Is it too early to say...

that I can't wait for Christmas??
We've been listening to Christmas music for weeks now, and I so cannot wait for it to get here.
Maybe even Thanksgiving. I will just be glad to be done with September and October. September will drag out forever, because there is absolutely nothing happening.
October is Dillon's birthday, but we aren't doing anything big for it since he had a big birthday party last year. We will probably just celebrate as a family.
I guess there is Halloween to look forward to, but it isn't really an exciting time for me. Now, if I were my bil and sil I would be dying for it to get here. They love halloween, to me it is the biggest waste of money ever. The good news is that we don't have to pass out candy here because no one lives here anymore! It's just a wasteful time to me.
I don't know how much I will look forward to Thanksgiving. It will just be us, and how much fun will it be to cook all day for us? But I will. YUMMMM Pumpkin pie!! Just wish Matt's grandma could fedex me some rolls!!
Anyway, I love love love the christmas season. I love the lights. I love the music. I love the spirit in the air. I just wish it would be a bit nippy at least here, but it probably won't be. But still, we can pretend.
And the day after Christmas starts my third trimester! That is insane! I'm so used to barely being pg at Christmas time that it is hard for me to wrap my brain around being big and pregnant and christmastime!
Anyway, I just can't wait!

COCKROACHES!!!

UGH! I HATE cockroaches. They are nasty, nasty, nasty! And they are infesting my home!
Since Friday we have killed six of the stupid boogers. And they are so big that I'm quite sure they will just up and carry my house away at any moment!
All of our neighbors have had their homes exterminated, and drove the roaches to my house.
We could have them exterminated, but the dr said that while I'm pregnant I need to be able to leave the house for 48 hours after the fumigation. This is tough, because we call the exterminator, and then whenever they come, they come. There is no scheduling it. Which means if it isn't a Friday, Matt can't leave. I guess he could, we'd just have to stay in town. Which wouldn't be awful, but it would kind of be a fun excuse to get away!
I can tell you this much....no amount of money in the world would make me put one of these things in my mouth! The fact that people eat them on Fear Factor all the time disgusts me. I don't even want to touch them! Gross!

Stupid pregnant dreams

I have had such horrible dreams this pregnancy. I've only had a few good dreams.
Last night was no exception.
I was upstairs and heard my phone ringing, there was no way I could get to it, so I tried to hear my answering machine, but could barely make out what was being said. It must have been somewhere in the night, because I went right to bed after the call.
Later, in the middle of the night, the phone rang again. This time I could hear it.
It was my cousin, Jennifer's dad, calling to tell me her baby had died during his surgery.
Next thing I knew, I was with all my family at the hospital. Her baby had died during open heart surgery. Everyone was so calm. She was saying it was just meant to be, and I was thinking the poor girl was in shock. I asked if I could see him, but they wouldn't let me. At that point, I asked if they ever had gotten a diagnosis. She replied, "yeah, it was TAPVR"
I flipped out. I was in hysterics. No one could calm me down. I knew that if her baby had TAPVR and Zachy had TAPVR, it had to be genetic, and I was pregnant, and it was highly possible that this baby would have TAPVR.
I was having a panic attack, and thinking that I had to write it in my blog, and post pictures of him.
I knew I had some on my digital camera. But when I went to find them, I came across a picture of me in the water, behind a chain link fence. Which took me back to my sister and me being stuck in a cage in the water surrounded by sharks.
We were fighting them off with everything we had, but they were in the cage with us. And someone was taking pictures!
We were obviously ok, because I was looking at the pictures of it.
I kept thinking, 'I have to find the pictures of the baby!!'
Eventually I did. But they weren't good, and I had already made them into scrapbook layouts, so I was trying to scan them to post them, but they were too big.
The whole thing had me in such a panic. I kept waking up, so scared that this baby has TAPVR, then would fall asleep and be right back in the same dream.

At least in this dream I didn't hate Matt, which is what happens a lot of times in my dreams. *sigh* I just want to dream pleasant dreams.

