Monday, March 20, 2006


We went to Wally world and to the eye glasses store today.
When we were walking in the eye place I caught a glimpse of myself reflected in their tinted windows. The kind where it might as well be a mirror on the outside, yet perfectly clear on the intside.
I saw every little dimple of cellulite on my legs. I saw my terrible hair. I saw the most unattractive person I have seen, looking back at me, in the "mirror".
I wanted to cry. I am gross. So gross.
My poor hunk of a husband has to come home to me every night.
I am fat. My hair is bad. My face is broken out. I am gross.
I even did my hair today. Put on make-up and tried to look decent. And yet, no matter how hard I try, I am gross.
So do something about it, you say. Good grief...I am trying. Why can't I just be some cute thing that gained a little basketball of a tummy whilst preggo? Oh no, I have to be mammoth.
I would exercise tonight except that I feel like doo doo. I started my period last night, and because of my cyst (I'm assuming) I am in mucho mucho pain today. *Sigh*
How did this become my life? How did I let myself get so gargantuan? I'll tell you how. I felt bad today. I felt big and huge and icky. So what did I do at Wally World? I bought M&Ms. Smart. Real smart.
Maybe I should do something with my hair. Maybe that would lift my spirits. But there isn't much I can do. It's shoulder length. Matt doesn't like it much shorter. It is just so thick, and icky. It has this part wave to it since having Zachy. Looks like a perm is falling out. Gotta love it. Not.
OK, I'm off. Have more cleaning to do to prepare for my mom's arrival.


deb said...

don't be so hard on yourself, as its going make you more depressed and want to eat more! You are doing a great job and remember slowly take it off and it stays off better. Have you thought about getting a perm?

Vicki said...

I know what it is like to have days like this, and nothing anyone says makes it better. The good thing, it does pass. You are doing great Bek, give yourself more credit. Keep up the great work and eventually you are going to start to feel it. They say that it takes women almost 6 months to see the differences in their bodies when they lose weight. Don't lose faith. I think a new hairstyle IS a great idea. Anything to get your spirits up.

Crayonsetc said...

Bek, I am so right there with you. I had the EXACT same thing happen to me last week. So I started doing makeup and hair hoping it would help... and it doesn't. Tonight K was telling me how beautiful I am and I wanted to know why she was sucking up. It is horrible... but know you aren't alone. We aren't 18 anymore. And PMS'ing sure doesn't help matters.

The fun part for me is... I am suppose to O this week... Yah, and I feel so attractive to seduce the dh... NOT!!

Shell said...

aww bek.... all those women with little basketball perfect tummies are terrible mommies and rotten friends! lol You are a WONDERFUL mommy, and WIFE, and best Friend!!! Hang in there, it'll get better.

Mama Gina said...

aw Bek, we all see things we think are so terrible when we look at ourselves. ((((((hug!))))))) I think even with losing weight, the hardest part is seeing yourself for the person you really are. You ARE beautiful!

gina (uk) said...

OMG I have days like this all the time and its so normal - although not nice. I look at my stomach and think - how the hell did it get like this. Then I think I could have a flat, wash board stomach if I didn't have my 4 kids and u know what I would have this massive baby belly anyday to have my 4 kids in this life with me. I show the kids my stomach and say 'look what u have done to me' !!! Of course they laugh, but its hard for me and I know where u are coming from.

My friend was having a day like this and she went and got her nails done at a beauty parloUr. Now I know its not much, but it made her feel good. So perhaps nails or hair just might give u a little boost.

Anyway at the end of the day we love u Bekl and we are in the same boat. We know u are one super women, one super Mommy and one super wife. Full stop.


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