Monday, March 13, 2006

Sad realization

Do you see that picture of Matthew? Look how old he is getting.
The other day I was going through some clothes. All of the boys's clothes are in one closet, and so the routine goes something like this. Look at the clothes, guess if they fit, if not move them over to the next kid in line. Of course the kids get their own new clothes but usually they just get passed down and down and down.
I came to Zachy's clothes. What?? Where do I put them? Who do I give them to? There is no one to pass on to. I think I'll be passing them to my nephew, but he is only 9 months younger than Z and may well be in the same size clothes and not need them. Waiting to hear from my sil about that.
It hit me hard then that this is it. No more warm snuggly baby stages for me. The baby phase is over. Before it was always ok to give away the clothes (although I went through a similar thing with the newborn clothes) because Zachy was still a baby. Now, he's a little boy. It breaks my heart. Not that they are all growing up, but because I never fully expected to be out of the baby years and only be 30.
I've held out hope that we may someday have another wee one, but that hope is fading. Matt doesn't want another baby. So I have to respect that. Even if it means ripping my own heart out. It's just SO HARD.
I love children so much. Growing up I always wanted 12 kids. I also wanted to be a teacher, or a "baby doctor". I would go with my dad to the hospital and he would do rounds and I would go to the nursery and say, "I want to do that someday". In reality, I just wanted to be surrounded with babies. I realize that is unrealistic and all things must end. I just don't really want them to. I figured we would keep having kids till our kids had kids for us to play with! :-)
I'm just sad. And not ready for it to end. But I guess it has to. And I know that even though the baby years are ending, I have their whole lives to look forward to, but how quickly it goes. Matthew is almost 10. At 18 he could be like his mom and dad and be married and gone. In the blink of an eye they will all be gone, and we will be left alone.
I just don't want it to end. :*(

1 comment:

anna said...

but just remember....before long you will have grandkids...maybe like my 5 wonderful grandsons and 1 beautuful granddaughter...with more to come. Also, volunteer for your turn in the church nursery...they let you hold them for free. =)

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