Thursday, April 27, 2006


I actually feel like I may be on the verge of a panic attack, although I'm not sure I've ever truly had one. What I consider a panic attack is where I just want to be out of my skin. I can't stand to have anything touching me and I just feel very anxious.
I don't know why. Nothing especially huge is going on. Just little stuff, that happens every day.
Dillon is quite ill. He is burning up and has zero energy. So far he hasn't thrown up today, but he hasn't really taken anything in either. He has sipped some gatorade and ate a couple of bites of banana and macaroni. So far so good. But he looks awful, and I Feel so bad for him. He took a bath earlier and when Matt went to go check on him, he was laying on the floor. Matt asked what he was doing and he said, "it's just comfortable" He just doesn't have any energy. He tried sitting at the table to draw, but decided he needed to rest instead. :-(
Zachary is just being a little demoliton ball. He is running around like a wild man destroying everything in his path! Last night, he managed to get a brand new bottle of chocolate syrup, and pour the entire thing on my love seat. I now have an ugly brown love seat. I'm sure, if you've been with me for awhile, that you will remember Dillon dumping chocolate syrup on the floor, five years ago. Well, on the couch is much worse than on the floor!
Collin and Matthew are fine. Nothing major going on with them. Other than the fact that Matthew thinks he needs to be Dillon's nurse. And while it is sweet, it is driving me crazy because he keeps telling Dillon what he needs to be eating, etc. and he himself doesn't have a clue.
The dryer has quit thumping. There is a slight quiet thump, and I'm afraid it will start a fire. The sensor must have gone out as well, because I can no longer do the sensor dry, only the timed dry.
The stupid squirrels are driving Sadie crazy, which in turn makes me crazy. They sit in the front yard chattering away at her, which makes her bark and go nuts. She so badly wants to get them. Occasionally, we let her out to chase them, and they always out run her. You would think that she would learn. Although, today, she actually climbed up a tree! She was in the part where the main branches branch out, it was pretty amazing to see a dog up in a tree like that!
My house is pretty messy right now, and that always makes me more anxious. I need to do some serious cleaning, as soon as I'm done helping Matthew with school. Maybe that will make me feel better.
My allergies must be acting up, because my nose is itching like crazy, and I want to rip my hair out, it keeps tickling my face and making me itch.
Matt looked at my records from the x-ray and ultra sound. It appears my cyst is now gone. Yippee! However, there is an IUD in my pelvic cavity. I can't tell you how mad this makes me. To refresh some memories...when Zachy was 6 weeks old, I was so upset. Everyone was telling me we couldn't or shouldn't have more kids, and that we needed to do something to keep this from happening again. So I said, 'fine, if I can't have anymore kids then I'm not going to worry about it, I'm getting an IUD' Every ounce of me told me not to do it. But all the pressure from everyone was too much for me. I knew when it was inserted that it was the biggest mistake. It hurt so bad going in. I had to stay at the drs for a good long while because I was so crampy, there was no way I could drive. That was a Thursday. By Tuesday I was in such pain, and bleeding so much. I couldn't feel the strings. So they did an u/s and said, 'nope, no more IUD, it must have fallen out' I said, "are you sure? could it be in my abdomen?" They assured me that no, that didn't happen. They would know if it did, and that it just fell out. I was thinking, 'ok, I was paying attention, I never saw it come out, and plus, it hurt so bad going in, wouldn't I at least feel it coming out' Apparently, patients aren't allowed to know their own bodies.
Since then, I have had nothing but problems with my hormones, irregular periods, these dumb cysts, migraines, etc. Finally, a doctor humored me and said she would order the x-ray, even though she knew it wasn't in my abdomen, cause the chances of that are so rare. Please people, don't talk to me about rare. My family is about as rare as it gets, seriously, statistics me squat to me anymore.
At any rate, there it is. There it has been for almost 3 years. I consider myself very fortunate, because from everything I've read, this stupid thing could have migrated anywhere and caused some major damage. Every one of those ailments I mentioned above, are all symptoms of this stupid IUD. You see, it isn't your normal IUD. No, no, it is a new safe IUD. It has a vial filled with hormones. OH JOYS!!
I can't tell you how mad this makes me. I have read that they have discovered that perferations are much more common in nursing mothers and in moms less than 6 months post partum. I met both those things. It was so new at the time, that I think they are just now figuring this out. Shouldn't the company have figured this out before allowing it to be inserted into the public?? And why are drs so reluctant to listen to their patients?? I have mentioned this several times to different drs, all who assured me that was impossible. And from what I've read, this is something that could have killed me. What a nice thought to think that because I went against my instincts, listening to other people, I could have killed myself. UGH.
I've also read that it is highly likely this has rendered me infertile. And while I'm sure that thrills many of you, it devastates me. Of course, I know nothing yet. We'll have to see what the damage was.
Most maddening thing though...I haven't heard a word from my dr. I called and left a message, no response. This thing needs to be removed, and no one is even talking to me about it.
And speaking of being removed, I am terrified to have surgery performed on me by a military doctor. I don't know why. I just don't trust them. Mainly because most of them are residents or med students, and that just doesn't sit right with me.
My hope is that once it's out, I'll return to normal, but even that is apparently, questionable. I just pray I'm not screwed up for life. I'm only 30 and plan on living a long life, I just hope I don't have to deal with these issues for the rest of it!
Well, a poopy diaper is calling my name, so I must go and try not to feel to anxious. I'll be sure to update when I know more.
By the way....all my homeschooling friends, ya let me down. No one gave me any advice. :-(


Deb said...

I'm so sorry bekki, I hope things get better for you. I hope monday everything goes smooth!

Crayonsetc said...

Oh man... I go away for a few days and look what happens. I wish you had called me... I would have put you on the prayer list this weekend... not that it will stop me from praying tonight!!!

Maria said...

hey girl!! see that what happens when i don't keep up with my FRIENDS!! i am sooooo sorry this has happened to you!!! i KNEW there was a reasone i wanted to call you!! i hope all has worked out ok...i haven't quite caught up yet so i will see what has happened!!! take care...

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