Double Digits....Take two

Ten years ago, at this time, I was in labor for the very first time.
I had no idea at that moment, how profoundly my life would be changed. How at the moment that perfect baby was laid on my stomach, I would be a mom. I didn't know that at the moment I took one look at him, I would fall more deeply in love with him, than I ever knew possible. That this was unconditional love, unlike anything I'd ever experienced before.
I didn't realize just what being a mom meant. I never truly understood the phrase "wearing your heart on your sleeve". I didn't know it was possible to hurt a hurt so deep, at the sight of my little one hurting. I would say that I would die for Matt, and I think I might, but there isn't a doubt in my mind, that I would die a million deaths, for the life we created.
I said he'd be my baby forever.
And now...here he is..10 years old. Where has the time gone? How did this happen? Wasn't he just laid upon my belly. I can remember it so clearly. How could it possibly have happened 10 years ago. It seems like yesterday.
He has grown into a fine young man. You wonder what your children will grow to be. And yet, as they grow, you know this was the person you always knew they's be. He is exactly who he should be.
He is awesome. He is so kind hearted. He loves his brothers with a love so fierce. He is smart, and funny. And oh so handsome. He is the most creative person I know. The one who can create anything out of nothing. He has a red hot temper, that sometimes gets him in trouble. But it isn't ever a hateful thing, just an irritated explosion.
He is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. He is so much fun as he is growing up. It is fun to sit and tease with him and watch Matt and him wrestle. I wish these times would last forever.
I love this boy more than life itself, and feel so incredibly blessed to have him in our lives.
Happy birthday, Matthew, you bring me more joy than you could ever imagine. I love you so much.

Today's appt.

I had my 10 week appointment today. It brings some changes.
Not with the baby, but with our healthcare.
Basically, I have been stressed about using military drs for this pregnancy. This is the 4th time I've been seen, and each time, I've been told something different as far as who will see me.
Originally, it was that I would be in the complicated pregnancy clinic, and watched and tested to prepare for any defects we might get. However, when the dr I saw at 6 weeks talked to them, they said no, they wouldn't see me. That there was no need for a fetal echo, or a level 2 u/s. They said I could have the normal u/s at 20 weeks and if alerted them to any problems, THEN they would see me.
Folks, I haven't had a normal u/s since after Matthew was born. I've always had level 2s. AND, they won't do a fetal echo? I said to Matt, "I wonder what you have to do to get one" I mean, isn't have a baby with a heart defect enough? It is in the civilian world.
And today was just a mess. Of course they had no record of me ever being seen. I was supposed to tell them I'd had an u/s so that I wouldn't get one today. I figured if it was that important, it would be in my records. But no. No record of anything. Not only that, but the lady didn't even look at my chart enough to see if I'd ever been pregnant before. OK people, it says on the FIRST page of my chart. I know this because I had to fill out my chart the first time.
I was told by the nurse that I would get an u/s today, so that was good. I went in, they listened for the heartbeat, and didn't hear it. Then she said to get dressed. I said, "so is that it? you're just going to let me leave with no heartbeat?" She said, "oh, did you want an u/s? I thought you would just want to wait it out" Now normally, had they never said anything about me getting one to begin with, I wouldn't really have thought about it, but they told me I would have one, so I said, "yes, I want one...I need to know this baby isn't dead!"
The other totally odd thing is that they don't do routine urine tests, only if you have UTI symptoms...hmmmmm...what a crock.
So, I had my ultra sound, and I cried. The baby is so cute. And he was wiggling around. His heartrate was 176 beats per minute. He was just so perfect.
Unfortunately, the pictures you get printed never look as good as what is on the screen, and then the scanning made it look even worse, but that's our baby down there. Matt saw the picture and said, "oh...he looks like a baby!!" He said that excitedly, not like, "oh yippee..a baby" LOL
OK, before I show you the picture I have to finish with our plan. I called around and found a very nice practice. I'm basing this on the receptionist. I know that maybe I can't do that, but it means a lot to me when the receptionist will talk to me totally unrushed and tells me what my options are. It didn't hurt that she is military as well, so knew what she is talking about.
Basically, we are changing our insurance plan to one that allows us to see civilian drs. We will have to deal with a co-pay, but it will be pretty small. I will get to deliver at the hospital where their ped. has privledges, and also they have the heart center and a NICU. (YAY Maria..I'll deliver at Methodist!!) The peace of mind this gives me is so huge, you have no idea. I feel so at peace about this decision and will feel MUCH more confident about my care, and the baby's after birth. It took a LOT for the regular nurses to listen to us and check Zachy out, and residents would be doing the checking of this baby. There is NO way I would feel ok about that.
So that is the new plan. We have to go through the hoops and get things switched around, but I have an appt. scheduled with the new dr on Sept. 19. I'm so relieved.
Without further ado...BabyV, our cutie patootie!! The legs are on the left, his arms were all over the place, but at the time of the picture you can't see them..grrr. Oh well...he's still cute!! (And in case you are wondering, no we don't know the sex, too early for that, we just assume he will be another boy!!)

