Thursday, September 21, 2006

Matters of the Heart

In November of 2002, I became pregnant...again! We were excited, and really didn't have any worries.
If you had told me that at the moment of his birth, I would be flung into a community I didn't even know existed, I would have laughed. The community is the CHD community, and it does exist. And it is huge. Which is so very sad. But true. But you see, those things don't happen to me, they happen to other people. How many times we all think that. For some reason, we tend to think that we are immune to bad things that affect others. We think that surely the mom must not have taken care of herself. There must have been drug use, or alcohol, or perhaps she smoked. Or even worked in the wrong environment, because surely things like this don't happen to women who take care of themselves.
How very, very untrue. CHD's happen to 1 in 100 babies, the highest rate of birth defect. Isn't that amazing? 1 in 100. Who would've known?
I have to say, the CHD community is a wonderful community to belong to. It isn't full of drug users, or irresponsible people. It is full of the most loving people you will ever meet. It is full of people who understand the value of life, who realize that the life they created, could be taken in an instant. It's full of people who would gladly give themselves, for their child, without a second thought.
Am I glad to be in this community? Honestly, I don't know. I have learned so much through Zachy and this experience. I have learned that you really can't take them for granted. Learned how very brave and strong even the smallest of humans can be. I have felt what it is to be on the brink of losing your child, and it makes me much more grateful that they are all here, living full lives.
Of course, I would give anything to go back in time and give birth to a healthy child, who didn't have any hurdles to overcome. To take away his pain. But then, would Zachy be Zachy? I think this makes him stronger.
It's a tough question. One I'm not able to answer.
For now I'll leave you with this. The heart walk is coming up in 2 weeks. If you want to donate, please do. Click that link up there, it is so easy to donate.
And a poem, written by a fellow heartmom. Probably won't make you cry, but it sure does me.

Matters of the Heart

“To beat, or not beat”. I would choose the former. Although my son, you see, the choice is not mine.
Cadence, rhythmic, steady, strong, not your heart, but your spirit. How truly defined!
“Heart felt, pulling on heart strings”. So displayed during your hospitalizations and challenging recoveries. You lay helpless, innocent of such a crime, devastation to MY heart.
“Have a heart, broken hearts, mended hearts, I heart you! I love you, with all my heart." I would give unto you my heart, my life, my breath, my strength to mend your broken heart. I pledge this to you. You are my son, my life. You are my Lionhearted.
“Bravehearts, and endearing hearts”! This applies to you my son, and to our extended family. What? You haven’t met them? Rainbow Hearts! Ah, but they are all around us! Children of all ages who fight so innocently and lose so very mercilessly and shout with such deafening delight upon victory! Hear their pleas? Their beat goes on, or not. They surround us asking for prayers and comfort, and are our strength when needed. A loving family, and extended one, genetically linked .The gene is called “CHD”…but biologically not bound.
Heart to heart (you and me), heartfelt compassion (all that I have for you), hearty appetite, (which I can attest has become voracious!) and heart healthy diets (you are what you eat). I heart you! I love you with all of my heart. No,really, that comes from my heart! How sayings with “heart” take on an entirely different perspective.

Thump, thump, whirr, swoosh, lub-dub lub- dub whoosh, silence, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, a broken beat of sorts. The disturbed rhythm would make any musician squirm. No melody, no rhyme or reason, frantically trying to find the right beat.
The beat must go on my son. Yours and mine forever together joined as one, in heart, mind, body, and soul.

Jennifer Lafler
Mother of Bryce 7yrs old


Shell said...

ya sure bek, won't make me cry! I'm bawling, thanks... You know, I think your writing has gotten so good lately, you really got across how you feel, and how to make us feel the same. Love ya!

Anonymous said...

It's Jennifer....You really posted my writing!! I love it! Thank you for the exposure!!! That was awesome...I found it googling my own imagine that!...I couldn't agree with what you wrote more either!! You are awesome momma! Heart hugs, squeezes and joy!
Jennifer Lafler

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