Saturday, October 28, 2006

Something you may or may not know

I'm lonely. And it's really hitting hard lately.
With the shirt, came a dvd of pictures of Matt's grandpa's life. He passed away in June.
I cannot tell you how much I love Matt's grandparents. They are two of the most wonderful people I have ever known. I look up to them. Matt's grandma is one of the most nonjudgemental people I have ever met. And papa Joe was too. I always thought it was so funny, how the two of them were on the same wave length. I guess after 60 years together, it's a given. But she would tell me a story about someone in their neighborhood...YEARS when their kids were growing up, and grandma would say, "what was that boy's name, Joe?" and I would think to myself, 'ummm she hasn't even started a story about that boy, how in the world would he know who she is talking about??' But, ALWAYS, he would tell her the exact name of the exact boy who was in her mind, that she would go on to tell me a story about. It was amazing.
I have never known anyone who has been married as long as them, and I long to have as long and happy life with Matt as they had with each other.
Papa Joe was full of stories. And silly songs. And funny sounds he would make to make the kids laugh.
And I miss him. And I'm so sad that we weren't there to say goodbye. And to let him know just how much we love him. I was only blessed to know him for 14 years, but he had such an impact on my life.
He is so much like Matt. Not only in looks, but in manner as well. I can almost look at him and know exactly what Matt will be like in 50 years.
Sometimes, life just gets away from us, and we never tell those we love how much they mean to us...and then it's too late. And look at me, I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out, writing this in my blog, for the world to see, but not for Grandma to see. How lame am I?? She is the one who I should be telling that I love, and just how much we miss them. And I am.
Of course in all the pictures, were pictures of cousins and aunts and uncles and sister in laws and brother in laws and mother and father in laws...and on and on. They all live up there. And I miss them too. So very much.
It is lonely here. I try to tell myself all the time, that we have each other, and that is all that matters, and I know it is true. I'm just so very lonely.
Yes, we have a wonderful church family, and we talk to our families, but it isn't the same. It will never be home.
And while we are is going on without us...nieces and nephews are being born who we have never seen. Two nieces and one far. I have a feeling there will be more while we are here. And our lives go on as we are having a niece and a grand daughter, and no one will know her. My mom and step dad will be here when she is born, but who knows when we will ever see anyone else.
BLAH...this entry is making me thoroughly depressed. The boys are carving pumpkins (a chore I so do not like, I just take the pictures) and having a gay time, and I sit here in tears.
Off I go, to be with the only family here. And ultimately, the only one that matters, I suppose.
Maybe one of these days, I'll get around to telling everyone I love, just how much I love them.


Vicki said...

Sorry that you are feeling sad right now. Hugs.

Gina said...

Oh, Bek, I miss you all so much, too! I hate, hate, hate that you are all so far away! I know that we don't keep in contact enough and I am so sorry for that! We love you all and cannot wait to meet your sweet little angel someday - hopefully sooner rather than later!

Anonymous said...

When I lived abroad I missed my family very much. My daughter was being raised without knowing any of my family members. Now we are back in Brazil. And she does not know her English family. I guess life is made of choices. Sometimes I do miss my husband´s family as well. She will never know them. This is sad.

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