Double Digits

I hit 10 weeks today. Hooray for double digits!
30 more weeks to go! Man, that seems like an eternity.
However, last night we went to the craft store and lo and behold, what should greet us at the door but CHRISTMAS TREES!!! Now, if all the stores start putting up their Christmas decor this early, the rest of this year is sure to fly by! If they don't, I'll just go live at Hobby Lobby and pretend it is close to christmas!
I was reading through old journal entries and discovered that at 13 weeks I was feeling great with Zachy. I am soo hoping that is the deal this time. I am ready to feel great! I am so close to 13 weeks I can taste it! And it doesn't taste like vomit...hooray!

Another one bites the dust

Dillon lost a tooth yesterday. He tried so hard to get it out, and was thrilled when it finally came out. The boy was desperate though, he even told Matt and me that if we could get it out, he would give us his tooth fairy money! It was too slippery for us though, so he got to keep his money.
I thought it was funny though, because he pulled it out in the bathroom, then came running out and said, 'I GOT IT!!! Do you know what the first thing you do when you pull a tooth is? Take a picture...here's the camera!"
And so, without further ado, the pictures of his tooth and his grin. Silly kid!

I'm an auntie and other business

My sil had her baby this morning! Right on her due date, that stinker! Anyway, little Parker was born at 4 this morning and they say he is doing great! I wish we were there to meet him.
It's always so exciting to have new little people to love. Congrats mom and dad and big brother!!
In other news, a man just came by to do a furnace inspection. Man, did he stink. And I bet he didn't smell to anyone but me. But smells are what sends me over the edge. I had to let him do his thing, cause I figured it would be rude of me to tell him to please leave and send someone sweeter smelling.
In reality, it doesn't really matter how good something smells, it still makes me sick. The other morning, Matt was getting ready in the bathroom and didn't turn on the fan. I was throwing up before I got to eat anything that morning. The smell was just too much. Now he knows to turn on that fan!
Behind my computer, I have pictures put up all over my desk. There is a newborn picture of Dillon up there. I so can't wait to have another newborn! Course it could just be because everyone has popped out their babies! Oh well, my friend Erin and me will just be pregnant all by our lonesomes!!

Little bitty snails

Matt has informed me that our baby's cochlea is forming right now.
I don't know how many of you recall our experience with snails about 4 years ago, but we had a fish tank with loads of teeny tiny snails. No matter what we did, we couldn't get rid of them. They took over the whole tank.
Well, now all I can think about is all these teeny tiny snails, and how that is what the insides of V's ears are looking right now!
In case you aren't following this post at all, the cochlea is the inside of your ear that is shaped like a snail.

I just want to get away

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I just want to get away. I would love to just go away for a weekend, and do nothing.
It occured to me this morning, that we have lived here a year now, and we spent one night in Houston back in May, but the rest of the time we have been here...every...single...day...and...night. *sigh*
I just want a break.
I think this has all been brought on by the fact that my neighbor was talking about the traveling they will be doing for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.
I can't wait for the holidays. Only they won't be how I picture holidays. It won't be cold. Shoot, it probably won't even be cool. There will be no snow. There will be no fall. And, the biggie, there will be no family.
Unless someone has something planned that we don't know about, we will be alone for these holidays. Boohoo.
Anyway, just feeling down today, wish I could go somewhere and let it all go. But alas...

