wonderful God who doesn't want His children to hurt. Someday, all of this will be of no matter. And that's what truly matters.
Like I said, I just need to process all of this so I can move on.


Becoming Me said...

I am praising God for the Good News and praying for your hurts.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're hurting. I suppose the other good news is that this answer was given today. Thankfully in 10, 15, 35 years - the answer will be vastly different.

Bella @ Lil Daisies said...

I came over through BlogHer lines...
I was touched by your post.
Be assured that God loves you and that He understands how much you are hurting. God promises you in Isaiah 43:2 that when you go through deep waters and great trouble, He will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Run to the shelter of the Most High where you will find sweet rest (Psalm 91:1-2).


Maria said...

awww..you got me going....teary eye and thinking of my beautiful matthew....his life has been so full of miracles that to think of it being shorter than FOREVER is just hard...but i know, that THRU GOD all things are POSSIBLE---matthew 19:26 i know that GOD put our children here for a REASON...HE has seen fit to HEAL them and to continue to AMAZE us with HIS love and HIS blessing on them and US!! i know that your little guy is a MIRACLE just as mine is....we are so BLESSED and as you know, we take each beautiful day with them as a BLESSING....

take care girl and always look at the MIRACLE HE IS...

love ya..

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