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile since I updated. Sorry. It is just really hard to sit here and write these days. Don't know why, it just is. I can sit and read emails, and other blogs, but to write...blech.
So, in the last 5 days, tons has happened! OK, not tons, but big moments in this house!
For starters, on the 5th my baby turned 3 years old! How is that possible? How can he already be 3? It's exactly as they say, time flies when you're having fun.
We had a big party for Zachy and Collin on the 6th. It was a Shamu party, and my friend made an awesome shamu cake. There were about 25 people here, including adults. But it dawned on me that this is the first time my mom has missed Collin's birthday.
The party was rough though. It hasn't rained here for ages, and it was 104 an hour before the party. We had planned on the kids all just playing outside and the party being outside. An hour before the party, a huge storm blew in, with no warning, and poured, and the wind blew hard. It was crazy. The kids did play outside but it was pretty soggy and muddy. We were still able to whack the pinata though!
So, why did we have Collin's party on the 6th? Because his birthday is today! He is FIVE! On my goodness! That is so old, half way to ten!
I wish I could freeze those two at these ages. They are both so cute. But alas, time keeps on marching.
Soon, we'll be able to celebrate these years all over again with the new little bean.
So those are the big moments! I guess it was just two, but they are both big moments to me.
In other news, Matt told my mil the other day that I was feeling much better. He got off the phone and I asked him whose house he had been living in. I am not feeling any better, possibly worse. But, in a month, the second trimester will be here, and hopefully I will feel better then.
I was reading old journal entries from when I was pg with Collin and Zachy, and it turns out that I was this sick with them too, I just don't remember it! The mommy amnesia is a wonderful thing. In fact, reading the entries I was thinking, 'de ja vu' the whole time. Crazy.
Currently, Matthew and Dillon are at the movies with the neighbor girl. Today is her birthday too, so her mom took her and the boys to see the movies. I have her son while they are gone. He is 4 so plays well with Z and C.
Let's see, what else has been happening? I think that's about it.
I was going to put pictures of their birthday on here, but blogger is being stupid and won't let me!

Baby "V"

Matthew has named this baby, "V" as in the roman numeral five. Silly goose.
Anyway, I've been sick sick sick, and it's not been that much fun, but it's all for the cause, right?
Today, I had an ultra sound and V was right on track. So cute, wiggling around. Heartbeat was in the 150s. YAY!!
Things are looking good!
I'm sure it is really difficult to see, but the white thing in the middle is V. I was really surprised at the cruddiness of the equipment being used, definitely not the best u/s I've ever had. Oh well.

Anyone wanna volunteer?

I need someone to teach me how to make authentic rice and beans, with some piping hot tortillas.
I have been craving mexican food sooo bad, and right now I want nothing else but rice and beans wrapped in a tortilla.
Maria...do you know how??

Let the journey begin

And just like that, baby number 5 is on it's way. Due to arrive towards the end of March.

I am so incredibly sick this go around, that I can barely function. The dr gave me phenergan on Monday. I go back on Wednesday and if the phenergan wasn't doing the trick she is going to perscribe something else. Wednesday can't get here soon enough.

The boys are beyond thrilled. Matthew is sure this will finally be a girl. Dillon says boy. Collin says, "I know..I want a baby sister AND a baby brother" Zachy doesn't say anything other than "baby!"

Life is gonna be so fun!!

Complete randomness

Because I can't think of anything worth writing an entire entry about, I'll just give you random thoughts. Lucky you!!

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Cockroaches are disgusting. And the ones here are HUGE. I used to associate them with uncleanliness, but the neighbor who has OCD has them too, and her house is SPOTLESS. They're just gross. And I don't recall inviting them in!

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Texas is hot. HOT HOT HOT, I tell ya. Who ever chose to settle here, should be shot. I honestly don't know how any vegetation survives in this heat. It is amazing, really.

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I learned something the other day. Due to the heat, Texas is now recommending you replace carseats every two years. Turns out they are finding out that the plastic becomes brittle from sitting in these stifling hot cars all year round and on impact are shattering. Good to know!

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Tonight we are going to the zoo. It is for the heartwalk kickoff. It should be fun, but hot. I'm sure we will spend most out time in my least favorite place...the reptile house. Most reptile houses don't bother me, but this one does. You see it houses all the local venemous snakes. And personally, I'd just rather not know exactly how many species of venemous snake is living in my front yard!
The time is getting closer. If you haven't donated yet, go click the logo up top and donate!!

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The kids are becoming good swimmers. Zachy and Collin never even wear their life jackets anymore. They stay in the shallow water, but Collin is getting really good.
Matthew and Dillon are all over the place, diving to the bottom of the pool to retrieve lost items. It's pretty amazing what a year can do.

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Did you know that if you are already pretty tan, and go swimming for 3 hours in 100+ degree weather, you will get sunburned. Only it won't look like the sunburn that you normally get, you will just look really dark. But it will still hurt like a sunburn.
Yes, folks, I'm talking about me. I AM TAN!! Can you believe it? OK, not like a whole lot of people, but the fact that I am tan at all, is a miracle!

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Speaking of me being tan. The other night a commercial came on. It is the commercial with the 100 year old black lady, I think it is for a financial something or other, but I could be totally wrong. Anyway, Dillon says, "is that what mommy will look like some day?" To which Matt replied, "I hope not, but I Guess if she stays out in the sun she may"
What a bunch of nuts!!

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Have I mentioned that Texas is hot?

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I need a babysitter. Everyone I have asked has declined. Why is it that no one wants to babysit 4 kids? Matthew and Dillon are a piece of cake, they entertain themselves. *sigh*

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We have lived here almost a whole year. The time just keeps going faster and faster, it is hard to believe it's already been a year. I now know where everything around San Antonio is, and I can tell you things like, 281 and 10 are always under construction, and things like Chuys is the only mexican restaurant in town who doesn't fry their food in lard.
Time's flying.

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In Texas, it doesn't matter how fat you are...sleeveless shirts are definitely an option. As is tiny little shirts, apparently. I used to look at people and think, "wow she really shouldn't be wearing that" now I think, "wow, I need one of those, I'm sure I'd be much cooler" It's all about staying cool here!

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I reallay ought to be cleaning, so that's what I'll do.
Stay cool everyone!!!

The butterflies are twitterpated

I have never seen more butterflies in my life. Well, other than the zoo exhibits I've been to.
This is a tree outside our back door. It is hard to see, but all those flecks of motion are butterflies. The video doesn't show it well, but there are literally hundreds of butterflies around that tree. It is quite fascinating. What is it about that tree that they like?


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Oh I HATE these

I have a pop up blocker. But, some slip through.
Specifically these new talking pop ups. What is the deal with these? They are always behind whatever it is you opened, and all of a sudden you hear, 'congratulations, you've won' Then you have to figure out where in the world it is to shut it up!
I tell ya, they will try anything to drive a person up a wall!!

Becoming me

This has been a rough week. Sickness and just various other rough things this week. But alas, I think I'm finally able to write an intelligible entry!
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My mom has made the comment that I "seem so much better since having that IUD out" Meaning less depressed. I suddenly seem so..Happy. I'm not sure I agree, but whatever.
So I've been thinking about why I might seem that way, and what might really be different.
I've come up with a much different theory than the removal of the IUD.
I call it, becoming me.
You see, my entire life I've felt like I'm living in someone's shadow.
Growing up, I was either, Dr. B's daugher, or Aimee's little sister. When my mom got remarried, she married a school counselor. We moved and I immediately became, Mr. M's step daughter. I was thrilled when I switched school's my Junior year. FINALLY, I would just be Bekki. No one would know any of my family. Unfortunately, they all knew Matt, and I instantly became Matt's girlfriend.
On and on it has gone. It hasn't helped that I have basically followed my mom around the country. Every church we went to, mom and D were members already, and we became their kids. Coming here was ok, initially though, I was Lt. W's wife. But now...now I am Bekki. I am an adult. Something I haven't ever really felt like.
We are very involved in church and I am Bekki. No one knows any other members of our families and it has, in a lot of ways, been so much easier.
Have you ever been to a church potluck? Have you ever noticed the kitchen? Where all the women stand and do dishes and talk away. That was always my mom's place. But here, I am one of the women standing in the kitchen, getting to know everyone for myself, and not through my mom, or anyone else.
I am finally becoming me, and I think I like it. And I think it has lifted my mood.
Of course, I still have my bad days, but who doesn't. All in all, life is just getting good.
Really, really good.

An old smoking hag

That's what I am. Someone whose been smoking for years and years. OK, obviously, I'm kidding. But that's what I feel like. This cough, that is so deep, sounds like a long time smoker's cough. If you were to meet me on the street you would swear I'm a smoker. I sound hoarse and I'm constantly clearing my throat and hacking my lungs out.
Have I mentioned how much I love my wonderful hubby for sharing this with me??

I know I'm late

I know I promised I'd be back on Monday, but I lied. I do that alot lately, it seems.
I do have an entry that I want to write, floating around in my head, but that same head is all foggy right now. My darling husband was so kind and shared his head cold with me. I don't really think that was nice of him, but he did it anyway.
At any rate, I'll write a meaningful entry when I can think right.
I took the kids to a free movie this morning. Regal Cinemas offers free kid movies all summer on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. We saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, again. We've seen it now, about a million times. But it was nice to get out of the house.
Anyway, I need to go make dinner. But honestly, when I'm feeling better, I'll write a real entry.